Friday, February 16, 2007

suzy shocks the children to make them understand

i spent a majority of the day in bed today. when i woke up around 7:30 a.m. i did have plans- but i don't remember what they were exactly- all i know is i didn't do them. instead i languished in my tub for an hour or so & slipped back into my bed where i fell asleep while listening to rachmaninoff.

while sleeping i had a series of really bizarre dreams- only one of which i remember. i was in some house arranging a canopy over a shower & i kept messing with it trying to get it right. the walls were covered in a deep apricot damask & there was a lot of shiny marble- not really my style but it was opulently comfortable none the less.

when i finally got the shower situated (i think i was preparing it for someone- but i don't know who or why?) i left the bathroom, walked through the rest of the flat & down a few steps to a small butler's kitchen. the refrigerator door was open a little & as i looked over it to peek inside i saw a small pink & black snake coiled around a yellow pyrex bowl from the 50's full of green apples on the bottom shelf. it startled me & i closed the door. a voice somewhere said 'suzy hates shocking the children but feels it's what needs to be done to make them understand.'
i noticed on the floor next to the refrigerator there was another little bowl- this one was filled with ice cubes & several tiny 2" stick figure dolls dressed in red flannel jackets & blue flannel trousers (not pants... trousers- in my head i made that distinction). for a brief second they weren't in the bowl of ice water but hanging as decorations on a small potted lemon tree & then they changed back to being in the bowl.

instinctually i knew 'suzy' was a lesbian & that these little dolls were 'suzy's little children' (maybe it was the flannel outfits?)
i slowly opened the refrigerator door again to peek inside. when i did the snake moved to come out & i panicked... slamming the door once again. my sister appeared standing next to me & asked 'did she bite you?' i said 'no, but i think i've done something very bad, i think i hurt her' & i started to cry..... i opened the door again & the cute little snake slithered out. it was yellow & cream now & had a section in its middle that had been crushed from getting caught half way out the door. on either side of the crush mark the skin had ballooned out like a frog's (what are those things are gills?) & i could see her innards squishing about & inside her innards i could see hundreds of little red & green worms dancing as they sang a song in french. i said 'poor little snakey' a few times as she made her way across the floor & then as if i was a film being played backwards i backed up the few stairs out of the kitchen, through the apartment & into the bathroom. when the door was closed behind me i stopped, looked at the canopied shower & thought to myself 'it's perfect'... & that was it.

i woke up a little while later & i haven't been able to stop thinking about the little dolls on ice or the singing & dancing worm troupe & how i crushed suzy the lesbian shock therapy snake. tomorrow when i talk to my mother (named susan) i'm going to ask her if she used to zap me with electricity when i was a bad child. i'm sure she'll be thrilled. i wonder if i'm a lesbian?
i can't really see myself in a pair of blue flannel 'trousers'....

Saturday, February 03, 2007

defeat is my middle name

"when you are young your potential is infinite.
you might do anything really.
you might be an einstein,
you might be a dimaggio.
then you get to an age
where what you might have been
gives way to what you have been.
you aren't an einstein,
you aren't a dimaggio.

that's a bad moment."

– chuck barris–

it's safe to say that my life as a 'career girl' has certainly taken a wrong turn since moving to california. a year of freelancing ended with me owing the gov't thousands of dollars in taxes, followed by a design job that has never allowed me to really do what i do best & has no room for advancement. but i pacified myself by saying 'i'm just taking time out, i just need a break from life for awhile.'
this was furthered by the fact that it was a pretty low stress affair, i could pay all of my bills without having to think about them, i liked the people i worked with & for the most part at the end of the day i didn't feel as though i was an irrelevant, unappreciated cog in the wheel.

it was certainly a huge step down from what i was used to & most definitely NOT where i expected to find myself this late in life... but they gave me a cozy little office that was my refuge & total salvation from the many things that pained me about the job.

last week they hired a new ae & in their profound wisdom & desperate attempt to run that place with some semblance of an advertising agency they decided that they would move ALL of the ae's to the second floor- where they could co-mingle with the creatives & hopefully spark a little communication between east & west berlin. and with the great move upstairs there was no longer room for me to have an office- i would be stuck back out in the designer trench that bears more resemblance to a sweat shop on the bowery than i care to think about. it's completely open, the furniture is shit, the lighting is worse & the decibel level & foot traffic is like waiting in line for the bathroom at a club. what's worse- when i started there i at least had a little alcove to call my own, but that has now been walled up & made into 2 offices - leaving me with a work area that is infinitely crappier than what i had as a fucking freelancer 2 years ago. it is literally the ass end of the line.

when the owners called me into their office 'to break the news' i couldn't even believe what i was hearing. i sensed it was coming when they hired the new girl- but i didn't think they'd have the gall or the balls to go through with it. i looked at them like 'you are fucking kidding me... this is what i mean to you as an employee?' an employee i might add who took the family cat off your hands when your mother died because the shelters were full (& who now crowds me off my own bed every night), the girl who did your son's wedding flowers- even though it in no way, shape or form fell into my job description, the girl who eagerly & willingly offered to dog sit a 9 week old chiouaoua (which i took with me EVERYWHERE) for 6 weeks so that you could surprise your daughter on christmas..... & you are taking away the ONLY thing that keeps me sane?

i've never had any delusions of being indispensable. everyone can be replaced- that's all there is to it. but do i really register so low on your list that i don't even warrant the consideration of how it was going to feel having my office stripped away from me... just so some insipid cheerleader in cheap shoes won't have to pick up the phone or god forbid... walk up a flight of stairs? i mean come on.

the thing that kills me most is that in the last 6 months i have had a few opportunities to leave (& make more money) & i didn't because i felt it was rude & disloyal to walk away from them & take a job 10 minutes away. fucking loyalty. it bites me in the ass every time. what the hell was i being loyal too? i'm not worth 40 square feet.

i've dealt with a lot of asinine bullshit in my profession... it comes with the territory- especially when dealing with women bosses who have NO business sense. (sorry ladies- it's the truth- go to business school if you want to play ball) but i've never felt so slapped in the face- not even by my last employer who literally scheduled it in her agenda to make somebody's life a living hell at least once a day. shit if she had the balls (& the poor sense) to do something like this to me she would have at least given me a fucking mercedes just to try & show me she wasn't a complete bitch. (which i would have in turn used to drive to my NEW job).

so here i sit. 35 stuck in a dead end job, in a dead end town & all i have to show for years of busting my ass as an art director & designer is a portfolio that SUCKS because for the last 3 years i've been doing elevator ads & banking nightmare campaigns & on monday i get to go work at a broken desk that's 10 feet away from the bathroom.

bravo heather! you've done really well for yourself! i guess having an i.q. that's actually higher than einstein's really didn't do much for you did it? because you're FUCKED. this is lamer than getting canned. this is pathetic defeat. enjoy it.

now i am left with the daunting task of finding a new job. i can't stay there. i will kill myself for sure & suicide is for pussies. i never wanted to grow up only to die a pussy. (hahaha. the nine year old boy in me just snickered uncontrollably at the word 'pussy'.... obviously there's a very fine line between genius & imbecile & i'm the poster child.)

the thing that bugs me the most is that i hear myself talking about this... & i sound so fucking petty. it's an office... i KNOW. but it's killing me that they did it. maybe i am just being a whiney bitch, but i can't change the way they made me feel & i know for certain that i don't want to work for people like that. i have some degree of self worth... & right now it involves 4 walls & a door... & not from people who will take it away at the drop of a hat. call me a fucking prima donna.