Saturday, January 29, 2005
Thursday, January 27, 2005
i haven't thought much about brandon the last couple weeks but for whatever reason he popped into my head yesterday & my mood has been SHITE ever since. he makes me sick. i'm so repulsed - i can't even believe how much i liked him. such a waste. when i look back & realize that every word he uttered, every thought he had, every movement he made in my presence was nothing more than calculated bullshit lies (most gleaned off of other people no less) i just want to puke. to think that NOTHING he ever said or did had ANY truth to it infuriates me. i've never met anyone so completely fucked up & such a piece of shit when it comes to being a human being.
i'm so ashamed at myself for being so foolish & stupid. not to mention the humiliation that comes from being treated like absolute shit by a person who is so completely worthless. it's so embarrassing to think how everyone warned me, told me exactly how it would end & like an idiot i didn't listen- even though i too knew it was destined to fail. how could i have trusted him? it isn't as though i didn't KNOW what he was capable of. that i can look back over a million emails & messages & READ all the horrible bullshit that he wrote/told me about every girl he's ever encountered (of which there are many- always a good indicator in itself), including the monster he has proclaimed his undying love for.... to read over the vile words that poured out of him like it was something to be PROUD of....i was a FUCKING IDIOT for ever even letting him speak to me much less letting him step foot inside my life. i would give anything to just smack him in the face with every ounce of my soul. not that it would matter, he is incapable of reacting like a living, breathing, feeling human being & in the end whatever i do will only become fodder for him to joke about with the boys.
he really is spineless, pathetic scum. i used to think damon was the lowest, most despicable person i had ever met, but much to my amazement, brandon leaves me with such a feeling of absolute repugnance & disgust over just how weak a person can be- that damon pales in comparison. damon looks like a caring, sweetheart actually... and that thought scares me.
but anyway.... whew- that turned into a rather unexpected spew of venom. that guy really pisses me off- but i am glad he is gone & will never have the balls to face me again. at least i need never deal with him in the future. he may as well really swallow poison- because he's dead to me.
on the BRIGHTER SIDE OF THINGS.... my family, having finally accepted the fact that i will most likely never be getting married has finally handed over my share of the family jewels. as i type this i am blinded by the awe inspiring sparkle of a 2 carat emerald cut diamond & platinum ring.... a little trinket from great auntie anne's first of several marriages. i've never actually been one of those girls that was like 'i won't get married unless i get a $80k engagement ring that hurts my wrist it is so heavy'...... but i have to say,...it's amazing how a big ol gorgeous rock of harry winston on one's hand can brighten your mood! hell, i could care less about the husband at this point.... and looking back on the past year it isn't as though any guy i have encountered has treated me as civilly as this fucking ring, it just sits on my finger. it won't ditch me for a stupid whore or over weight scene pig who likes having speed snorted off her tits & has shitty goth hair. it won't lie to my face time & time again, it won't treat me like shit. it will just look nice & keep quiet. i think maybe i have found my mate at last. that it is an inanimate object surprises me a bit less than it probably should. but i've never been a big fan of people.... and looking around, is it any wonder???
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
i remember spotting you during a gala at the moma. you looked like you were a 100- but you must have only been in your late 80's. i nagged auntie evelyn until she introduced you. you said hello & winked... my heart fluttered like a teeny bopper at a beatles concert,, what i remember most is that you had the softest hands i have ever touched in my life.
goodbye dear sweet man. the next time i pass a building of yours i will be sure to plant a kiss onto its facade-just for you.
Sunday, January 23, 2005
though lightness has tempered the dark that weighs in my heart, when the time comes & they cut it out of my chest, it will not be so heavy as to tip the scales.
& so into my palm, i will grasp at last, a ticket to gain entrance upon the barge named both heaven & hell. they are but one & the same & no place for the dead.
i'm not your normal girl- but i am wrapped in an utterly normal package- somewhat deceivingly i suppose & it has made finding true closeness rather difficult. (i seem to be always lacking something for someone)
i leave a trail of disappointment behind me no matter what i try to do, no matter what i say, no matter what the thought process is behind my actions.
i find myself rebuilding my life more often than most people go on vacation.
i'd like to think i have multiple personalities & that 'vicky (who is also a notorious shopper) likes to take over & purposely reap havoc in my life & then discretely vacate the premises leaving me to wake up in the morning & wonder 'how did i end up dating this loser...... & where did all of those shoes come from????'
unfortunately, even though i have a knack for talking to myself in any number of accents, i am the only one residing at the cul de sac la heather (which if translated means 'bottom of the bag heather'... rather telling i think.) & therefore my plethora of asinine mistakes, fuck-ups & foibles can only be blamed on me, me, me & me... and all in the singular.
the funny thing is- though prone to bouts of depression & regular fits of uncontrolled crying- not to mention a flare for the dramatic- which gets me in more trouble than anything.... when all is said & done i'm actually quite happy in a somewhat surreal, misguided, 'heather's little world', dreamlike sort of way.
i don't know how to explain it really. maybe it's just that after being punched in the stomach at every turn, you form muscles in your belly (oh if only they would concentrate on my ass & thighs!) that wouldn't be there if you had spent your entire life on the tennis court & never ventured into the back alley boxing ring where souls are lost but a life is lived that encompasses the full gamut of good & bad, hot & cold & every emotion in between.
and when all is said & done, looking back on the carnage of my past & ahead with nothing but fear to bolster my excitement for the coming day.... there is a sort of calm & acceptance for that which is & always will be ME. i know what i am, & i know that it will most likely separate me always from most of the world but i wouldn't change anything- not the worst, not the best. i love with the deepest compassion. i hate with an unrelenting fury... neither rears its head without good reason & i do not dole out these emotions easily or offhandedly. not out of fear- out of respect for what they really encompass.
there is a quiet happiness that comes with this- from knowing that i felt the extremely good only because i have known the extremely bad. purity nor decrepit immorality alone holds an interest for me.
Saturday, January 22, 2005
the couture vendeuse at the house of worth has insisted on a 3 month engagement to allow for marie's fine hand construction... so we must wait with abated breath.
the wedding will be in april- when marie & her two other sisters will be 'given away' by their father, charles frederick worth, for a dowery of $6700.00 each.
oh how i love thee marie. we will be buried side by side.
i could never be one of those girls who covet gwen steffani 'whore satchels'...but i hear they are VERY popular in trailor parks & 2nd rate strip clubs.
Monday, January 17, 2005
who knows if i would even still know you. would i think of you? yes, you never forget your first love... but we were young & the likely hood of it remaining a love that could withstand adult life is highly unlikely. i for one am a completely different person from who you knew & i would hope, were you still alive, that the young boy i loved dearly, would have grown into a man who bore little resemblance to you on jan 17th, 1988.
regardless... you ruined me that night. for that i can never forgive you. in 30 seconds you took my entire life to come & demolished every facet of it. i have spent everyday since that night on my hands & knees picking up the shards, trying to find even a few pieces that made sense & fit together... and all i have ended up with are bloody fingers, cut knees and a few miserable, failed attempts at letting someone else try to make me happy.
there is no such thing. just men like you.
goodnight to you all.
new yorkers on the other hand see it as their god given right to be voyeurs. it's almost a brother hood that brings us all together if you will.... that universal agreement that i may never speak a word to you on the street or see you in person but that i will watch your life & know it in all it's gory detail from the comfort of my living room, kitchen, bathroom or office window... or simply by passing on the street below. and because of this pact new yorkers leave their windows & their private lives deliciously unprotected & all that is required to change the channel is to turn your head 4 degrees & look into the next apartment.
the things that i have seen could keep me in business doing the cocktail party circuit for years- so many odd, hilarious, confusing, scary tales from the window's ledge. new york was my town. i knew it top to bottom. from the rooftops to the abandoned subway tunnels, from the bridges to the back alleys. the best night time gardens in brooklyn heights, the prettiest town homes on madison ave, the best skating spots under the bridge & prison & when you could hang out there & not get chased away by the cops. want to play with chickens at 3 am? they won't be happy about it- but i know where you can find them..... & when we do... just watch the windows light up. it's amazing what people will toss out the window in an effort to get their point across.
people always talk about new york being this cold, emotionless city- where nobody talks to anyone or looks them in the eye except to tell them to hurry the fuck up. i never understood that. if anything it's the tourists who prove a nuisance- pumped up with attitude to try & 'blend.'
of course every place has it's assholes- but i have never lived in another place where i knew all my shop keepers & locals, where you could go to an afternoon movie alone & walk out with two knew life long friends: who's ages spanned 65 years. nowhere else have i seen a 1000 people cram shoulder to shoulder into bryant park on a hot summer night- sharing blankets, beverages, baby diapers anything you needed because once you were in- there was no getting out it was so packed... and why? not for some snooty fashion show or because there was a catastrophe on the street... but for a viewing of 'the wizard of oz.'
to this day i can't watch that film without smirking when the scarecrow- still hung up on his pole in the corn field declares 'i go both ways' & i think back to a city block area of new york piled high with people who all burst into laughter at the homo-erotic implications of such a statement. you just don't get that sort of camaraderie while watching it at home with your mom & dad.
i miss new york. i miss the people who make no excuses for what they are & therefore feel no need to try & be something they are not. i miss the honesty. i miss the realness. i miss walking down the street & knowing there is a good chance i will see something i will never forget.
Sunday, January 16, 2005
i woke before the sun today. and despite the booming voice in my head that kept screaming 'don't get out of the bed! don't get out of the bed!' i did & found myself slinking through the darkness & rain like a night ambush in the boonies just inland of nha trang beach. the perimeter, usually patrolled by a cavalry of local cats, was desolate.... my comrades still at their posts in the killing fields- systematically wiping out entire generations of educated vermin. 13 klicks from base camp, i found myself alone- feeling my way through the minefield without a light. instinct, not phuoc long got me to my destination. 100,000 slugs reinforced with a battalion of heavily armored snails & 50 cal. earthworms came at me from every direction. unable to hold the line on my own i had to break bush & take cover in the sanctuary of the street: 38º 35' lat, 121º 30' long.
Friday, January 14, 2005
maybe it is best this way anyway. imaginary men are always so much nicer. jesus i sound like i'm in the 4th grade. i'm so lame.
Saturday, January 08, 2005
i spent the entire day working- albeit at home & in my underwear- but as is usually the case- i managed to get more work done in 7 hours at home than i did during an entire week in my office with morons interrupting me all day. my project was more tedious than brain wave consuming so i was able to carry on numerous 'thought provoking' conversations with myself, a brief elliot smith concert & a phone call with my father: a man who derives an inordinate amount of pleasure when climates unaccustomed to 'weather' get their share of the misery. thank god it snowed in LA county today... because it afforded my father the chance to feel the sort of happiness he will never experience from seeing his middle daughter get married. and just to give you an insight to the family dynamic of the hannold empire: we covered the entire west coast's weather conditions BEFORE he mentioned that my mother had just called him in tears because she had almost been in a head on collision.... that conversation quickly & rather unceremoniously segued into the fact that he had shipped my xmas presents & they should be arriving today... provided the weather didn't hold things up (it did- oh how i long for my panini grill!!!!)
i wrapped up my work & took a ridiculously long, hot bath while listening to jesse malin croon in the living room. it made me somewhat nostalgic-but in a good way. i've had a fun life. miserable at times, yes, but when i take a few minutes to just think instead of whine i realize i have nothing to complain about. and my complaints are nothing more than the residue of making really stupid choices- for which i have no one to blame but myself.
i sat perched on the bathroom sink for awhile & stared at myself in the mirror- my feet resting in the basin. it's odd how i don't really know what i look like even though i have seen 1000's of photos taken of myself. i don't understand my face or my body, they are just pieces not a whole. i just looked for awhile, made faces, thought about griffen dying, my next move, what i wanted for dinner,.. just stared until my eyes couldn't focus & thought about the state of things. when jesse's voice faded & the bathroom became dark as the sun went down i got dressed & went for a walk in the rain. as i walked i practiced leaving phone messages (a HUGE phobia of mine) on my sister's voicemail. there is one about 4 mintues long in which i forget what i'm saying 3 different times, do an almost dead on marlon brando impersonation from apocalypse now, sing her a little johnny thunders & almost start to cry.... it may be one of my best 'public' appearances yet & will most definately be a keeper.
i just got home, ate enough mexican food for a small family & talked to my sister on the phone for real. she's harder to get ahold of than keith richards i swear.... but,,,she gave me a standing ovation for the phone message so it was worth the wait. dr. strangelove is on the teley. this night is about to come to a close for me i think - the profusion of mushroom clouds choreographed to 'we'll meet again' seems as good a cap to the day as anything. i will go to sleep smiling- knowing that in the end none of it really matters. i pick my memories, the rest just fades to grey.
Thursday, January 06, 2005
so, ahhh, ok, well anyway, my real name is heather. i'm 33 years old. funny, brilliant, attractive, talented & a complete & total pathetic LOSER. as i look around i see there are a lot of "fucked over", "treated like meat" & "i was just a dumb whore"s out there. i'd like to say hello, i am one of you now. and the regret & sadness i feel is sickening.
the worst part is: i am beginning to see a pattern forming in my life. that's not to say it has been one miserable day of interaction after another. hardly the case. i dated johnny depp for christ's sake & he treated me like a fucking PRINCESS. the truth is, of the few people i've spent any amount of time with- i have more or less enjoyed myself without incident up until the cataclysmic end where i suddenly get tossed aside for girls who at the apex of their life will never be half the woman i am at my worst.
in many respects i have no one to blame but myself. and trust me... i punish myself heavily. i haven't been deceived in their character. i knew exactly the caliber animal i was letting in to feed. and even though, in each instance my gut instinct told me 'you are wasting your time, this will end badly', i have found myself opening the door & saying 'well, he's better than another corporate lawyer... at least we can talk & relate to each other'
but it has consistently ended the same & to be pushed to the back burner to make room for trash is offensive enough. what brings me here tonight, to this room full of scrap "perfect vagina" is something that leaves a far more bitter taste in my mouth. i have been cast aside for a socially & emotionally inept, manipulative life ruiner. all without so much as a single, solitary word from a person i believed to be my friend until a week ago & who quite honestly is capable of being a far better person than any i have met in years.
even demon, a man i don't regard as human, made an effort to be civil when he ditched me for a moronic whitetrash whore. and though misguided as his attempts were, he spoke to me & tried to make me feel better instead of leaving me for dead- to feel as though i didn't exist or matter at all.
and so, i am going to walk out of this room tonight & i am going to crumble this bullshit name tag into a ball & throw it in the trash where i landed 7 days ago. and i will never trust another human being again who is so weak they throw away the best thing currently in their life in exchange for the worst mistake they were ever doomed to repeat again & again.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
1988. it was a year to forget. it was a year for dying & nobody wanted to miss out on it.
i've had a pretty rough time sleeping lately. lots going through my mind. there is so much i wish i could forget. i need the heaviness to go away. i wish i knew how . i hate this month. it feels like it should kill me but it never does- year after year- i find myself still here: alone & foresaken just as planned. i've been dead twice & that didn't kill me. it makes me wonder what will drop me in the end. i wish i knew the secrets.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
if you don't believe that,
it's because you're too busy singing the
song of the coldhearted loser
to listen to what i say.
what separates you from me
is that every day of my life,
every second of each dreadful hour
is spent trying to make my miserable existence better
instead of excuses for why i have given up on a life i've never really lived.
i want to be a decent, feeling, caring person.
maybe it comes naturally for most
but for me it is a non-stop battle to NOT be a piece of fucking shit.
i try so hard to be a good person
even when all i want to do is kill & scream & hate
with everything that holds my seething fury deep inside.
in the past few years i have finally said goodbye.
goodbye to the empty, emotionless animal i was for so long.
i will never be proud of what i was.
i had EVERYTHING & i was NOTHING.
but i accept that & keep it just under the surface
as an example of the hero i NEVER WANT TO BE AGAIN.
i do have a choice.
we all do... at some point.
i'm finally someone
who doesn't make me want to puke with every other breath
i'm finally someone
who doesn't deserve that bullet in the fucking head
but i've put that bullet in the gun
who knows the number of times before,
& i will carry that nameless, faceless list with me always.
never fully knowing the harm i've caused
because i couldn't look back.
Monday, January 03, 2005
i talked to a buddy down south last night concerning a project we discussed over my bullshit xmas vacation- the only pleasurable 2 hours to be had all week. he's pushing for me to move south sooner rather than later (or never which is what i have been pushing for.) for some reason LA doesn't really hold much allure- which i don't understand since i love visiting LA...but something about picking up, heading south & declaring 'i am going to be one of you now' makes me a bit nervous (especially since i've never had much luck being part of anything). however, after much debate he made a good point- am i so happy now that moving to a new exciting city where i will be surrounded by interesting, creative people i have known since i was 13 & who actually give a shit about me- would taht be a step down from what i've got going now??? i had to laugh at that one & sheepishly admit that 'no, it probably wouldn't suck & i probably would have a better chance of marrying benecio if we were neighbors huh?'
i mean i guess i've always known in the back of my head that i would end up there eventually for work. i guess i was just holding out for that creative director position to reveal itself in sf enabling me to eat AND stay out of lala. didn't happen. in fact, things have just deteriorated into shit since the day i stepped foot in northern california. 2 years ago i was a fucking vice president/assoc creative director of an agency & got to sit in an office listening to johnny thunders & wear dirty t-shirts to work. it ruled. ..... today, i don't even know what the fuck i do... except SUCK & trudge through the rain on a daily basis.
so tonight i begin the horrors of relocation once again. this won't happen over night. i still have to find gainful employment which is a nightmarish project in itself. i need to put together a book, just looking for a job is a huge pain in the ass. but, it beats wasting away in sac for another 5 years alone i guess. whatever, i need to go to the bank & then the drug store.... i have the worst imaginable cramps ever. god what i would give for a day of nothing sucking & a nice backrub.05
Saturday, January 01, 2005
it amazes me that teenagers can find the utmost humor in practically anything- so long as it gives them the opportunity to laugh uproariously & bring every eye in a 120 foot radius on them. the better to show off their forever 21 ensembles that say 'when i grow up i want to be a 2-bit whore & date a guy who treats me like shit' i suppose- but still, i listened to them & didn't even find myself cracking a smile at how stupid they were. in fact, i just kept waiting for them to get to the FUCKING POINT of what it was that they were jabbering about... but it never came. it was just an endless stream of 'hella's,' 'oh my god's,' & 'shut ups'. i make no joke. for 35 seconds the only words said between the two of them were 'shut up'.. just back & forth over & over again. never has the urge to bash two heads together while yelling 'YES, SHUT THE FUCK UP!' been so strong.
of course i suppose it beats listening to the moronic banter of idiot girls who fancy themselves intellects & poets (oh the horrors). that proves embarrassing for everyone... but god knows there are those out there that still find them 'fascinating creatures' at least for a night or two. which is more than i can say considering the last guy that showed interest in me was a married man for whom i used to babysit.
happy new year fucking losers... just holding my breath for the tsunami that ends it all because i can't think of a single reason to reach out for the floating bits of debris that constitute my life.
well, i finally made it home. the return trip was fairly uneventful compared to my flight home- though the first flight (buf-ohare) left an hour late & had no heat on the plane + they forgot to load blankets?!?!?!? wtf) they managed to deliver my luggage about an hour before i had to drive back to the airport whence it came from. basically the whole deal was one big cluster fuck. the people at united are fuckers too. generally speaking i am pretty laid back & it takes a LOT for me to lose it on total strangers-especially those who are not directly responsible for my problems. i was totally calm when they canceled 2 of my 3 flights, when they said i had to spend the night in washington d.c. & no they wouldn't pay for a hotel, etc, etc. etc. however, after 4 days of spending most of my waking hours on the telephone listening to a rather spirited rendition of gershwin's 'rhapsody in blue' while on hold- you can only remain so polite. but even after having finally gotten ahold of humans on 3 different occasions, with 3 different stories & 3 different promises to call me back: all of which came to nothing i was still reasonably calm. it was on my last day when not one but two different women at united flat out told me they wouldn't help me because it wasn't 'their job' that all traces of refinement slid from my body to the floor & i lit into them both with a week's worth of hatred & venom that had both my parents sitting on the sofa of the 2nd floor tv room slack jawed & slightly scared looking (& undoubtedly a bit relieved that it wasn't being directed at them)
i managed to keep a pretty low profile while at home- easy enough to do when one doesn't have anything to wear. i saw my old friend amy & her son oscar. was a bit nervous about the encounter because in past years amy has been sans meds & physically & mentally exhausting. i still needed only to nod & from time to time toss in a word or two- as amy is a conversation dominatrix, but over all, i was content to partake as little as possible & the visit went fine.
the following day i actually ventured out & met my friend steve for lunch. haven't seen him in years but he's one of those guys you can go forever without setting eyes on & pickup the conversation where you left off a decade ago. it was actually fun. he's a great source for all the dirt on the fallen cheerleaders of warren high... of which there are many. apparently if you didn't stick in town & get knocked up you moved away, became a junkie & did porn & pepperidge farm commercials.... only to move back to warren, get knocked up & get married. it rules.
fortunately both steve & i made it out alive (more or less) he still lives down in la, has recruited practically everyone we knew - so there is this strange colony of pennsylvania transplants controlling a small section of hollywood. he is still writing screenplays & working on his own masterpiece. apparently steve guttenberg still has a huge crush on me & our mutual friend chris has gotten weirder & weirder (shocker) to the point of everyone keeping tabs on his back yard to see if the soil has been disturbed.
after lunch we watched a really bizarre sort of street fight take place in the middle of pennsylvania ave. & then went to this antique store where i bought an old fire extinguisher & a ceramic pig head that is painted red & mounted on a plaque. it's demonically delightful.
got home to find myself pretty much right back where i was a week ago when i left. bored, longing & alone. not a fun combination. i'm sort of confused actually. well, actually not really confused. just more or less disappointed with myself for letting myself become excited about a situation i knew would culminate in disappointment. it just sort of sucks to look around & realize you don't really mean anything to any of the people you care about most. & yet i continuously find myself in this very same position so it does make me wonder if i simply seek out these situations. i guess that is the confusing part.
whatever, i have a sweater to exchange today & a cat to bathe & laundry to do.