Sunday, April 26, 2009

the hate runneth over.

i am the epitome of everything you never wanted in a girlfriend while at the same time being everything you seek in other women who will never come close to being what i have been.

to all the pathetic little natashas of this world

that your greatest aspiration in life is to be nothing more than a 'model' is revolting enough — that you lack what it takes to ever achieve such a self absorbed, narcissistic goal is truly sad. but since your life's endeavors have been set to such low yet completely unattainable goals let me give you this tiny bit of advise:

the last time i flipped through a vogue 'uptown trailer park chic' was not in vogue. it never has been and never will be and should it come to be — photogenically beautiful women will be styled to look the way you spend everyday — not the other way around. additionally, if this is your only ambition — despite lacking a look that could even land you some catalog work — might i suggest you go about it in a more industry acceptable fashion.

NO agency is going to hire a chick who any moron with an internet connection can find online — albeit in poorly executed, highly questionable photos. furthermore, paying for those photos via what i can only imagine were poorly executed blowjobs & highly questionable sexual favors is no way to further your career — unless you strive for nothing more than a life of being taken advantage of by repugnant, animalistic men who could give a fuck about you as anything more than a body without a brain that is there for their fucking pleasure. your world repulses me.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

if you shave it, he won't come.

it is a universal law known to any and every woman on this round ball of water: if you shave or engage in any sort of primping/attempt to make yourself more palatable to the opposite sex you will set in motion a mystical force of nature that dictates you will be in no way looked upon favorably by said members of the opposite sex. more importantly, if you do this with a specific man in mind, for the express hope of pleasing him and ensuring that all aspects of physical contact will be as enjoyable as possible — you can pretty much guarantee that he won't look at you twice and if he does it will not be with the admiring eyes you had hoped for.

i went on a bender yesterday. after a month of more or less getting by on the essentials of feminine up-keep it was finally time to do a full body over haul. for a woman who does not live and breathe hair, makeup and personal primping — this is an all day affair and often with painful ramifications.

for a good part of the afternoon i sloughed, i scrubbed, i shaved, i moisturized, trimmed, kneaded and massaged magic potions into my ugly parts, melted away layers of my epidermis that probably weren't meant to leave me just yet — with one goal in my sights: i wanted to look, feel and smell as nice as i could when i finally saw the person i have been waiting to see for over a month (and slacking terribly with my daily grooming in his absence).

i had even gone so far as to think about what i would wear. sad as it sounds... but it helped pass the time while waiting for the day to come when i would get to see him again. it embarrasses me now of course — that i wasted such time and energy on something so frivolous which he would neither notice or care about — but i suppose i hoped it would make a difference. in the end as i scanned the tasteful, cute dresses laid out on my bed i chickened out knowing they would just bring about some sort of commentary opposite what i was hoping for.

yes, i am utterly pathetic.

after hours of this silliness i was finally as soft and hairless as a newborn. my face was burning because the chemical peel took a few too many layers, there were spots that still stung from the brand new razor and my arms ached from all the rubbing and scrubbing — but i was at least clean, my skin looked fairly decent and even though my hair is a hopeless mess right now — it was as soft and healthy as it's going to get without stealing a wig.

all for naught. i primped and preened with the express hope of pleasing him (because i'm lame). to be so excited to see him and foolishly assume it was mutual.

it wasn't. not even remotely.

his lack of enthusiasm in seeing me was palpable — helped along with a couple too many xannies and residual disappointment/annoyance over having to spend the evening with me instead of with kelly as he had originally planned. from beginning to end it was the antithesis of everything i had hoped for.

in the end we gave up, rolled over and fell asleep with our backs to each other like strangers instead of nestled together like two people who actually like each other (a little anyway?). i left in the morning wondering who that person was i had just spent a very unpleasant evening with — and knowing i should have never bothered to shave. that just makes me more of a pathetic sucker.