Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Monday, August 20, 2007

an open letter to the valet at lucca

dear sir, i couldn't help but overhear your mentoring of a parking protege this afternoon as i passed your restaurant.
while your articulation was impeccable & your range loud without being completely overbearing, i have to say, the over all effect was 'this is a man who takes the parking of cars entirely TOO seriously'

this thought was solidified into fact the moment you uttered the phrase 'i want you to project your voice with force and authority! BE AUTHORITATIVE!'

my dearest sir, i may not have the answers to many of life's more compelling questions, (i.e.: in a bathroom with FOUR bathmats on the floor, how do men still manage to get water all over the place?) but there is one thing that i am most ardently sure of: the last thing we need in this world are more authoritative valets.

that is all.

from the private desk of miss uncle heather

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

a rare moment when i find myself paraphrasing matt damon

'i wasted $40,000 on an education i coulda got for a buck fifty in late charges at the public library.'

but alas mother fuckers.... it's finally paid for!

or will be as of the 17th of this month when i send off the last life sucking payment to the government for an over-priced education that did little to prepare me for life- but provided me with an arena to hang out with lots of famous people and do massive amounts of coke during my formative years.

i'm 35, i have an i.q. higher than einstein... & this is what became of me. money well spent, my ass.

but man o man... it feels fucking great to be done with it.