Saturday, April 30, 2005

a wake-up call from the prodigal son

my phone rang this morning at 6:30am - it was an unfamiliar ny cell number. my first instinct (sadly) is always 'oh god who's dead?' so i answered. much to my shock a lilting russian accent from long ago stirred me from my early morning confusion.

M: 'goodt morning my leettle magpie, hav i voke you up? you know who dis is? why are you in california? that makes no sense'
..... to which all i could answer was
H: 'yes i know. i'm not quite sure why i am here either.'
M: 'is it ok i call you? it's been a long time no? i bet you forgot all about me yes? i wait a long time to call. i was very angry with you. why did you leave your home? things could have been much different'
(& i laughed to myself at the familiarity of that phrase)
M: 'you should never have left like you did.'

....a bit of rather tense silence that brought back lots of unpleasant feelings...

M: 'we could have remained friends, we were friends no? & you just left. even when i saw you still - you were gone to me. it didn't have to be that way, did it?'
H: 'why are you calling now?' it's been like 5 years. how did you even find me?'
M: 'are you mad that i found you?'
H: 'no, i'm just very confused as to the how & why- especially now......... you've been talking to isaac haven't you?'
M: 'isaac is a good man- with wavering loyalty when it comes to us. it took time, but i broke him.
H: 'mmmmmm......'
M: 'you're right, actually, zat's not true at all. for a long time he wouldn't tell me anything. i see him last week & he comes to me like a school girl. says you asked about me. he spilled everything. he was very excited, you know.'
H: 'there's not much to tell. i live in suburban california, have a job i hate, no boyfriend & i want to adopt a baby.'
M: 'baby huh? raising babies by yourself is hard you know. why you want to do that? get married. or have one with me. you still do your ballet everyday?'
H: 'i don't have a teacher anymore. he married his girlfriend & the mother of his children & they all live happily in upstate new york, i believe.'
M: 'yes, that is true. but that doesn't mean i don't miss you & that's no reason to stop doing plies is it? i bet you're a mess aren't you? you needed watching constantly. terrible discipline...'
H: 'oh, you would be mortified i promise.'
M: 'and now you want to have babies?'
M: 'you must come back to ny. visit at least. babies later. i have many very beautiful photographs of you - you never got to see. i'm selling them to help fund the center. you should come to opening. everyone wants to see you. even lisa. she always like you. it was ME she didn't like when you were around- never you. and isaac needs you for his dresses too. he couldn't stop talking about you. he has no idea why you are doing this. he said you are miserable & lonely. you should have never left us like you did. it wasn't fair. just come home.'
H: i don't know what to do anymore.
M: this is not good. this is not my magpie i know & love. you start doing your ballet again at least, for your misha?
H: i will do my plies i promise, for my misha.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

we're number one in frivolous babble

and by 'us' i mean all 65 presonalities vacuum packed into my slight frame. no wonder none of my jeans fit right anymore. but anyway, back to me.... i just gave myself a much needed home facial (though hardly comprable to paying copious amounts of money for someone else to do it for me) with all my lovely new skincare crap. i ordered all of it from gay pari & it arrived last night. i smell like heaven. actually, i smell better than heaven- because looking over the roster of 'all good christians go to heaven' i'm not so sure heaven is all that good smelling.... & i can NOT stress enough how fucking GOOD i smell. this stuff rules. last night when i crawled into bed i just cupped my hands over my face & inhaled deeply until i fell asleep. as i see it- whether i have glowing youthful skin is neither here nor there at this point... if a line of skin care can actually make me smile & fall into a peaceful slumber it is worth every scent... but i must admit i love the pretty glass bottles & decanters it comes in. it feels wrong putting it on in my bathroom (& i have a nice enough bathroom for the most part) but it just feels so 'ratty jeans at the opera'..... i think i may have to invest in a dressing table. i've been poking around for a deco mirrored vanity.. but with such pretty, grown-up toiletries i think it has gone from want to need.... & maybe i should get some ladylike kitten heel slippers that i can throw across the room in wild uncharacteristic outbursts of emotion during heated discussions with my loving albeit fiesty boyfriend (who i've discovered doesn't actually exist except in my head)

i started out with the intent of writing something... & now i have absolutely NO recollection of what it was. it's time to go apply my potions & the bed. like a moron i called & signed up for a 6:15 am pilates class tomorrow, hung up the phone & 5 minutes later was plowed over with a case of cramps that would send marga himmler reeling. so typical. should be a fun morning


GOD I AM SUCH A LOSER

Sunday, April 24, 2005

hanoi'd with jane

isn't there a prison camp somewhere that would take her?
she shouldn't have any problem going.... i mean, the conditions really aren't THAT bad... especially for a bulimic. she won't need to eat.

or maybe a sniper?????? how hard can it be to just take that woman out of commission once and for all & put a bloody end to her incessant droning? as i see it: klute is available on dvd... do we really need to keep her around for anything else?
she claims to have found jesus.... well hells bells, i say let's introduce the them.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

i think i'm pregnant

not really. but wouldn't that be fun? Best & Co. has been nagging at me for years to pop out a couple chickens for them to dress & sadly.... i have no chickens... and most likely never will. that sort of bums me out. my life was never ever supposed to end up like this. things could have turned out so differently.

on the brighter side of events in my life......
i think i have to have boob surgery again. i was lounging on the sofa watching 'i love the 80's' & naturally, in full al bundy mode i was feeling my boobs.... & much to my disappointment i found yet another lumpypooh- it's tiny & i'm sure no big deal... but i swear, if they keep taking things OUT of me... i'm going to HAVE to break my anti-tit-job stance & tell them to 'fill'em up' next time i'm under the knife. actually, the last time i had to deal with this i woke up mid-surgery & suggested that they feel free to remove as much fat from my ass as they felt necessary to make up for lost boob.... no takers. in fact i think i terrified all the doctors & nurses that i magically came to & began a full on conversation. (to which my mother retorted..."they should have tried raising you or getting you to stay asleep for more than 20 minutes at a time starting at age 2"

fortunately, i still have really nice boobs. just lots of false alarms in the cancer department- but i am sure to get a hit one of these days... & i really hope i at least get one more date or two in before my body really goes to hell - because if there is one thing i have learned since living in here in california.... if you don't look like a pornstar you aren't worth looking at. & while i in no way resemble a porn star now nor have i ever, and never get looked at as it is, i know i if loose any portion of my body to anything other than exercise i will be shit out of luck when it comes to the superficial world of love & happiness.
so monday it's off to the doctor's office again. joy of joys. i have a new one though... maybe he will be cute. i want a doctor that looks like benecio del toro.

Friday, April 15, 2005

help- i've had a liquid lunch & can't get up

oi vey. we had several bottles of veuve clicquot during our little 15 year anniversary lunch... i'm not a big fan of champagne, but i can get the stuff down in emergencies... the end result always being the same: 20 min later all life drains from me & i am reduced to a languid pile of girl on whatever bare surface i can find large enough to hold my body. i feel like i may slide out of my seat into a pile beneath my desk any minute now.

i'm such a light weight- two little glasses & i feel like i drank a magnum on my own.
i hate it when they make me drink at work. it renders me useless for the rest of the day. now all i want to do is curl up in bed with a boy & kiss until i fall asleep for the rest of the afternoon.

not an option.

Friday, April 08, 2005

sing me to sleep, (i'm feeling goth & i want to get out of my head.)

full blown exhaustion has stolen my will to sit upright unaided. i am going to bed & i'm filling the cat bowl to HIGH in case i opt never to rise again. deep down i know there are a million reasons to make it not so- there are things i must read, things to build, places i still must explore, cake to be eaten, that elusive baby i must make on my own i guess- but none the less, once i have it, it will be mine to dress & play with & talk to & teach.... blah blah blah... it's just that it all seems so far away & pointless right now.

the perfect outfit hanging in my closet- rendered useless & never to be worn because the right shoes are not for sale.
we'll see what the night brings i guess, i make no promises of returning.