Saturday, November 28, 2009

goodbye to a year best forgotten.

life certainly isn't what i expected it would be. i suppose that is because i never thought about it past the age of 25 so i never put much energy into what would be required to make sure i had a life beyond 25. i hadn't planned on all these extra years.

the last couple days have been difficult. it's not much fun turning 38 and having nothing worthwhile in my life to celebrate—or anyone to celebrate it with. not that i'm a "birthday" person anyway—but just once it would be nice to wake up in the morning & have someone else there who gives a shit. not that it's my birthday, just give a shit period. it seems like this is something i have spent my entire life watching other people experience but it's never me. i'm the girl who ends up with taiwanese spies at her 7th birthday party because all her friends are sick or away for thanksgiving. or i'm the girl who sits at home alone while her 'boyfriend' goes off for the weekend with some other chick who he likes more, because she's 'fun'.

seriously, it has been 38 years of this bullshit. am i wrong to wonder WHY? it's just weird. it's like i lack some integral personality trait that enables me to function in society like a normal person. there's something missing that makes me one of those people other people seek out to have in their lives. i'm fine if i happen to be around, but at the end of the day, not many people are like 'oh i wish heather was here.' i am always removed a bit. there's 'them' and then a few feet away... there's me. never shall the two really meet.

today, emptied of my tears cried over wishful thinking for something that was never to be—i just sit here. more or less void of emotion. it's just another day in LA, alone. i have a kitchen to clean, a bathroom to scrub, the dogs will want to go for many walks and wrestle under the covers. this is it. this is my life. it's not horrible, but it's not very enjoyable or fulfilling. it's just nothing. empty, lonely, and full of a lot of bins that need to be taken down to the garage.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

a year of solitude.

i sat up most of the night rolling a number of things around in my head. i had scanned through my birthday blogs over the last few years and found them depressingly redundant. this isn't the first it has struck me, it does every year but for some reason last night it just settled into my insides like a poison.

i am such a damaged person.

i don't know if i can change that at this point. i was on shaky ground before but i'm really worried that the events of this last year have destroyed my ability to trust people—men in particular of course. i don't feel like i'm capable of honestly caring about another person because i don't trust myself to care about someone who won't just use me over and over again—and i don't trust myself to just walk away when everything in my being tells me to. i don't even think i have it in me to care about a man at this point. i look at them on the street, i think of them from my past, i look around me trying to envision myself with any of them & i can't. my throat closes, my heart beats a little faster and i become nauseous at the thought. it's as if the last 11 months and 22 days have been an experiment in aversion therapy towards the male sex.

he annihilated me. he ground me into the pavement like dust & then pissed my ashes into the gutter.

i have never before in my life been so deadened at the thoughts of loving someone or caring for another human being. i talk about wanting it and that i feel i deserve it—but i honestly don't know if i will ever be able to know what that feels like. and should the most perfect match in the universe knock at my door right now—i'd be too terrified to even open the peep hole. i don't know if i believe anymore there are men out there who aren't animals. my life has been full of animals who treat me like garbage and leave me for dead—literally. i don't know if i can trust anyone ever again. i need to learn how i think. my judgment in that department is garbage.

so this year i am going to try something different. i'm not going to let anyone into my life. i have my own to figure out and the minute i care about someone else i push my own needs aside—foolishly clinging to some bullshit ideology that i am being selfless and i will be rewarded for it in the end. in 4 days i will be 38 years old & to date i have yet to be rewarded for such behavior.

in fact last time all it got me was a week in a 4th rate psyche ward while the object of my affection ignored me and apologized to the object of HIS affection for my bad behavior. and to this day he doesn't really care or feel badly for what he did. maybe in brief moments he allows himself a flash of guilt or emotion—but ultimately he rationalizes my outcome to defects in my own make up—not as a direct result of his behavior and actions towards me. to him all of this is just a point of embarrassment, not something to be reflected upon & considered as a lesson of things not to do. he walked away and hasn't considered me since.

so i should take advantage of this repulsion towards humanity. this is the perfect opportunity for me to do what i should have long ago. step away, shut my ears, eyes and emotions against the outside world and focus on all the broken bits and pieces of me that have been so poorly stuck together over the years.

i look around and can't imagine having another human in my life right now. i feel like a ghost slipping in and around them at the grocery store. we are not the same thing. i don't know what i am, but all those blurry faced, mumbling bodies scare me beyond the most superficial of contact and greetings on the street. i don't know what to do with these odd creatures and they have never known what to do with me. maybe it's best we take a break from each other?

as pathetic as it sounds—i think the only creatures i am capable of having a close, trusting relationship with are hershel and hedley. they are certainly the only ones who deserve it.

Friday, November 13, 2009

worst campaign ever (after that at&t debacle)

i got my mail today and in it was a letter from the american diabetes association asking for donations. their headline read "every nickle counts in the fight against diabetes!"

a statement i don't find at all hard to believe. however, i don't think they really understand the sentiment of their own campaign slogan when they send along a nickel, booger glued to each donation card. my first impression was 'so really.. if EVERY NICKEL COUNTS... then why are you mailing them out unsolicited, to people all over the country?"

as it is my envelope was addressed to someone who lived here 3 tenants ago—so maybe that nickel would have been better spent updating their databases. this ridiculous over sight certainly doesn't instill any sort of confidence that a donation would be wisely spent. just a thought.