Friday, July 10, 2009

just put a bullet in my head now please

so it seems that my job has been given to a girl with a mustache. i found this out less than 48 hours before we were supposedly going to start shooting. silly me for assuming i would be working on the next project. silly me for thinking i warranted a phone call or at least an email saying 'hey sorry, we had to put someone else in your position.'

i feel sick. i feel so full of rage i could punch the living daylights out of something — but i know deep down i am the only one i can hurt.
what smacks of complete degradation more than anything is the fact that those in charge of hiring & firing have never had a decent word to say about her. they despise her. how is it that she came to take my job? a job i might add which many believe i took from her. however that is not the case in the slightest. she brought that baby on herself — by being a cocky, loud mouthed, know it all bitch. in fact, on the first movie i ever worked on i was the ONLY one who kept asking when she was going to start. finally a week before filming began i was told that she wasn't going to be working with us anymore or ever again for that matter. and so i walked onto set knowing that i was facing an entire crew who would assume i took their friend's job because i was a long time friend of the producer. that is not such a good feeling. but i tried to not think about it & i busted my ass day after day — 18 fucking hours a day minimum...

and this is where it got me.

sitting at home, alone, broke, depressed and mad at the fucking world yet not a bit surprised. the afternoon i found out she replaced me i sat in 'house of pies' (YUM!!) uttering over & over 'i can't believe it.' & my friend said 'why not? it's shitty as hell but it should not be a surprise all things considered. think about it.'

it put things in perspective. of course i can believe it happened. it's par for the course around there — you bust your ass, you get nothing. you act like a bitch & have certain people backing you — who cares if you were despised 9 months ago.

what i can't believe is that once again i have had the rug ripped out from under my feet to make way for someone worthless & obnoxious. 37 years of this bullshit & i'm sick of it. i'm so sick of shitty people.

now i just need to figure out what to do before my entire life collapses around me — it was well on its way before this latest episode. i'm starting to get those old feelings & i wonder why i even bother getting out of bed in the morning. my life consists of nothing layered on top of bullshit on top of misery.

so fucking over it.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009