Saturday, September 24, 2005

patch tests are for pussies?? a lesson learned in the fine art of hair removal

always a sucker for anything containing harsh chemicals that promises 'quick, easy, long lasting results'... i finally could wait no longer to try veet hair removal- even though i have NEVER once in my life had luck with any product of that nature.
but it's saturday night, i'm a bit fuzzy & desperately in need of shedding something & if it can't be that extra 10 pounds to bring me back down to 120- it may as well be unwanted body hair.
so i woke from my 2 hour long nap & headed straight for rite aid. came home, gave the instructions a cursory glance & promptly slathered it from head to toe completely disregarding the plethora of 'patch test' warnings required by law to be printed all over the bottle & packaging.
i no more had myself slicked up in white foam when it hit.... NOT GOOD. BODY ON FIRE.... but it was on & damn it... if it was going to remove hair- i wasn't going to just wash it off... so i frantically grabbed the ridiculous 'razor' they give you & began scrapping away at my skin like meryl streep taking a silkwood shower on crank. each stroke revealed big patches of swelling red skin (& trust me.... there are some spots you just DON'T want to see red & swollen)
hop hop hop across the bathroom into the shower- nearly killing myself on the ghetto shower door/death trap... water on, legs & arms shaking.. but i still can't just wash it off - I MUST KEEP SHAVING... the marine in me keeps saying all this pain for no hair removal just isn't an option. so i grit my teeth, hyperventilate a little & forage on like a good soldier trying to wipe napalm off their body after surfing in the nung river.

finally it's done, burns like fuck but the offending balm has been mostly removed.... revealing a body ravaged with welts, pseudo razor cuts..... & an alarming number of patches of melted hair.

i spent 15 minutes scrubbing my body with soap & exfoliating mittens in an attempt to wash off the burning residue. sometimes having an i.q. of 192 really means little in the world of common sense... & the moron in me slowly worked my eyes up the shower wall to the stash of shaving implements- my only thought being 'shave off the upper dermis that has been saturated with these fucking chemicals'
i was like a junkie an hour late getting her fix. with horrifyingly shaky hands i proceeded to shave off all that the chemicals failed to. 10 minutes under running water, a few deep breathes & a vow to myself never to try something like that again i crawled from my bath & assessed the damage.

the swelling has subsided, the itching comes & goes, i no longer smell like if i get to close to a flame i will ignite...
& i am no smoother than had i just shaved like a normal, rational, hair hating woman.

and i think i might vomit at any moment. all in all... a very productive evening.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

i feel pregnant

and not in that 'glowing mother to be' sort of way. i feel like i have packed on 20 pounds & been dipped in a bath of grogginess. i could eat just about anything put before me- it needn't even be completely dead- just give it to me i will kill it during digestion. just about everything from my boobs to my ankles is aching, sore, bigger than it should be & sensitive to the touch- which means that no matter what i do to relieve my pain there is a good amount of anguish to be worked through before any relief can be felt.
i'm so glad i opted out of work once again today. i'm neither mentally or physically fit for it. i had to change my pillowcases they were so wet from bawling my head off all day long.

and the worst part of it all is: i'm not pregnant.
that is an impossibility. one i think about all too often. when i go out, when i get dressed, when i talk on the phone, when i feed my cat... it's always there- nagging at my brain.

dinner for one. die alone.
this is my future.

Monday, September 12, 2005

today was a good day

i called in sick for no particular reason.
i watched a little internet porn,
read a few cooking magazines,
thought about going to an antique shop a couple blocks away,,,,

ended up taking several extended naps in between heartfelt conversations with my cache of 'boyfriend substitute' pillows that i cuddle with when i am feeling sad & lonely.
& then i had a salad & some tea.

i'm rested, i'm not interested in sex, i'm full & my mind has been verbally emptied of all that troubles me.

& it's only 6:11 pm- i am more ahead of the game than most days.