Wednesday, November 30, 2005

perfect day

:: wake up to a light breakfast of coffee, 1 soft boiled egg on toast, grapefruit juice, eaten while flipping through magazines in bed

:: ballet- floor & barre exercises + an hour or so of yoga

:: full day at the spa: buffed, polished, waxed, kneaded, soothed, cleansed, steamed & nurtured.. all in utter tranquility by a silent staff.

:: lunch: dragonfly roll & a pint of 1554

:: shopping for things i don't need: makeup, shoes, pretty dresses, jewelry, stationary, linens & flowers.

:: dinner at pastis or les halles, anywhere warm & alive with cozy corners to hide in & good food.

:: drinks somewhere low key with quiet nooks & comfy seating where you can actually speak without having to raise your voice & hide away from the sleaze & the obnoxious, drunk pigs- or better yet, they don't know this bar exists- it's still my own.

:: walk home on feet that don't hurt from 4" heels

:: recurring episodes of porn sex through out the night & following day.

Monday, November 28, 2005

squished rat

it's been a shitty day today.
i turned 34 & i'm pretty depressed about it.
and then on my way home from work i ran over & killed a rat that ran out from the bushes.
i cried the rest of the way home from work holding her by the tail in the freezing rain.
she's buried out back by a rose bush.

i can't stop crying.
it's part rat, part life.

Monday, November 21, 2005

NAM flashbacks bring holiday cheer: charlie don't celebrate christmas.

you can take the girl out of the jungle- but you can't take the jungle out of the girl.

last friday i had to whip up a holiday card for a client. they are a macho/manly elevator corporation (very exciting stuff) & rather than festoon it with the usual bells & well wishes bullshit i found a really pretty, rather abstract photo & kept it very clean & modern. who wants to see yet another sparkly winter landscape with some blonde haired family riding in a sleigh?

i got feedback today- they thought it was really beautiful, however.... nobody could figure out what the photo was... their notes: "most people who see it think it's something out of a jungle war scene"
hahaha. that is the best feedback i have ever gotten. i hid an m-16 in the background just to make it my own.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

sacramento sucks


so i heard last night that i was not only dating my roommate- but that we were expecting a baby. hmm. interesting how this rumor manages to snake its way into sacramento melodrama about once a year. were it true jack & i would have i believe 3 children with another on the way. i wonder if people think we also sell them on the black market to account for the fact that there are no children running through the house. do we eat them? or maybe we have a big drying machine in the shop to dehydrate them & then we grind them into a fine powder to cut the copious amounts of hard drugs that we spend our lives doing?

i don't even know who these people are that come up with this shit- or more importantly why their own lives are so pathetically empty & shallow that nearly 4 years after i have moved to this god forsaken shithole... they STILL feel the need to spread lurid tales of my past, present & future. especially concerning a person with whom i have never so much as lovingly held hands with much less become impregnated by 4 times. fucking losers. i just can't imagine what it must be like to lead such an empty existence that this is the sort of shit one tosses about as casual banter over too many drinks at the local shithole bar while trying to fuck their best friend's boyfriend/girlfriend.

i must say though: at the age of 34, with 4 young children & a hardcore life of drugs & debauchery... i look fucking good. UNLIKE the rest of the fat sleazy pigs in this town who have all managed to populate the city with an assortment of bastard children: all with different deadbeat fathers. it must be hard to fit in between the herpes outbreaks, getting full sleeves of thorny hearts entwined with mike ness swallows & keeping their hair bleached blonde with all those black roots.... & they've done it all by the time they turn 22.... how impressive.

for the record: i have no children, i'm not a whore, i'm not a junky & unlike the rest of the white trash in this place: i'm not a loser. the closest jack & i have ever come to having an 'intimate' relationship was him threatening to eat my pet quail & the occassional piggy back race through the house. if it bothers these people so much that despite all that has happened over the last few years we still talk to each other & are friends maybe they should stop to think & ask themselves why.

it's because they make us sick & we hate them. they are all worthless, back stabbing pieces of shit.

i have to go check on daddy & the kids now- it's time for everyone's heroin shots.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

so long sid viscious


i just talked to my brother & he told me that the family dog (number 2) sid viscious- a 55 pound cocker spaniel who was anything but viscious unless you tried to sneak some of his food... got put to sleep yesterday. he was like a 1000 years old & it was high time for the poor ol boy.. but it's still sad. this is the same dog that my father made a casket for about a year ago.

i'm curious to know what they did with him? is he laying in state at the hannold manse? have plans for a shrine been drawn up? is he in a garbage bag down in the basement? i thought they should have him stuffed & turned into a bar cart... but nobody listened to me. besides.. he was a bit stinky in his old age... nobody wants a martini from the death cart.

christmas will be weird this year without my fat little sid edging me towards the sides of the bed so he can stretch out. poor fat little dog. he looked just a like a corndog when my parents got his hair cut. and he was the one thing my parents seemed to have a bond with in regards to each other. god knows none of us kids ever did that for them... but the dogs they dug & peace could be restored in the house if even for a few brief moments.

maybe they will bury him in the lily garden. he loved chasing the kittens through all the beds. poor poor sid.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Monday, November 14, 2005

i want to leave

god i am so depressed right now. i'm sitting here in full makeup feeling like a two bit whore waiting for my turn in front of the camera for a photo shoot i totally DON'T want to do. i had the shittiest weekend & all i want to do is crawl back into bed & cry myself to sleep for another 24 hours. of course right now if i so much as shed a tear i will look like tammy faye baker so i am doing my best to hold back & keep my eyes from watering. i've been concentrating on my feet a lot & biting the insides of my cheeks. it isn't really working & i'm sure i will get yelled at by the makeup artist when she goes to touch me up.

last week i said i wanted a good bottle of vodka & some valium.... i have yet to see either. it's not often that i feel i NEED a drink, but this may be one of them- i am not a happy girl at all & the tension is killing me. november has been a fucking shitty month. i'm over it. the temptation to pack my bags & turn my back on everything is growing by the hour. this town has been nothing but grief for me- from day one.

waiting for hair & makeup.... not a happy girl... not a drink or drug in sight.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

addendum to the quail saga

this is in no way indicative of my mothering skills...
but the quail egg has already bit the dust.

i decided to test my nesting skills & while shuffling bits of pine & string around in the cage i discovered that the egg marcel & mingus were so closely guarding had a big ol hole in it. apparently their nesting skills are as good as mine & they plopped their little asses down on it a tad too heavily.

i was a little bummed about that. i had all these big plans for easter & i had already started flipping through one of my poultry supply catalogs looking into fancy new homes, etc. all for naught- as my first quail egg is in the trash.

to console myself i ran a nice hot bath & filled my bathroom with gaudy mexican religious candles covered with emaciated saints. i bought a bunch for my favorite angry man & realized that i had never bought one for myself except as a secret code when purchasing coke & or hash at the bodega on ave c & 1st street years ago. it seemed like it was time to make a legitimate purchase.

as i lounged neck deep in scalding water i noticed my bathroom now looked like a small, dilapidated mexican chapel. the sound of the washer & the knowledge that there was a quail fetus in the next room only made it all the more authentic & with all the religious ferver a soul-less being can muster - i waited for the arrival of our good lady of guadeloupe to come & loofah my back for me.
she didn't show, so i passed the time having a conversation with myself that i should have had a month and a half ago with someone else & exfoliated my own back... though i am sure not nearly as proficiently as the lady would have.

now it's time to go to sleep. who knows what i will find tomorrow. maybe some really pissed off saints who will want to give me a lesson in how religious figures are not around to help out with bodily hygiene..., maybe some new eggs.

quail babies

well i was under the assumption that both my quail were males... however i just discovered the cutest little egg in their cage.... so apparently that is not the case. now the question is... who needs a name change; marcel or mingus?????

in keeping with my ability to nurture anything living.. i have no idea what i should do with it or how long it has been there. a proper nest seems in order- but i can't even make my own bed on most days so i'm really at a loss here.....

damn, i'm just no good at this shit.