Sunday, March 13, 2005

birthdays & funerals

i talked to my father on the phone today- he's the one who lives & dies for unseasonable changes on the doppler radar & dramatic climatic differences between the coasts. needless to say, the man was overjoyed by california's burst of early spring temperatures compared to the 3 feet of snow & 20 degree weather back east. i swear i don't actually enjoy the weather so much as i like telling him that i slept with my windows open last night & walked to the market in a halter top & skirt. it brings about an enthusiasm in him i don't ever recall seeing as a child (without a glass of gin in his hand anyway.)

he went on to tell me that he & my mother were planning a 13th birthday party for the family dog- a portly, 55 pound cocker spaniel named sid vicious.... without ceremony, he continued to tell me that he had just finished making sid's coffin.... & expounded with a great deal of pride on the craftsmanship & quality... not to mention the size... because as i mentioned before... sid is a rather LARGE cocker spaniel. i only interrupted once.. to asked 'wait, is he alive or dead????"... 'oh, no, no he's still alive... but he's old, he could go tonight- you never know.. & i want to be prepared... that thing took me all day... & there's 3 feet of snow outside' (i didn't quite get the connection.... but opted to not pursue it)
'so let me get this straight... you're doing a birthday/funeral combo pack for sid's 13th birthday... complete with party hats, doggy cake &.. i'm guessing you've commissioned a funeral dirge to be played during the 'festivities/mourning'??? (dad chuckles & murmurs, 'hmm, hadn't thought of that') i continue: 'so what did MOM have to say about this??? does she agree with this whole thing or is she pissed?' (keep in mind i am laughing this entire time)
'oh she got really upset & mad & started crying. she won't look at it.' (he says with a distinct note of satisfaction)
'but she's game for the birthday party?'
'yes, we thought it would be funny to take pictures of the dogs & then send them to you kids to piss you off'
'yes, well, as you know.. you really don't have to work so hard at that one.'

and people wonder how i got so strange....

Saturday, March 12, 2005

pointless reverie. all is lost, regardless of where it turns up.

over a decade ago i read something that made me pause for a moment & hope. i don't remember what i was reading when i found it: was it a book, a magazine, poetry, essays, an interview???.... the vehicle in which i spied it eludes me completely. all i remember is that i was in st. mark's books & it struck me so - that i actually purchased it & took it home with me so that i would never lose those words.

to my knowledge i have never thrown away any printed material i would have bought at st. mark's & yet i have no idea what happened to what i purchased that day. i have searched in vain for years- at all hours of night & day... an obsessive compulsive gone mad.. through my hundreds of books.... trying to put my eyes on it once more- just to have it & know it was real, not my imagination.
what frustrated me most- was that i could remember the gist of it but not the actual wording. and as each year passed the feeling it had left with me with dissipated a little more with each forgotten word.

a couple years ago i grabbed a journal of japanese photography that had a favorite photo in it- which i wanted to scan & use on an envelope i was making. i had flipped through this book a 1000 times in the 8 or so years i had owned it- but this time when i got to the page with the photograph there was a small piece of turquoise writing paper tucked into the spine. i opened it & much to my total amazement i found the words that had eluded me for so many years. i have no recollection of writing the passage down on paper, much less nesting it away in a book i would buy several years after first reading them... but there it was in front of me & in my handwriting... just the words, no hint of where they had originally come from or how they ended up in this particular book.

elated that they were in my possession once again i included them in the design of the parcel i was putting together.. not as a sentiment towards you at all, but more as a safeguard that i would never lose them again. i didn't really know you at all then- but instinct told me you weren't the type that threw things away & something inside of me said that in 10 years- if the words became lost again i could call you at 3 a.m. & say 'go find that envelope & read the fine print'... & with only minimal questioning & a good deal of rummaging you would come back to the phone & put my mind at ease once again.

instinct is an amazing, curious thing.

i mailed the letter without another thought.
& life, being what it is (sometimes, not so much about hope & understanding as it is about just staying alive) i let the scrap of paper fall from my hands & the words disappeared from consciousness for a very long time.

and then my world changed. i decided to give living one more shot. i found a new job, i moved, i started over completely... once again.
and with all this change you eventually became a real person. everything i had liked about you in the past, when you were just words & a voice disappeared & became superfluous, extraneous information that mattered very little now that you were a solid, tactile creature. instead i had found someone far more interesting with much more to say than he ever let on. and at some point it ceased to be about what you said or did that affected me, it was what you kept to yourself that had the strongest pull on my mind.

one afternoon i found that piece of turquoise paper.... sitting on my desk, in a small stack of papers, over a year later & 2500 miles away from the last time i had laid eyes on it... there it was- once again. i picked it up & it read:

'i think what i see in you that is most suitable to my liking are glimpses of myself that are unsuitable for anyone else.'

they were no longer words of abstract longing for something i knew i wanted to feel someday. they were how i felt for you- but always seemed to be lacking the right words to express myself. i guess i had them all along- i just never knew where they were kept until i really needed to hear them - and then they would just turn up on their own in the oddest places.

it was then that i came to terms with how i felt & realized it wasn't going to go away. i wrote them once more, this time just for you- not as some safety net for future use. naturally, i don't recall where i put it or if you ever even read them. but i lacked the nerve to say it out loud. or maybe it was just the realization that the story wasn't going to turn out to be a happy one that kept me from saying anything in person.

the thing is, in the 10 years since i first read those rather simple 24 words, there hasn't been a single other person to whom they applied except you. and i am no closer to being that person in your eyes than i was a couple years ago when i unknowingly sent them to a stranger.

i found that paper again this afternoon.
who would have thought they would end up haunting me instead of consoling me as they once had. they no longer inspire a hope that there will eventually be someone out there who is just as messed up on the inside. that there will be someone who understands & takes comfort in knowing they have found a comrade who is needless of the self doubt, the secrecy & the lies that have shrouded life for so long.

instead, all they do now is remind me that apparently, i truly am unsuitable for everyone.

and so, after 10 years of false hope finding it's way into my life, i finally threw it in the trash.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

"relevence doesn't happen overnite"

true, but it can be lost in a second.

i have a ghost living in my computer. today i checked my mail- deleted everything but 2 in my inbox that i wanted to save from an old friend. but i noticed i still had '2' pages of messages & that if i hit 'next' down at the bottom they magically appeared but are otherwise non-existant.

they made me laugh a little. pointless, silly stuff- but none the less, my only token from a from a friend who made me happy for a short time. i have no idea where they came from & he is long gone now - except for a few pointless silly letters.
-----------------------


From: brandon
Date:
Jul 12, 2004 6:53 PM
Subject:
listen to henry rollins
Body:
oh stop it...
i wasn't "yucking" you, the comment before me the barbaequetioner! hahaha .... i dont know if you know him or whatever, i just thought he layed it on a little thick. youre not a fag, well yea you are, but in a good way like me... hey those pictures of the abandoned whatever you were creeping around in -snapping weired frames in... those were great, did you use some weird color filters? or just a bitchin digital ? im an art fag, i explore all the time, always looking for compelling backgrounds to liven up an otherwise dull foreground. you're neat. spooky and neat. actually, i dont know a fucking thing about film or photography but i have an eye for neat, and you do too maybe. wheres your devil lock? all the it girls are in devil locks this season. hope you had a nice born on the 4th of july and rode around in a wheel chair, sorry to hear you guys lost a friend. i know it all too well. visited snack snacks yeterday, i think he may be in love with you and is playing it cool. i made his kid give me a tattoo, we talked about the netherlands and i think id be gay for him because his chin stubble does this neat neat neat 5 ocklock shadow thing and he has good skin, if i drove on that side of the streat anyway... but we just talked about how much we loved our girlfriends like true fags, all the while carving YOU CANT PUT YOUR ARM AROUND A MEMORY into my left one(arm). words drisled out by one Jonny Thunders, the same man who sang theres a little bit 'a whore in every woman. im no womanizer, its a tuffguy front, actually, its more like an interesting backdrop for a boring foreground, pictures however are worth a thousand words, spur of the moment song lyrics lose their piss in like 5 years. we should listen to rollins band, that low self opinion song, that always perks me up and makes me want to start eating healthy and have a big neck and shit hahaha. i love you dont move away.


From: brandon
Date: Jul 21, 2004 1:14 PM
Subject:
RE: RE: RE: so....
Body:
theres nothing temporary about the nazification of my bike. the x's kept me secret. ill remain secret forever.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: monster in a box
Date: Jul 21, 2004 10:03 AM
nothing makes your ass look as amazing as the bare metal seat of a "nazi lufthansa bike" (& you have me to thank for the temporary nazification of that bike- though i was never very happy with how the x's on your eyes turned out)
h

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: brandon
Date: Jul 21, 2004 09:56 AM
i dont have your address yet. dont tell me what it is, that way there will be an unexpected suprise someday. unfortunatley the enema shot isnt mine. but ill send you something tonight that makes my ass look just as amazing as foreign plumbing. if you can get the guy to put me on the enema mailing list, id be okay with it. cleanse your soul. love brandon'tputthatinmyass

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: monster in a box
Date: Jul 21, 2004 09:02 AM
i came home the other day to find a photo of a man's ass with an enema tube hanging out of it.
please tell me you didn't decide to leave me a little present in my mail box. hahahh.
IT WAS HOT! (& actually, i seem to have a serial enema stalker. he left me one last year too)
h

From: brandon
Date:Jul 22, 2004 5:32 PM
Subject: RE: No Subject
Body:
its not funny, when you are so strung out that you find solace in a black box by "you" i mean rhetorical me. i know what you mean i think... well i get a meaning from what it says. id take you to the beach if it wasnt weird, but it would be weird. im akward. and my girlfriend cannot accept platonic friendships just as much as i couldnt accept her having one, now thats funny... i have to go up and change jacks sheets pretty soon, ill bring you lunch but the conversation will be nil, keepin my heroes heroes and all that. not that i would be dissapointed by you but why even prompt the possibility. lord knows you'd think i should have been taller and less waif-like.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: monster in a box
Date: Jul 22, 2004 05:18 PM
haha. you have good eyes.

From: brandon
Date: Jul 25, 2004 11:37 PM
Subject:
RE: i keep thinking
Body:
heres a hint: there have been several times when the only thing keeping me from killing myself was the indecision from which Jawbreaker album I wanted to be found with, they all capture a certain part of me but to have them all at the site where the body is found would seem cluttered and to pick one randomly would cheapen it so ugh... my life lingers on.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: heather
Date: Jul 24, 2004 12:53 PM
the guy in the center of your photo is this guy i used to go out with. it freaks me out every time i see it. i'm bored. it's sat & i have NOTHING to do. my life blows.
later,
h

From: brandon
Date: Jul 25, 2004 11:47 PM
Subject:
post script
Body:
everybody's life blows. unfortunatley/fortunatley God divvied out different amounts of awareness to people, apparently in no particular kind of order. so what seems terrible to you could be heaven to me, while someone with no problems in your eyes might gouge out there own in anguish. when it comes to conception of misery individual interpretation leaves me wanting a group vote. but i hate the mob mentality. solution: world wide abstenance, lets thin out the population till finally there isnt one. we'll leave a giant billboard behind that says "it was much worse once."
that way whatever evolves after us will have a good head start. if we could only teach them to read the sign...


From: brandon
Date: Jul 26, 2004 1:14 AM
Subject:
RE: RE: post script script
Body:
to heather i bequeth the ugly part of my target practice, a better suited bedside companion to her bag full of feathers. half a head full of koo koo.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: heather
Date: Jul 26, 2004 12:48 AM
when it comes time to divy things up.... can i just have whats left of your skull, i.e. the non-better looking hunk of your rather large head?

From: brandon
Date: Jul 26, 2004 12:32 PM
Subject:
RE: thank you/responding to letters out of sequence
Body:
tattoo is done, finished on sunday. jack says hi, we'e going to joan jett and the black hearts at paso robles mid state fair. its a blast. seeing her at a fair is total hollywood ambiance. rad- i said ambiance, its like a seen from teen wolf or legend of billy jean, hearing her play victim of circumstance with all these john cougar meloncamp fans rocking at dusk with the smell of popcorn and ferris wheels, my idea of dreamland. bringing my gothic lullaby, she hates joan jett and eyes will roll, but i dont care, ill still have fun, besides i took her to the sf zoo on saturday and then ate a mushroom burger in the castro while mustached hunks called me slugger. i was wearing her sweater and my hair was combed very "boytoy" they can't resist. in fact ive considered on several occasions, usually after heartbrake, becoming a male hooker and cleaning up. i'd make a killing, gays adore me, id be good at it. gay gay gay. fuck. im gonna get joan to sign my I LOVE ROCK AND ROLL lp, and then group photo, it will be a dream come true. snacky will be germs date. but he says he's gonna win joan over to our team, i don't think it can be done. but apparently germ has a magic weener.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: heather
Date: Jul 26, 2004 12:20 AM

i was sitting in my bed (where i have spent most of the weekend)... engaging in a girlish wimpering reverie over girlish wimpery type things & now i can't stop laughing. i actually snorted twice... such a lady... but they were rather lady like snorts if i say so myself. god.. i'm still laughing. maybe i have gone giddy....
at any rate- you're right.. everyone's life does blow.. and quite honestly- my life doesn't blow nearly as much as it has in the past- so i really shouldn't be complaining.. it just comes second nature- like breathing.
so did you get partie deux de tatouage today?(tattoo part II) (i'm teaching my cats french- so i like to toss in the occassional non-sensical phrase here & there) i slept, i ate, i rode my bike in the sun & burned my back with the exception of this odd triangle between my shoulder blades (it looks like i was wearing a teeny cape???) & then i lounged on my ass the rest of the night debating whether or not it was worth the effort to get up & get something to eat. i kept calling out to my manservant... but alas, he does not exist & so i was forced to wait on myself once again. then i retired to bed to talk to my pillows for awhile... engaging in all those important conversations i should have with people... but that never come out quite as eloquent when i am talking to anything other than a bag full of feathers.
heather

------------------------------------------------------------------
From: heather
Date: Aug 31, 2004 12:12 PM
Subject:
hey and another thing
i realize this seems like a somewhat pointless thing to say considering how miserable you must be right now... but you really just have to know that things eventually do work themselves out. it doesn't happen on its own... sitting back, slaying dumb chicks & snorting coke off their asses won't bring about happiness & a life full of cheer & hope (i don't think anyway) it does take effort on your part. but if you never listen to a word that comes out of my mouth trust me with this one thing. no matter how fucking horrible & pointless your life seems it DOES get better. but you have to be fucking strong enough to ride out the shit that seems destined to take us down.
you know, i've actually been dead twice. i've watched my boyfriend blow his head off 3 feet away from me. i have had so many friends die in front of me i can't even count them on both hands, i've loved two people. the first let me taste his brain. the second is currently a drug addict who only speaks to me when his life falls apart yet another notch & he needs to know someone out there still gives a shit about him. i'm 32, alone, my skin is total shit these days thanks to a never ending onslaught of stress & hormones that should be put to use making babies but instead just seem to swim around my body making me cranky. i fill my hours working like a fucking new york stock broker because it is the only thing that fills up the emptiness & keeps me from sitting in my living room thinking about all i want & may never have.
and yet i believe wholeheartedly that this is NOT as good as it is going to get. because everything changes constantly. and what you would gladly die over today you won't even fucking remember in 5 years.
trust me. things do & will get better... & then they will suck again- only to once again turn around when you least expect it.
maybe that isn't much to base your life upon. but at the end of the day it's more realistic than having a set plan.
but being depressed makes that hard to see. i hope you get a break soon that if nothing else gives you 5 min of not hating life.
if you ever need anything i promise i will do what i can to help. even if you just want to sob over the telephone for a little bit. don't worry boy. life only sucks about 70f the time. the other 30f the time it's not so bad.
heather.
- no need to talk. you can just cry if you like.

From: brandon
Date: Aug 31, 2004 1:00 PM
Subject:
RE: hey and another thing
Body:
germs a real dumb bastard for not loving you. youre a true gem. im smiling, i like it when you call me boy. deap breath....

From: brandon
Date: Oct 20, 2004 9:47 AM
Subject:
hey
Body:
sorry no call back it was LATE, anyway, jack seems ok, i guess he's been PLAY ACTING a little too much on the phone, i think he likes people to think hes more fucked than he is... still up in the air for this weekend, he's deffinitly embarrased and fucked about intimidation and people will think im garbage, im not ready. so i told him to cool it on the drahmatic phone lameness cause im not buyin it anymore and also him saying he's playin it up to make him sound worse off than he is I only half believe, so Im of course still concerned. the plan is still in the works but he's invited me over to his hole in san jose so I think i'll hold off until i go visit and make a final summation, we'll fix it. hes fucking with the wrong guy.

From: brandon
Date: Nov 11, 2004 7:52 PM
Subject:
miss you
Body:
the true heroes who eat tacos everyday in umah will one day find glory in hollister.
i fly out saturday morning i hope. 14 hour days and im the most well behaved. dirty tired and sick of looking at "tradesmen" all day with shitty beards and carhart overalls. we will dine in the beautiful city. where the mexicans at least pretend to be white.
ill have some money, we can park at the coit tower this time. and share in each others company, two strangers on an iceberg, waiting for their boats and hoping nothing melts in the mean time.

survey:
1. have you ever kissed your sister or brother... you know what i mean...
2.biggest thing youve ever stolen
3.most expensive thing youve ever stolen
4.coolest thing youve ever done and never told anyone, simply to keep it perfect.
5.ever cheated on a boyfriend
6.favorite david lynch film
7.favorite john waters film
8.favorite punk hair do
9.-------------- hair dont
10.favorite song to sing to yourself to pacify while in the company of people you want to kill
11.favorite name
12.favorite thing to do when you should be at work
13.favorite lie to tell
14.favorite place to spend 100 dollars

From: brandon
Date: Nov 11, 2004 8:32 PM
Subject:
RE: RE: miss you
Body:
those were all correct answers

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: heather
Date: Nov 11, 2004 08:17 PM

14 hour days can not possibly be fun- i'm sorry- i know it must suck. take care of yourself & don't worry... it will be over soon & i promise to take good care of you when you get home if you let me. wish i could kiss your back while you brush your teeth before bed tonight.
xox
heather.

survey:
1. have you ever kissed your sister or brother... you know what i mean...
no. i did kiss my step cousin though- both actually... john AND carrie. we were little kinky kids though. hahha

2.biggest thing youve ever stolen
???hmm. i don't remember. stuff from this theatre i used to work at i guess but i don't recall what exactly.

3.most expensive thing youve ever stolen
have you been doing a lot of theivery in yuma?

4.coolest thing youve ever done and never told anyone, simply to keep it perfect.
i used to sneak into the old theatre i worked in during the night & hang out in the huge 3rd floor ballroom that nobody had been in since like 1900. it was really neat in there & i loved it.

5.ever cheated on a boyfriend
once when i was in college- but he had pretty much destroyed the trust we had & it was over except that we lived in the same house.

6.favorite david lynch film
the elephant man

7.favorite john waters film
hair spray- but only because my second 'mom' joann havarila was in it.

8.favorite punk hair do
boys who shave all their hair off & then complain constantly about how they don't have any hair.

9.-------------- hair dont
anything that requires more time to fix than mine does.

10.favorite song to sing to yourself to pacify while in the company of people you want to kill
miss misery by elliott smith

11.favorite name
tallulah

12.favorite thing to do when you should be at work
shop for make up! (yes- believe it! it's true!)

13.favorite lie to tell
"i don't care."

14.favorite place to spend 100 dollars
the strand bookstore in nyc.

From: branodon
Date: Dec 16, 2004 12:12 PM
Subject:
RE: my bio
Body:
thats really good, i like you all over again.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: heather
Date: Dec 16, 2004 10:15 AM
it's insanely gay but i had to tone down my 'tone' for work. i'm at a loss as to what to say. is this too lame for words???
Title: Designer
Hometown: Warren, PA
Education: Pennsylvania State University, School of Visual Arts
First job: Set Builder/painter, Prop Designer
Studio function: Design, Web, the goofy girl in the corner
Inspirations: Deserted buildings, old machinery, color, anything old & broken down, a good piece of cake
Interests: Building things, tearing things apart, collecting stuff (don’t even get me going) old punk rock, fashion design, reading, cooking, writing, ruling my secret underground empire
Pet peeves: Ignorance & laziness
-------
For someone who started speaking at 10 months & never stopped, I find myself suddenly lacking in commentary. I have given up the hope of profundity, entertainment or revolutionary insight into the creative mind of ‘Heather’ in 150 words or less. At the end of the day i like what i like & it changes with the hour- stock piling itself in my head for later use. I usually find beauty in dark forgotten corners, a melancholy snippit of tom waits echoing in my head & a silent walk down great jones street alone at 5am on a sat morning.
I’m not really one to wax poetic on the creative process. I do what i do because it is all I have ever known & it is the only thing that puts my mind at ease. That nagging need to visually understand everything around me started early & I never grew out of it. I was the only child in kindergarten who knew kermit the frog was pantone 382 & how to use an architects scale. Natural progression dictated that someday I would end up in a profession that understood I do my best work while sitting in the bathtub listening to Judy Garland or Johnny Thunders & that sometimes the “greatest” ideas end up garbage & a pretty piece of trash blowing down the street can be the inspiration for your best work ever.

From: brandon
Dec 19, 2004 11:13 PM
Subject:
i am thrashed.
Body:
sunday nite. just finished a 17 hour push. should be ok. morning shift comes in at 5 am. the machine should be runnin for the first crew. we are gonna stay behind till wednesday to keep an eye on it. my watch comes at 9 am on monday and we will swing shifts till wednesday so things will take on a strange skew. its always 20 degrees in the plant. FUCKING COLD. face is chapped and eyes are burning from chlorine gas and detergents they spray constantly to keep the place sanitary. what a fun time. but the hard part is over for now. if things run smooth and that shit box doesnt lunch, we will be home on wednesday nite. thanks for the lettters and text messages. we get NO reception in the plant or there abouts and none in the hotel either. typical. havnt had much time to talk or write. id like to see you befoe you head east. we'll see how it goes. still havnt xmas gifted anyone. so im fucked. but im nigger rich. think im gonna buy a toyota pickup and lose this funny cop car joke. jason has first dibs but really? money talks. back hurts, complaint department-I am tonight. talk soon. send me a massage.

From: bradnon
Dec 21, 2004 10:45 PM
Subject:
proffessional ass
Body:
it has to stay in umah for another 2 days i think. ric my boss is having a break down. everyones gone home as of tomorrow at 8 am. except me and ric. its been very hard on my nerves working out here. fucking FREEZING heather. im tired. and rich, and i want to come home. the machine has been nothing but problems and its driving ric crazy. its fucked. i havnt worked less than 15 hours yet. we started at 5 today and humped it till fucking 11 pm. i have to drive johnny the guy who waked off the job site last time.. to the airport at 6 am tomorrow then we will push till the fucking thing has some new mods on it then maybe home xmas eve nite. fucked. im tired and tired of eating fucking fast food and jacking off to lap top porn. miss you, hope we can at least talk regular style before you fly to PA.

From: brandon
Dec 22, 2004 10:22 PM
Subject:
i totally quote goth anthems
Body:
its fucked.
im who you hate.
anyhow, tonight is the "last night of the fair"
ill be a "god in an alcove" tomorrow for the rest of the week. Brant's sleeping in my bed right now. Because he's "tired. oh so sick and tired" and i guess we're going xmas shopping for christmas tomorrw. "jesus was a communist, jesus was a pacifist." i hope you get to see me. i would like to lick the small of your back after you've sweat sufficiently. and also we should eat fancifully. the city would be fun, sacramento would be realistic. ill have a new truck soon hopefully. so things wont be as disgusting.
miss you
"die die die my darling"

---------------------------------------------------------


and then it was over.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

all dressed up without a date for the hardware store, or:

"nobody ever became a lesser person for learning how to apply eyeshadow"

well i just woke up from a rather extended afternoon nap. i'm starting to question my incentive/motivation/"what difference does it make in the end" when it comes to getting up in the morning to go to the gym- since all i do is eat & sleep when i get home. i went this morning for a few hours - PREcoffee- god it was awful- spent a good hour or so in the whirlpool/sauna/steam room, stopped by the grocery store, came home had a ham & cheese sandwich & some chocolate cake, ANOTHER hot bath & then crawled into bed for what was supposed to be a short respite before i got on with the day. (oh... & i DID actually exercise) ...several hours later i woke with a throbbing headache- due to lack of coffee & little desire to do much of anything other than talk to the pillow next to me in bed.
but being the strong willed trooper that at least one of my personalities is.... i managed to drag myself out of bed, make some coffee, eat more chocolate cake & look at my butt in the mirror for awhile as i tried to decided what to do with the 'remains of the day'/night... which segued into sitting on my bathroom sink curling my hair & putting on makeup for no one.
i have this new-found attraction to eyeshadow... spawned exclusively by the latest nars color collection of wispy citrons & sheer cherry. never before has a collection piqued my interest quite so much. the fact of the matter is- i SUCK at wearing it/applying it... but LOVE color & packaging- so i am a cosmetic companies dream target market- i buy it for every reason other than actual need- so there is no limit to the amount of money i can spend in a single afternoon- week after week, season after season, trend after trend.
for lack of anything better to do i spent the better part of an hour playing with my new eye colors & shiny lipsticks... the objective being: look pretty, not like a cheap date after a hard night of smoking crank & numerous dive bar bathroom frolics.
i think i pulled it off & have to say i am really rather pleased with myself. who knew i had such an artful hand. for years i have convinced myself i was completely handicapped. but in reality i was just spoiled & lazy. i've always had make-up artists & very adept friends close at hand to clean me up when necessary, so i never really learned how to do it on my own like a normal girl. as a result, i'm ashamed to admit this-because i realize how asinine it is: it always seemed rather a plebeian task to have to do it yourself.... and i suppose it is... IF YOU'RE QUEEN ELIZABETH I or TSARINA ALEXANDRA FYODOROVNA..... i, on the other hand, am merely princess heather of pennsylvania & shouldn't be above grooming & dressing myself- regardless of how tiresome & droll it seems. had i known all this before & realized my folly, i might very well be a married woman right now. (because, as all rational, brilliant, single, and other wise fabulous middle aged women know- it is because of their lack of cosmetology training that they are still alone, miserable & without dates.)
unfortunately, i'm a late bloomer & this is just hitting me now. it's saturday night & instead of having the man i love most kissing my ear & telling me how lovely i look... i am heading off to the hardware store alone to pick up some soil & pots. who knows, maybe i will meet some endearing man while perusing the boxes of 'slug be gone' but i doubt it. deep down i still know all the superficial alterations in the world won't change anything. Fran├žois Nars is but a man, not a god & i will never be with the one i want most because he is lost forever.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

something is wrong

i have been getting headaches again. i attributed them to the usual stress & mental deluge of living this shitty life- but this afternoon i ran out to buy some pretty new makeup (wooppee!!) & while piling the nars, chantecaille & laura mercier high in my basket i got a pain in my head so sharp & so deep my eyes went black & i almost went unconscious. not one to make a scene- i just stood there hoping i wouldn't fall over & it finally passed... finished my shopping & went back to work.
i felt pretty shitty all day & decided against yoga after work- ran to the food co-op to get some bread & bath salts for my aching muscles & while walking over there i broke out in a sweat & kept getting the pains in my head. i almost had to stop- but when i walked the air felt cool on my face & i was afraid if i stopped i would puke on the sidewalk.
got my shit, came home- got in the tub & have been doing my very best not to vomit with every movement i make. i feel like someone has stuck a sharp metal rod up through the base of my skull & keeps ramming it with their fist causing it to jab me behind my right eye.
i don't even have it in me to play with all my lovely eye shadows & glossy lipsticks. i think i am just going to go bend my head over my toilet- see what comes out & crawl into bed.