Sunday, October 16, 2005

mingus et marcel

they started out jean-luc et marcel- but jean-luc seemed too portentous & affected because their names always came out in a sort of 'gigi-esque' accent that i use when i speak french to my cat. so i had to think on it for a few days. mingus stuck & i like the way they roll off the tongue together.

ultimately they ended up "marcel & miette"

Friday, October 14, 2005

i think i'm going crazy

i did a load of laundry tonight, took it out of the dryer & left it in the basket in my bedroom. got into bed all set to go to sleep & i kept hearing this creaking noise coming from the basket. it's this old willow wicker thing that is on the verge of blowing out its bottom any day now... & has been for like 6 years. i ignored it at first but it kept making noise & finally i was like 'fuck, i wonder if there is a mouse or big spider crawling around under it or in the clothing. i turned the light on twice to assess the situation... it wasn't moving but it was making quite a racket. turned out the light & tried to go to sleep... but nooooo, the basket wouldn't shut the hell up. so i finally got up & riffled through it... NOTHING. no mice, no spiders, no newborn babies wrapped in soggy paper bags... nothing... & yet it persisted- i can hear it over my typing even & it's a good 15' away from me & in another room.

i have no idea what is living in my laundry basket- or even if it is of the living. but it's 1 a.m. & this girl needs to get some sleep. i wish it would at least fold my socks whatever it is.
strange things are afoot in supersecretville.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

the midlife crisis

today i wrapped up a project that may quite possibly be the most complicated print job i have ever designed for its size. if it turns out- it will be lovely... and if it doesn't, i am going to have a client that will expect my first born in return for cajoling him into doubling his budget for a simple holiday card that conjures flashbacks of NAM in retired vets.
it was actually fun & i truly enjoyed my job for the first time in ages. i love projects like that: super tight deadline, lots of creative freedom & at the end of the wire a cluster fuck of 'oh my god, now HOW am i going to make this look the way i want it to?!" dilemmas. one little puzzle unraveling into 10 over & over & over. the trick is whittling it down to the barest of essentials until you have perfection- not a single extraneous word or image or color. visually pleasing to the average human & yet mathematically without flaw for anyone that really bothers to look at the details. it is what my job is supposed to entail every day & rarely even comes close.

that has been a hard one for me. to find myself so far into my life & basically having achieved whatever it was i set out to do- only to realize, it's not quite what it should be. now what do i do? in a few days i turn 34 & i'm realizing more & more that i under booked my life.

i left my office & came directly home. i have a 4 day weekend which i desperately NEED. tonight i'm making pumpkin cheesecake- for dinner with friends tomorrow. this is actually the first thanksgiving i have looked forward to in years. i haven't been home in over a decade- the lavish family party diminished as people got married, moved away, died... and this is the first one since i can remember that i will be spending with people i actually want to spend the afternoon with instead of being forcibly dragged to some random boyfriend's family's affair out of pity because i live so far away from my own family. it's funny, but i almost feel like we are playing grown-ups. there won't be any parents- just us kids... albeit kids who are in their 'early-to-mid-to-late 30'sÂȘ'... & we can do whatever we want. we're having ham. haha.

the rest of the weekend i will be on my own to contemplate the impending doom of nov 28th when i officially become middle aged. as fate would have it- netflix delivered not one but TWO movies with characters entering mid-life crisis'.... granted, they are of the male variety. so far i haven't had any sudden urges to buy sports cars or get a hair weave, but the fact that i seem to be treading water in my career, have no family to call my own & am attracted to a person who wants nothing to do with me because he's sure there's something better out there that comes in a vapid, twenty two year old body that will work just fine for the night... well these are thoughts i can't get out of my mind. i never thought i would care about getting older. but like most things, i guess i never really thought about it. i never knew it would be so lonely, i never knew that eventually the offers would stop coming & that the day would come when i simply couldn't get whatever i want... simply by wanting it. not that i'm angry over having to work for what i want. i've never been like that- but it poses a whole new problem when suddenly even working for it isn't enough... & that is a very sad realization. it's hard to accept that this is as good as it may get. god knows i have no desire to be the person i was 10 years ago, in an odd bittersweet dose of irony- i'm actually a 1000 times happier than i have ever been.. . most certainly, i am a much better person than i ever expected to be... it seems like such a shame that the general public preferred the version of me that is long dead & gone... & doesn't take much interest in what has been left in its place.

when you whittle me down to the barest of essentials you don't get perfection. you just get me... visually pleasing enough to the average human, stripped of superfluous words & actions & colorful drama, mathematically without flaw at last because i am finally myself & nothing more... and it means nothing- because nobody really bothers to look at the details.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

drink up baby

drink up baby, stay up all night. the things you could do, you won't but you might. the potential you'll be, that you'll never see, the promises you'll only make...

Thursday, October 06, 2005

faithful and true, leal to the core of my intrepid heart...

there are those around me who would expel their last breath saying this is not so-
that i am not who or what i say i am...
that i am just another manipulative sycophant meddling in the lives of those around me like it was a game.

when the day reveals that such thoughts have proved to be nothing more than an excuse to push me away- from a guilty conscience, from the fear of having a REAL emotion: good or bad, from the inability to deal with me like a civil human being....
& as a result have proven to be the ruination of something that was once real & good-
it will be too late. i will be gone. and once lost, i never look back.

regret is a heavy burden.
& no matter what you try to wash it down with...the acrid taste of fear & weakness never disappears from the throats of those who choose an empty, shallow, life of falsehoods.
i'm tired of being accused of dishonesty by people who have struggled to make it through an honest day in their life, i'm tired of the projected psychosis & empty proclamations of 'i don't give a fuck' from people who actually do- but don't know how to care even for themselves.
i'm tired of anger & hatred & vile words strung together in idle threats.
more than anything: i'm tired of this life... but i am here...
and i will be until i'm gone by someone else's hand. that is my curse.


i've wasted time, emotions & feelings on a world of people who could give a fuck if i died in my sleep tonight.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

jane pratt

celebrity feminist to aspiring cheerleaders & sorority sisters worldwide.