Friday, January 02, 2009

unnecessary cruelty

it's a crushing moment when you realize how insignificant and unimportant you are to someone. what's worse — is to know that no matter how you explain yourself or what your rationale, that person will never see your side of it or why/how they have hurt you. you are always going to be the irrational, jealous woman, despite all your worries being blatantly paraded in front of you on an almost daily basis.

i am not stupid, nor am i naive and completely lacking in backbone or the ability to walk away. my gut instinct has rarely been wrong when it comes to sensing where a man's true desires lie — especially if it is not with me. so do not half-heartedly deny something one minute and then brazenly project it into my retinas the next as if to say 'fuck you, this is what i think of you. you are not important enough to be part of this.'

it's amazing how 10 seconds staring at a photo that makes your stomach wretch can change the way you feel about someone almost entirely. there is so much distaste, sadness, dislike, anger, repulsion and disgust. and yet there is still a little part of me that wishes it would all just go away & i could forget it. instead, i am left with the unfortunate task of still caring about someone who doesn't care about me or my feelings, someone i probably will never have a real conversation with again, and someone i will have to watch day after day — looking over my shoulder at what he really wants in some vain/delusional belief that there is always someone better around the corner. that, is a horrible place to find yourself.

it's funny how people never mean to hurt you — but they never put much thought into NOT hurting you. i think that hurts the most — to know that you never even meant enough to warrant a moment's pause is an ugly, empty, gut wrenching feeling. and one i am fucking sick of waking up to every time i meet a man. i don't give a fuck if it is 2009 — common decency & consideration shouldn't have a expiration date.

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