Saturday, November 18, 2006

happy spinster

i was talking to my mother last night when i got home from work, we were marveling at the fact that in 10 days i am going to be 35 years old. a fact that i still have to stop & let sink into my brain whenever it crosses my mind. 35. i asked her 'so that means i am like a full fledged adult now doesn't it? there's no grey area, i'm a grown up, right?' she laughed & said 'yes, hard to imagine isn't it- but it's true, you're one of us now' to which i could only reply 'well, let's not get crazy suz... you're OLD... i'm not there, i can still get up off my hand's & knees with only a little bit of outside help' of course... these days i don't spend much time on my hands & knees, but i didn't get into that with her.
she went on to say how strange it was that both my sister & i are still single & that neither of us seems too interested in changing that- even though once upon a time we both wanted to get married & have kids. it was a totally different tone than what i am used to. when i go home or the subject is brought up with my parents it's always 'when are you going to settle down & get married, blah, blah, blah' like it is 1952 & to be a wife & mother is the only possible vocation a woman could possibly want in this life. instead she simply asked why i thought it was that i was still single, not even dating anyone... i really didn't have an answer other than to say that it's not that i am against boyfriends, husbands & children but i'm just at a point where i am fully self-sufficient & have dated enough assholes in my life to know that i would much rather be alone than with someone simply for the sake of being with someone. i thought about it for a second & realized that currently there isn't a single man in the world that i want to be with, that i have even the slightest interest in, that i would want to be in my life. i am alone... & i like it that way. add to that the fact that i look around at all my friends across the country who are in relationships & none of them seems to have a life improved by the addition of a gril/boyfriend, husband/wife or whatever. it certainly doesn't make me feel as though i am missing out on some profound, life fulfilling element.
we went through a quick list of my california 'men' (& i use that term ever so loosely) & we both agreed- that all in all, it has been a fruitless endeavor from the day i stepped foot in this state. not once have i entered into a single relationship with a man who was even remotely deserving of my attention & not once have i gone into it thinking 'this will be good for me'... it has always been 'well, i've got nothing else to do right now'.. & as can only be the case with such an attitude: i have always walked away thinking 'well that was a consummate waste of time & energy.'
i am convinced there is something in california water that breeds incredibly immature, insensitive, emotionally inept men... who have no regard or clue as to what is considered appropriate behavior when it comes to dealing with women or what it means to be in an adult relationship. either that or i have a knack for zooming in on losers & inviting them into my life... maybe it's that florance nightingale syndrome- though i am somewhat loathsome to admit to it. to be one of those insipid, foolish girls who always settles for men far beneath her standards simply because she 'sees potential' & hopes that with encouragement they will change is about as pathetic & repugnant to me as you can get... i know it is stupid & completely irrational... & i really don't like placing myself in that category. but alas, i think i have been party to it on several occasions- california being the best example of 'heather's poor judgement in all things pertaining to men'.
at any rate, mother seemed to take what i had to say to heart & with much less of a fight than i expected. in fact, she went on to say that it would probably be very difficult to find a man that was worthwhile simply because i was so independent & so accustomed to a life that is mine & mine alone. there was a hint of pride in her voice that i am NOT used to hearing from her & it was far more gratifying than i would have imagined... we're not exactly a warm & fuzzy family... we're more of a sarcastic one-liner kind of family. i had to agree with her though, it's not that i am AGAINST getting married & having babies.. to be honest i would love it. to have someone to think of other than myself i think would be wonderful. but if there is one thing i have learned from all my futile attempts it's that while i may not know exactly what it is i want or need from a boyfriend, i know damn well i what i DON'T want... & looking back... i can give you a rather long, unimpressive list of names that embody what not to strive for. i will know it when i find it- or maybe not. but at least i no longer care. i am more than content on my own with the knowledge that i am wanting of no one. and more importantly, i am needing no one. co-dependency is such an ugly word & i am thankful it has no place in my life.