Saturday, May 24, 2008

if i was a bartender the only shots i could serve would come out of a gun.

i have never found myself having so much fun that i felt the need to break out into spontaneous bouts of hooting. this evening there is a bus parked down the street in front of the pike and it is full of such creatures. i believe they call these latest incarnations of mobile drinkery 'party buses'. judging by the auditory vomit coming from the upstairs level of this thing i would venture to say it is nothing more than a short bus disguised in micro minis and cheap, pheromone saturated cologne.

what is it that goes on within those tinted windows to procure such unbridled, primordial shrieks? furthermore, could someone PLEASE explain to me what the mentality of a woman/chick/girl/broad is whose only means of attracting attention to herself and expressing her state of exalted merriment is to gather in packs and screech for minutes on end? what are they drinking and how do i poison it? what is it that men find attractive about these girls? big tits, little brain.. yeah yeah, i get that — but doesn't the mermaid cry get annoying? are there some circles where it's not considered impolite to gag a girl when you hump her in the back seat of a bus covered in neon lighting?

i just don't get it. i try to be open minded and optimistic about humanity (really, i swear i do)... but then something like that parks in front of my house and i have no choice but to say 'the world is populated by idiots.'
i realize i am the minority in this thought but i am sticking by it.

maybe i have just never really had fun. or maybe, i'm just not retarded.

Monday, May 19, 2008

lilman's 6th birthday

last sunday was my first social engagement in a long time. i've been working almost constantly & haven't had much time for anything else... but i've always got time for a few hours (or 8 as it ended up being) for gusticles and lilman.

it was lilman's 6th birthday & goose had quite the 'carnival of things for little boys to hurt themselves' set up at the compound for 30 or so of the most adorable 3-7 year olds i have ever seen. i knew there was little chance of any sort of 'parental control' when goose went head first down the water slide & cracked his head on the asphalt parking lot. hahaha. dork.

LA kids are ridiculously cool — but they are saved by the fact that they don't realize it. the goose factory was a sea of cute kids with long hair, leather wrist bands & typical LA names. i have never wanted to become impregnated on the spot more. i'm not sure what i would do with a child — as i glance over at my impossible to kill jade tree & watch petals fall to the ground — but that doesn't stop me from wanting a baby & lamenting the fact that i probably never will.

over all it was a good time. the kids were funny and cute as fuck. i was the water balloon wench for a couple hours & they actually scared me a bit when they would swarm around me in pack formations 6 deep vying for a good spot in line (which basically became my lap as they surged forward) little kids don't get the whole concept of throwing their water balloons at other people. instead they tend to drop them on the ground right in front of themselves — which also happened to be right in front of me. so within 10 minutes i was soaked to the bone & pickling inside my skin tight jeans under the 100 degree sun. at one point i was worried that if my jeans actually dried on my body they would need to be surgically removed.

when the kidlets finally started heading home, the adult faction took up residence on the trampoline and relaxed. i met a new girl & was once again stunned by the idea of meeting a woman who didn't hate me for no reason immediately (it seems to run rampant down here.) her name was jen. she was funny, endearingly nutty and nice. to be honest she sort of reminded me of myself a bit. speech patterns, habits of blushing, gestures, totally esoteric things she would say that i was either thinking or on the verge of uttering myself, etc. just weird little crap like that. she said something about not being able to resist any man who keeps a motorcycle in the kitchen and it was like getting a glimpse of myself when i am alone at home & talking to myself. i liked her instantly, more than i generally like myself — so she's got that on me.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

tonight when i got home

i found a nekkid chick riding a motorcycle stuck in my door. a few of them actually. i'm glad to see her nips turned out — i was worried about them.

thanks davey.

p.s. ed kissed me tonight & tried to grab my boobie – but all he got was my rib & a little bit of skin. he totally lingered on the smooches. we are totally dating.

sadly, i didn't get to stare like a pathetic old cougar at my young one much today. i looked like absolute shit though so i suppose it's best he didn't catch my gazing at him for 12 hours straight.