Sunday, February 13, 2005

no dose of topical heaven will ever heal the pain of ingested hell.

i must pull the stitches from my eyes and mouth

that keep the rotting corpse pushed so deep inside.

it's time to induce the vomiting of my soul
& pray it will be my last foray into a world i don't understand.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

you talk a lot, you say very little, you do even less

and in the end your intelligence, your vision and your talent will equal exactly what you amount to as a whole:
NOTHING.

you will never have the true loyalty, the honesty or the perseverance it takes
to pull yourself up out from the dregs & be a man unto yourself... because there is no self.
'you' don't exist as anything but a handful of inconsistencies & poorly thought out personality traits lifted from everyone you've ever left in your wake.

'you' are a joke. 'you' are a lie. and what scares you more than anything in this world-
is the knowledge that this is the only truth in your entire life.
you would be best to save your laughable ego for when you have lived a life that is actually worth boasting about.
right now- you are nothing but empty words falling from a broken mouth, gasping desperately for an identity.

i see now that there was never a single second in your presence that was real. i look back & realize the person i liked & thought was a friend never actually existed - everything that ever came from your mouth was nothing more than a calculated lie.
i honestly can't fathom the mind that would treat me as you have & seemingly without so much as even a second thought or regret. but i know one thing- it makes me positively violent with anger & sickness that such a weak, pathetic creature ever invaded my life.

you are as foul as they come. make no mistake.
you WILL die alone, miserable & bitter- having never achieved anything so easily within your grasp.
and you will die knowing there is NO ONE in this world to blame, except your own weakness & petty insecurity.
your total inability to walk through life like a man instead of crawling on your knees like the cheap, stupid whores you sell your soul to time & again will be your living death.

all the intelligence & talent in the world means NOTHING if you are too much of a pussy to ACTUALLY do something with it other than TALK.
i think back on the never ending stream of shit that fell from your lips about your 'brotherhood' & it certainly puts LOYALTY & HONOR in a whole knew light.
it's ironic that you ended up being the one to truly shine as the perfect example of what NOT to be.
loyalty & honor- you know NOTHING of these words. you're just a fan who bought season tickets.
you're no hero.
you are a fraud & a lie.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

all the good parts hurt

today i got up at 5:30 am to go to the gym.

that i have become a person who would actually get up at 5:30 am to go to the gym makes me want to taste bullets in itself.
that i now FEEL like a person that got up at 5:30 am to go to the gym is bringing that reality a little bit closer with each & every attempt to get out of my seat, lift my arms or breathe.

i 'jogged up a steep incline' for 10 miles this morning... 3 of them backwards (oh the joy of modern technology!)
my lower extremities have never known such anguish.
HOURS upon HOURS of ballet & being strapped into a pilates torture devise have never made me want to cry so badly.

and then, as if that wasn't enough i went to that room with all the 'machines' & weights & did all that crap. i did TEN pull ups. i was so proud of myself.... & fortunately nobody saw me practically fall off the bar on the last one when my arms totally gave out.

after that it was off to the locker room... my favorite part of exercise to be sure. i lolled about in the jacuzzi for a half hour eating grapefruit slices, then into the sauna where i wrapped myself in 10 towels & lost a good 2 pounds in sweat... then it was into the steam room where once again i lazed about dripping wet & naked before finally dragging myself back to my locker to get dressed.

it's been a long time since i've spent that much time totally naked around strangers.... & quite honestly i've seen enough fat old woman boobs & 70's pubic hair to last me a life time. i can only imagine what they think of me.... i have a feeling none of them have ever seen a grown woman sans body hair of any sort. they probably think i am some sort of pervert. i think i might start wearing stripper heels into the shower & get a tit job.... actually, if i ever look 1/10th like half those women i will be at the doctor's office in a second requesting he please lift my boobies back up above my elbows. i think fake tits are fucking NASTY... but apparently when you get old they turn into wet socks dangling from your collar bone & i will have none of that.

at any rate... my legs, ass, stomach, boobs & head are killing me.