Saturday, January 10, 2009

it used to be so much easier

you met someone, you liked them. if they liked you back you spent some time together & got to know each other. not every guy on the planet required a clause in the deal that allowed him to sneak around with any number of seriously questionable females & then if you dared find fault with it or god forbid be hurt by this.... then you were immediately reminded of the fact that you were the 'new' one and had no right to be hurt or jealous... or incredibly hurt. did i say hurt, yeah fucking hurt. because that is exactly what it feels like to be sitting at home thinking that guy is off alone somewhere & then discover he was in fact off with someone else, certainly not you. and not just once — they just keep floating to the surface like dead fish on the salton sea. it's really rad. i've never experienced anything QUITE like this & as i've mentioned in the past — i've dated some seriously shitty men in my day. how do i end up so fucking lucky?

his response to all of this of course is the standard quote of all men these days it seems. 'why can't we just have sex & see if it turns into a relationship? back off & maybe it will — but i'm still going to see all these other women."
hmm, well let me think about that. MAYBE it has something to do with NOT really wanting to be treated like a fucking prostitute. i'm not here for the singular purpose of you getting laid... especially since all your 'quality' time seems to be spent with other women you deem more appropriate to hang out with in public & take on little vacations. it makes me sick to my stomach. how many fucking ridiculous, stupid, narcissistic bimbos does a guy need to take away for the weekend in any given month? and am i seriously supposed to sit back emotionless and without a care at all about it? give me a fucking break. i lose so much respect for a guy who is in most other regards an intelligent man and then i realize i cease to exist the minute some chick who looks like a two bit stripper walks into the room. it's so offensive and demeaning and makes me seriously wonder what the fuck i am bothering for. i mean really, what am i sticking around for? some relationship that is NEVER going to happen? call me crazy but it's really difficult to get to know someone better when every other day there is some other female cropping up or you are constantly discovering yet another one who ranks just a little bit higher than you — though i can't imagine what their qualities are that makes them so desirable. what sort of relationship could possibly come from this? nothing good i am sure. it's purely a bullshit excuse to keep on getting laid until something better comes along.
why am i bothering? why do i ever? it has been the same old shit with every guy i have met for years. i have a chronic attraction to men who are attracted to everything i am NOT. it's the most frustrating, depressing feeling to sit back & watch what you want squandered on girls who will probably never give a rats ass about anyone other than themselves. ugh god i really fucking despise men sometimes. they are pure fucking pigs. i haven't dated a guy since living in california who hasn't deserved to have the shit slapped out of him for his complete inability to think with something other than his dick.
i'm so fucking sick of it.

it really is just easier to be alone. blahhhh god i am so over it i'm not even angry, this past week and a half has completely deadened that emotion in me. i'm just annoyed, depressed and so fucking sick of it. do i really want to work towards a relationship with someone who has made me feel completely unhappy & insignificant 80% of the time we've been together? the 20% when he's sweet — i adore him, but what are the odds that number is going to improve? all he ever really has to say for himself is 'i'm an asshole. don't hate me.'
i don't hate him but every time some new 'element' surfaces he makes melike him a little less. how exactly does one 'work towards' arelationship that way? you don't. i'm just being a fucking fool & he is playing me like he plays every other bimbo who walks into the picture and that is NOT a feeling i appreciate at all.

it's a pretty telling moment with regard to what your existence in the world of men is when you realize that the flowers sitting on your desk (& the only ones that have made it through your door since you can remember) are only there because you had to buy them as a prop for a movie & brought them home at the end of the night.

teenage whine fest over. i'm taking a shower & going to bed.

Friday, January 02, 2009

unnecessary cruelty

it's a crushing moment when you realize how insignificant and unimportant you are to someone. what's worse — is to know that no matter how you explain yourself or what your rationale, that person will never see your side of it or why/how they have hurt you. you are always going to be the irrational, jealous woman, despite all your worries being blatantly paraded in front of you on an almost daily basis.

i am not stupid, nor am i naive and completely lacking in backbone or the ability to walk away. my gut instinct has rarely been wrong when it comes to sensing where a man's true desires lie — especially if it is not with me. so do not half-heartedly deny something one minute and then brazenly project it into my retinas the next as if to say 'fuck you, this is what i think of you. you are not important enough to be part of this.'

it's amazing how 10 seconds staring at a photo that makes your stomach wretch can change the way you feel about someone almost entirely. there is so much distaste, sadness, dislike, anger, repulsion and disgust. and yet there is still a little part of me that wishes it would all just go away & i could forget it. instead, i am left with the unfortunate task of still caring about someone who doesn't care about me or my feelings, someone i probably will never have a real conversation with again, and someone i will have to watch day after day — looking over my shoulder at what he really wants in some vain/delusional belief that there is always someone better around the corner. that, is a horrible place to find yourself.

it's funny how people never mean to hurt you — but they never put much thought into NOT hurting you. i think that hurts the most — to know that you never even meant enough to warrant a moment's pause is an ugly, empty, gut wrenching feeling. and one i am fucking sick of waking up to every time i meet a man. i don't give a fuck if it is 2009 — common decency & consideration shouldn't have a expiration date.