Saturday, June 25, 2005

a.d.d. girl needs a foot rub.

well, so far i have packed about 10 boxes..... i have my cookbooks & 1 box of cd's done. that's not to say i have been loafing on my ass all day. quite the contrary. i got up at 7:30, drank my obligatory 1.5 cups of coffee & then packed up my vacuum & headed to 32nd & paced around for a good half hour just wondering where to start. overwhelming is a word i have been using at an overwhelming rate lately... but my vocabulary is really lacking right now... i just walked from room to room wondering.... 'where do i start???'
one peek into the bathroom & i decided KITCHEN!!! i spent an entire HOUR... just sweeping it. after that i moved onto one of the bedrooms, the living room- which is still a mess, sort of picked through some of the shit fuckwad steve left in the other bedroom (his own private dumping ground apparently) & then i just had to do it.... it was time to go into the bathroom. i had to actually remove the shower doors to take them out back & clean them they were so crudy & thank god i had the foresight to swab out the toilet reasonably well before i started anything else..... because not once but TWICE i puked while cleaning out the bathtub.... it was that fucking gnarly. apparently steve also wasn't a big fan of cleaning... or living like an even remotely civilized human being... i literally had to scrap an 1/8th inch of who knows what from the tub. he really is going to get punched in the face if i ever see him. fucking wanker.

and after that... i got to clean the refrigerator.

now i am home & i am so exhausted i can barely move. maybe i should just go take a bath (while i can!.... i won't trust the new bath until i have had the chance to clean it another 3 times, re- caulk it & most likely- put a new shower surround on it... don't even get me going on how the sink needs to be ripped out & the ceiling re-plastered....

i'm never going to finish all this. i just keep wandering through my apartment moving things from one spot to another. i can't focus... what's new

Wednesday, June 22, 2005


o today i finally got to go over to the new house & do a 'walk-through' on my own to really assess the damage. i had this eerie feeling of 'i've seen & heard this before'..
about an hour later it clicked....
roll back to 1975 when mom & dad bought their first (& current) house - grandmother & grandfather wood are are getting their first glimpse of the future hannold estate... in all it's turquoise paint & dairy queen tile glory (not to mention that whole totally bizarre pvc pipe flue thing in front of the fireplace.. what was the deal with that anyway???)
even at the tender age of 5 i remember thinking 'god damn... this place is ghetto' & those feelings were quite obviously shared by k. ronald wood.... with each step into a new room, every peek through another door he uttered the seven syllables most often equated with grandfather's pissssssssed.. 'jesus-h-tap-dancing-christ!'
to say the wood's were NOT pleased with my parents for buying this big old craftsman in dire need of work would be a kind assessment.

but the hannold clan has vision if nothing else. we have always been able to look at the disheveled, the dismantled, the disregarded & say "with 800 man hours & a small fortune far exceeding what this would have cost new... i can turn it into something good.... nay, better than what it was before"

granted... we have had our mishaps in laboratory: that whole episode involving scrambled eggs & bacon in the blender, the exterior 3 story elevator my brother & i constructed when we were twelve so we could sneak out at night- it worked.. but took a bit more man power than we could muster at the age of 12.
but our greatest success ever was the big old arts & crafts, built up on 'the hill' with lots of wood, 367 stairs from top to bottom, french doors... & just like the brady's... one bathroom (why?! why?! why- i ask you!?!).
without a doubt my parents have transformed that hell-hole of a dump into a pretty fucking amazing house over the years & all with their own 10 hands (child labor laws didn't exist in our house growing up & as a result i am a master plasterer, electrician, carpenter & can put on a mean ass roof)

jump back to 2005... as i rummaged through the piles of shit left from jack's old room mate (*side note: scuba steve... if i ever lay eyes on you again i am going to fucking pound your skull into my knee until i can snack on your brains with my fingers- be forewarned, i don't make idle threats & you are literally living on borrowed time now my boy- you are going to die very soon) i found myself muttering the wise man's seven syllables.. of course, i followed up with a few more of my own- but the gist was the same.

i'm furious at what a mess the place is- but i also know that i am not meant for one of those soulless 'move in houses' where a housing & neighborhood committee has decided on the color of my walls, the layout of my furniture & what color toilet paper i will have in the bathroom & where to keep my collection of dead animals & my prostetic leg. i'm a 'from the ground up' sort of gal.. & if it doesn't involve at least a little search & destroy interior design work on my part... then it really isn't the place for me. i think i have my work cut out for me with this baby though. for starters i need a dump truck & don't even have a car. i need a flame thrower not a steam cleaner & more importantly, i really need someone to rub my back at the end of the night when i am bruised & cut, dirty, stinking & covered in paint & plaster. but oh well, at least i have my first full fledged project... & i know for a fact that if my parents had walked through it with me today- while they probably would have shared my horror at the filth.. they most certainly would have been thinking 'by the time she's 45 this place is really going to be something else.'

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

dinah washington was on to something

when she first crooned 'what a difference a day makes'...either that or i am maniacally bipolar (quiet down out there.... i see you rolling your eyes in that 'yeah well no shit sort of way!')
yesterday i was beside myself trying to figure out how i was going to bring all this together & somehow be ready to move at the end of the month. it just seemed like every time i tried to wrap one thing up or at least get it going i unearthed about 5 other huge ordeals that needed to be dealt with first. i haven't taken a full breath in over a month- i've been just short of hyperventilation even in my sleep. i went to bed last night in tears wondering how i was going to get this all figured out on my own- while still working & fitting in doctor's visits, etc... called jackle last night & an hour later i felt a 1000 times better. still wasn't sure how everything was going to pan out- but at least i didn't have to figure it ALL out myself. and as luck would have it- two of the three biggest issues i just totally took care of with 2 phone calls. well not completely took care of- but our happy little home is going to be up & running with all it's utilities by tomorrow afternoon- instead of the two weeks i expected. our kitchen will be wrapped up this week, hopefully beginning of next they can do the bathroom & then it will be all set to go. the shop is a whole other story & needs to be inspected by the city before i can get it up & running again- but we can deal with that later in the summer when hopefully we've settled into the place & actually have time to deal with it. there is so much to be done with the inside & the backyard- the shop, while as fun as it is to have it, can most certainly wait a month or so. not to mention that we need to figure out what exactly the 'inspection' entails... i may find myself blowing an inspector before the summer's end! but if i can paint my bike using a real spray gun that is hooked up to a real air compressor as opposed to a shitty rattle can.... hey, i've got 5 free minutes for a little back alley oral sex! naturally, i am kidding, jack will have to dole out that blow job if he wants the shop.
anyway, i am happy as can be. i still have absolutely NOTHING packed..but i did manage to get about 15 boxes today so i can start. the fact that i need about 100 makes me think that getting them from the grocery store just isn't going to fly & i may actually have to break down & just buy them.. which just seems against nature & wrong to me- but oh well, god knows i have spent money on more ridiculous things in my life... i suppose cardboard isn't really any different.
god damn- i am so fucking happy i don't even feel like myself. now if i just had that man servant to help me pack.... or rather, to pack my belongings in the nude while i lounged on the sofa sipping seltzer & juice flirting.

Monday, June 20, 2005

overwhelmed is my middle name.

as i raced back & forth between the new apartment & work in the 100 degree heat this afternoon i realized just how fucked i am. i am absolutely slammed at work- i'm lucky if i squeak by with 60 hours & yet in between the 5 deadlines i have a day i've had to somehow try to fit in all sorts of bullshit middleman crap trying to get utilities paid off, kitchens remodeled, cars moved, etc, etc, etc... all to no avail. the car is still there- i am going to end up having to pay off that mother fucking smud bill myself & so help me god- when i do, i am getting pay backs in flesh- i am so fucking furious about it right now. aside from the fact that if i want to retile the bathroom i will have to do it with a FLASHLIGHT in my mouth so i can see..... i am still faced with a whole raft of other shitty chores: i am currently sitting in an apartment that knows nothing about being packed- as i haven't even managed to get boxes much less ACTUALLY PACK ANYTHING. michael & wendsi wanted me to go to sf next weekend! hahah! yeah right. i am going to be lucky if i can pull this off without taking days off of work (which i can't do) much less take off for the weekend. not to mention that i am sitting here in a brand new pair of $200 jeans & thinking to myself 'hmm, that would have paid for a mover to come & help out'....but instead... i bought jeans. (which i did need- but i probably could have held off a week or two & got them as a present for getting my shit taken care of)
GOD I AM SO FUCKING IRRESPONSIBLE SOME TIMES!!!!! (much beating of my head against my desk)
i haven't made even made it to the gym in over a week & my ass is growing exponentially. what happened? ugh this is all such a mess. i need a week off work, i need someone to actually TAKE CARE of shit when i ask them too & i just plain need help. i can't take care of all this myself. i haven't even figured out how i am going to move all my furniture (look at jeans again & growl)
this is a stupid, rambling rant. i need to eat. i'm just extremely vexed right now.
jesus, i just started blubbering during 'indiana jones & the last crusade'... i have officially stepped over the threshold of sane person & am wandering blindly through loser land.

Monday, June 13, 2005

my booby hurts

had my biopsy today. can't say it was loads of fun & generally speaking i kind of have a 'thing' for surgery. but as minor as this was- it ended up sucking. apparently my doctor couldn't quite get where & what he wanted just by jabbing me repeatedly with his needle so it required him totally manipulating my boob & then full on stabbing me over & over again. i have a huge tolerance for pain- but god damnit- that man had me ready to jump off the table with his first jab & all i could do was lie there and stare violently at the ceiling. basically it just sucked all around.
i came home immediately & completely passed out in my bed where i have been languishing in a deep 'almost' sleep ever since. my whole right breast & armpit area are totally bruised- i look like i've been used as a punching bag & though he claims i can go to yoga & pilates tomorrow morning i don't really see myself rising at 5 so that i can go stretch & exercise my chest & upper body for 3 hours. sleeping in until 8 & then slurping coffee at from a straw so i don't have to sit upright in my bed sounds much more pleasing. unfortunately i do have to go to work. i have 3 deadlines due & 2 projects coming in. blah. i can't fathom not working 60 stressful hours a week- but my oh my it does sound nice sometimes. i'm sure i would hate it- but fuck if i wouldn't like to find out.

Friday, June 10, 2005

that's auntie heather to you... tia if you're mexican

my sister-in-law should be the poster child of how all pregnancies should go: she's 5'11" & was as lithe as a bean pole through out the nine months- she gained 22 pounds & looked gorgeous. no sickness, no cravings, no nasty 'side-effects' other than being 'slightly tired' for about a month. june 10th was her due date & with the usual no non-sense punctuality & panache my brother matthew & his wife bonnie invited the first born child of our generation into the crazy clan i call my family.
austin matthew (poor child) reared his perfectly round little head into this world a mere 25 minutes after mummy's first push. the nurses pleaded with her to not share her child birth experience with others for fear word would get around that having babies was tantamount to a breezy set of tennis before lunch.... which i have been told, isn't usually the case... & often women require much more than a slight touch up of their make-up before the whole ordeal is over & done with.

it was also a landmark moment for technological advances within the family unit:
i've taken a few camera phone pictures.. but never felt the need to send them to anyone-it was more like 'ooooh, i have a camera that pales in comparison to the $2000 nikon i never use.... i think i will use this for no reason other than because it's here!!!!)... my brother on the other hand has a distinct dislike (or at least disinterest) in computers & most gadgety electronic things that don't perform a meaningful function... like mow the yard, blow things up, or move you from one spot to another. when he got a cell phone it was like the berlin wall fell all over again.
but still, even with our step forward into the modern world... it took sex, nine months & 6 pounds 11 oz. of freshly made human being for us to use our phones as a photo sharing device. he sent me pictures of the prodigal son. (sorry misha, you've been officially replaced).... i sent him pictures of my cat monty post-bath & several of me making moronic faces sitting on the floor in the bathroom.

i'm so excited to see the little bugger... i can't wait to sit down with my little nephew & read him all my favorite childhood books for the first time. my sister & i are both AVID collectors of children's books & we are fervent believers that children should be taught a love of reading from day one. we have decided it would be best to divide the task of building his library by territory: she took all american writers & i have taken all european & 'foreign' authors. she gets 'The Very Hungry Caterpillar', i get beatrix potter & winnie the pooh, etc, etc, etc... with obvious concessions to our areas of expertise concerning certain authors & topics near & dear to our hearts that may fall outside our geographic boundaries. she naturally will get tolkien, mythology & ancient history, i will most definitely be the one to bring him into the wonderful world of 20th century american literature, art & science. to hear us talk you would think we were planning a new wing at the new york public library... & i do believe that by the time we are done my dearest brother may very well have to build a new wing onto their house. he didn't seem to have any objections- so it all seems to be falling into place.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

nice shoes. what corner do you work on?

i say - fuck the practice of lopping off the arms of small children working in diamond mines... at least they are gainfully employed. wouldn't we be better off taking a machete to the ankles of women whose footwear is so offensively ugly it makes one wonder how it ever came to be in the first place???


i loathe stripper shoes. fucking ugliest things in the world & more often than not... so are the chicks that wear them.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

what we covet in the beginning, may very likely kill us in the end.

"i'm standing just feet away from the spot where a horrific train accident has claimed the life of one time new york darling & more recently, a local sacramento nobody, a woman, obviously past her prime named heather."
"she grew up at cbgb's & always lived within 3 blocks of a fire department.... i think after all those years, she just didn't hear loud noises anymore..... funny thing is, she could hear the high pitched whine of a bimbo trying to get fucked from a block away... & it would send her through the roof every time!"
"she never did have any respect for traffic signals or crosswalks. i've seen that girl skateboard through 6 lanes of traffic on canal street during rush hour & laugh when she wiped out or got 'bumped into' by a car... she was ALWAYS getting hurt & not once have i ever seen her wait for the light to change much less look to see if there was anything coming at her. to make matters worse: she couldn't skate for shit- but she put in more miles on that thing than most guys i know... & had the scars & broken bones/horror stories to prove it. i've never seen anyone fall down & break their finger just STANDING still on a board (or simply tape the pinky to the next finger & carry on with the day, for that matter) .... i can't say this really surprises me much.. that girl was a train wreck waiting to happen'
"i was sitting right over there where they are putting in the new rite aid, just minding my own business, drinking my ides & i see her walking by, not a care in the world, she had her earphones in & i could hear her music playing as she passed, she was listening to it real loud like, you know? sounded familiar, but i couldn't quite place the tune.... kind of left me feeling uneasy though- you know?
she never noticed the flashing lights at the train crossing, she sure as hell didn't hear the bells & i don't think she even saw the train until it was crossing over her. i pulled her out by her arms but only half of her body came. she was talking crazy- saying something like....

'i didn't see it coming- i was thinking about roller skating in the 3rd floor playroom for hours- listening to olivia newton john- god how i loved that movie when i was little. i'm all for roller skates & leg warmers... but to die like's just wrong...... god....... damn...... show tunes........ gasp'

& then she was dead and that was when one of her headphones fell out & i got a better listen to what was playing. it was that damn 'i'm alive' from the xanadu soundtrack. such a shame, it should be illegal to listen to that trash if you ask me. a girl is dead now. death by newton. her poor family. the shame they must feel."

Saturday, June 04, 2005

auntie mame

i had a completely frivolous day today. it was wonderful.

got up at 7:30, went to yoga & then pilates.
talked to daddy-o on the phone & discussed the best source to buy nickel plated piping & marble for my kitchen island plans.
sat outside & had a coffee while i did a quick sketch of a necklace i am making for my sister-in-law.
mulled over some color/fabric/paint sketches for the revamping of the house on 32nd.
went to the house on 32nd & picked up the paperwork to make it all official... peeked in windows & calculated the hours left until i could begin resuscitation.
shopped for my soon to be niece/nephew... will need to charter my own plane to get it all home.
ordered 5 devastatingly beautiful pairs of manolo's.
20 minutes later decided that money might be better spent going towards a new sofa... so i canceled my order.... (& didn't even mind!)
went to the spa for a pedicure & ended up being buffed, de-puffed, polished, scrubbed, manhandled, spritzed, kneaded, poked & prodded for 4 hours.... another 20 minutes & we would have been legally married.

came home, lounged on bed doing more sketches for the house, read magazines & flipped through art & design books. my mind is overflowing with plans & ideas. interior design runs deep in the family blood.

i keep forgetting to eat & now it is 20 of eleven- hardly the hour to park my butt on the kitchen floor & eat ice cream.. but i failed to make it to the market today & i don't really have much that doesn't require an hours prep time.

i sort of feel like sex- but there isn't a single person in the world i actually want to have it with anymore.
i think i would actually just prefer sitting in bed with a friend who will hold my hand & laugh at my ridiculous musings & remind me that things will be ok when i'm not so sure they will... & even that is nothing more than a figment these days because i look beside me on my bed & can't fathom who that person would be. maybe i just need to hone my taxidermy skills & stop living in lala land. hahaha