so it seems that my job has been given to a girl with a mustache. i found this out less than 48 hours before we were supposedly going to start shooting. silly me for assuming i would be working on the next project. silly me for thinking i warranted a phone call or at least an email saying 'hey sorry, we had to put someone else in your position.'
i feel sick. i feel so full of rage i could punch the living daylights out of something — but i know deep down i am the only one i can hurt.
what smacks of complete degradation more than anything is the fact that those in charge of hiring & firing have never had a decent word to say about her. they despise her. how is it that she came to take my job? a job i might add which many believe i took from her. however that is not the case in the slightest. she brought that baby on herself — by being a cocky, loud mouthed, know it all bitch. in fact, on the first movie i ever worked on i was the ONLY one who kept asking when she was going to start. finally a week before filming began i was told that she wasn't going to be working with us anymore or ever again for that matter. and so i walked onto set knowing that i was facing an entire crew who would assume i took their friend's job because i was a long time friend of the producer. that is not such a good feeling. but i tried to not think about it & i busted my ass day after day — 18 fucking hours a day minimum...
and this is where it got me.
sitting at home, alone, broke, depressed and mad at the fucking world yet not a bit surprised. the afternoon i found out she replaced me i sat in 'house of pies' (YUM!!) uttering over & over 'i can't believe it.' & my friend said 'why not? it's shitty as hell but it should not be a surprise all things considered. think about it.'
it put things in perspective. of course i can believe it happened. it's par for the course around there — you bust your ass, you get nothing. you act like a bitch & have certain people backing you — who cares if you were despised 9 months ago.
what i can't believe is that once again i have had the rug ripped out from under my feet to make way for someone worthless & obnoxious. 37 years of this bullshit & i'm sick of it. i'm so sick of shitty people.
now i just need to figure out what to do before my entire life collapses around me — it was well on its way before this latest episode. i'm starting to get those old feelings & i wonder why i even bother getting out of bed in the morning. my life consists of nothing layered on top of bullshit on top of misery.
so fucking over it.