Monday, December 27, 2004

a long day's journey into shite

i'm not sure what time it is, i am guessing around noon. i'm currently flying over the sierra's.. though considering my rather shoddy geographical retention that is nothing more than a guess too. there are mountainous like brown lumps below me... does it really matter which ones?
my morning began around 6:30- went to bed around 2... so i was getting off to a good start. as i got out of my $50 cab (mother fuckers) i was greeted by a very kind man who asked where i was going, i answered, he looked a bit taken back & said 'come inside dear, i will check'... he settled me in an empty 2.5 square feet & disappeared into the swarm. i never expected to see him again- but wasn't ready to move yet- so i just stood there for a few minutes... he returned, looking a bit sad & informed me that my flight was canceled but they were 'working on something' so he would check my bags. still in a bit of a daze & somewhat engrossed at the thought of what 'working on something' could possibly mean i handed over my bags without much thought.. only realizing i had handed off the all important carry on bag after he had disappeared deep into the throng. 'hmm, that's probably not a good thing at all' i said to myself... a little too loudly, but realizing there was nothing i could do about the situation i opted for coffee instead of worrying about the fact that a small, 85 year old man had just carted off my christmas presents, my jacket, gloves & hat & most importantly.. all of my toiletries & phone charger. (a clean heather is a gift for everyone)
whatever they were working on... worked. because my flight took off a mere 5 mintues after it's scheduled time & i only had to discuss the weather in pennsylvania twice with chatty passengers waiting for flights.
::
for the life of me i can't imagine why anyone would willingly become a flight attendant. a small panic has broken out in my section of the plane because several people can't get the audio on today's feature film 'a princess diary II'. when the day comes that it is my job to pander to such mid-flight disasters all while handing out gourmet party mix made 'especially for united air' while dressed in a poorly cut polyester pant set... that my friends is the day my brain meets its true love, the bullet that ends it all.
::
i think the thing i like best about travel is that it affords me the opportunity to eat alone. unfortunately, most of the dining options are less then stellar- but even so, i am given the chance to sit alone at a bar or dark corner table & read or write as i pick at my food. .. all while those around me either silently take pity on 'the poor girl alone' or wonder about the mysterious woman who isn't afraid to take a mid-day meal alone. of course, i must completely disregard the fact that i am living in the year 2004 & not an edith wharton novel. we live in a time where most of life's functions can be performed in solitude without anyone even raising an eye & i suppose it is rather egotistical to think that anyone even notices me period. but in edith's eyes i am a maverick. a true countess olenska daring to stoll through the met with cousin archer at HER invitation.
::
i have lost all feeling in my left arm & am quite sure i can't un-cross my legs anymore. which is probably for the best because i have to pee & the large man next to me is sound asleep & the woman next to him has spread out her 85 yards of 'ghastly' blanket she is knitting in a 10 foot radius. leaving my seat is not an option & apparently neither is having any sensation what so ever in my ass.
::
update on the movie- sound is apparently no longer an issue as i can hear julie andrews crooning at top volume without the aid of headphones, or an interperter to read lips. i love it when they alter the natural genre of a film simply because they got their hands on an actor who sings or dances. it's that shameless smack in the face with the marketing paddle that has really brought cinematic endeavors to a whole new level. just becuase you have miss sound of mucus herself doesn't mean a song is mandatory.... just as christopher walken doesn't really need to be tap dancing in the middle of drug lord movies.
::
if i fell out of the plane i wonder what would be left of my body when it touched down? obviously i would burst open... but would i splatter like a melon or just split at the seams & ooze a bit? would i break apart into pieces or simply come undone? (a question i face with each new day)
::
it amazes me how much land is untouched. seems like we could transfer some of those bridge & tunnel losers out of new york, all the tree huggers in california, the south & a good portion of new england & deposit them down there where they can't bug anyone... the midwest is really not much different than what i am looking at & who wants to go there anyway- so they can stay put. on the other hand, maybe it would just be easier for me to say 'i'll get off here' & disappear forever.... but then again, i wonder if i could get delivery??
at any rate, should i decide to try out the free fall.. sac to chicago is not the route to take. if a body falls from the sky in utter desolation: does it explode or simply quiver like canned cranberries? no one would ever see my demise & therefore no one would ever know & therein lies the tragedy of a perfectly good human cannonball. i'm sure something would benefit from my arrival.. as all the woodland creatures line up for the new buffet that just opened up in town. 'i hear the heart is served a bit too chilled for most's taste, but the rack of rib is divine.'
::
i was planning to knit on my flight. or rather, my bosses, both avid knitters, forcebly insisted i board the plane prepared. they went as far as physically driving me to the yarn shop so i could acquire all necessary objects.
what we all failed to fully realize is that i don't really know how to knit... but the yarn was so pretty i couldn't resist. on my way home, while admiring my very chi-chi balls of 'french vogue' like wools i thought 'this isn't even remotely grandmother or ladies home journal-esque... this will be cool knitting'
ironically, 2 hours later (when i should have been packing) i found myself in the magazine aisle at the grocery store searching for anything that could teach me how to knit.
french vogue=0, ladies home journal=1.
proof i guess that no matter how much you dress something up, dumb it down, try to make it something it is not... in the end you're still stuck with string & two sticks. & most likely cool will in no way be attachable when you realize you suck at it.
at any rate.. with miss 'ringling brothers tent knitter' 2 seats down work space is minimal & i fear our color combinations would clash frightfully. secondly, in my 2.5 minutes of dealing with 'knitters' i have discovered they are all too willing to discuss, offer assistance & talk obsessively about their passion. rule number one in travel: avoid any activity that can attract conversation. rule number one in life: avoid any activity that can attract conversation with people who read ladies home journal.
that is in no way meant to be desparaging towards the craftier forms of art- some of which most definately fall into the realm of fine art with the right resources & hands. it's just that i don't want to disect the nuances of each stictch, each stroke or of every snap of the camera shutter.
i'm a firm believer that those who talk about their trade incessantly are often the ones who have the least to show for their endeavors. the quinticential 'art school girls' who have dedicated their creative 'passions' to avant garde footwear & artfully plagarized outlooks on life & society... but when it comes to anything of substance... there isn't much to think about that you didn't learn in 9th grade.
only simpletons can find peace for that 'creative burning' (their words not mine) at the shopping mall. the rest of us must simply muddle through life in socks that don't somehow express our deep seated feelings of being misunderstood & the mental unrest that comes with being at odds with the world. oh, woe is me! to have seen what i have seen, see what i see! blah, blah, blah.
::
it appears that i am spending the night in dulles international airport tonight. they just made me literally RUN from one terminal to another... (i don't run) in the freezing cold.. only so i could see the last flight to pittsburg (not my destination) take off. 3 hours in customer service, a 25 min wait outside for a cab- sans coat, gloves or hat.. because who knows WHERE those are, and i find myself sitting alone in a hotel room, starved- but nothing is open & so all i have are those orange crackers & distilled water. (i iron with this stuff... i had no idea it was a beverage???) i do however have a huge mirror at the end of my bed & couldn't really turn down the opportunity to jump up & down on the mattress in my polka dot undies & pink leg warmers. all things considered with this fucking day.... i looked pretty good in my 5 min soft porn cheerleader stint... but the novelty wore off, i thought of a boy who would have made it much more fun & sank down into the covers to sleep.
of course, it's that was an hour ago- 2am to be exact & here i sit, still thinking of the boy & completely unable to sleep because this has been such a fucking awful 24 hours... & who knows when it will actually end. i'm 12 hours from my parents, i stood in line watching flight after flight flip to 'canceled' & i don't even have my own toothbrush. this can not possibly end well.
::
it didn't.

Saturday, December 25, 2004

i finally made it

a mere 24 hours late. got stranded in washington dc last night.
i'm freezing, i'm depressed, i'm lonely, my luggage is somewhere between chicago, pittsburg, wash dc & buffalo ny. they don't quite no at the moment. i feel like i have no one in the world to even talk to. actually, i don't even know if i do. i can't even think right now. i am so tired & mentally bummed i feel like i could die.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

anti- julia moment

i decided to add a side dish to my dinner tonight since it was bordering on cocktail party fare & i have a bowl of yams that need to be eaten. so i put them on to cook & busied myself with a rather extensive list of things i must take care of before i fly east for xmas.
it was around 'household chores' that i noticed a semi-sweet odor & wondered what neighbor was cooking.
at 'things i need to buy for my trip' i began to wonder what they could possibly be making- such an odd smell...
it wasn't until i was trying to guess brandon's measurements that i was like 'what the fuck are they burning?!?!".....
& then i noticed a thin cloud of smoke rolling over my head as i sat at my desk....

it was me creating that myriad of sweet, pungent, root vegetable gone awry odors. i ran to the kitchen, peered into my rather pricey pot & discovered 2 fat yams no longer submerged in water but burned to the bottom of the pot in a thick, black, sticky mess. they were bursting out of their skin & looked rather sad to have met such an unnecessary death.
the pan will come clean- but i don't know if i will ever be rid of this heavy, burnt yammy aroma.

b- tell me what size pants you wear... i want that ass to look professional when i come home.

Monday, December 20, 2004

view master

i got my view master today!!!! it's a 1946 model i think- complete with 31 disks ranging from marine land to the hoover dam to mother goose ryhmes. plus i still have tons from when i was a kid- i can't wait to look at hansel & gretyl and the arisocats again! damn! you would never guess i was a 33 year old woman! i actually squeeled audibly when i walked up to my door & found it on my doorstep. i'm a view master junkie. i'm such a fag that i had to turn on my light table & look at them over it so i could get good lighting. weeeee!!!! i love'em all.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

exercises in futility: a glimpse into the daily life of heather

i needed to go to toys r us today. against all rational thought- i opted to ride my bike.

4 hours later:
bike trashed.
throbbing knee that met with semi-moving bumper of suv (separate incident from bike getting trashed)
permafrost has set into my lungs, ass & nose from spending the entire afternoon outside in the cold, mist & fog

i never stepped foot into toys r us thus making my entire day a futile waste of time & what will most likely prove to be an expensive afternoon by the time i get my bike & body back in order.

i keep thinking i may cry- but nothing comes.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

dead sleep in a tub of cold water

i woke up with the thought that i would phase out the world & force upon myself a productive day.
i fed the cat. i bought an airline ticket to nowhere. i learned how to play 'knockin on heavens door' by tapping my fingers on different sections of my desk as i cooled my buring face on the cold steel... and then i took a bath.it was meant to be the instigator to bigger & better things for the day to come... but instead i fell asleep submerged up to my chin, one leg dangling over the side like a murder victim. i woke an hour & a 1/2 or so later & realized that this was probably as good as it's going to get. i half heartedly toweled off my shriveled body & am preparing to retire to my sofa where i don't expect to move for the next 48 hours except to change the music.

all a girl really needs is a ceiling to stare at & a well thought out soundtrack of music for the life worth living that resides inside her head & nowhere else.

Friday, December 03, 2004

yesterday is just like today & tomorrow will never end.

i had a bit of a revelation last night. i’m a fucking dumbass.

a dumbass who apparently not only never learns, but one who seems to seek out situations where the only possible outcome is disappointment.

a quick glance over the last year’s endeavors is more than enough proof that i have fallen into a fatalistic rut of wanting what i can’t have from people that are only partially what they claim to be- while at the same time proving repeatedly that they are exactly what they say they are- wearing the badge of the emotionally dead & the conscienceless with honor.

i put too much faith in potential. the good, the possibilities.
the person i know is buried inside- maybe lost long ago.
glossing over the inconsistencies, the half truths & gut feelings that tell me- this will end with heartbreak because everything you have ever wanted always does.

but you can’t love potential. you can’t waste your life waiting for the world to pull its collective head out its ass & do the right thing-just once. you will waste your life caring about people who will only trade you in the second something easier & flashier comes along- or worse yet, never really give you a chance because they have wrapped themselves so tightly in a blanket of self pity & loathing that they will never let themselves feel any other emotion to its full capacity.

jaded seems to be the next big fashion statement. & it’s one cape i’m too intelligent, persistent & willful to wear.
it may mean i too will end up alone & miserable - but at least i won’t be alone & miserable because i gave up & couldn’t be bothered to strive for something real, something better, something i didn’t have to be embarrassed about when the lights come on the next morning. if i die alone, i accept that- but it will never be because i was weak or afraid.

i need to start seeing things as they really are, people for what they are willing to put forth, not what they are capable of being. i need to start being realistic again. not a stupid teenage girl.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

if young, silly girls wrote less 'poetry.'

i think the world would be a better place

there are very few beings in the history of this watery ball
who are truly deep, prophetic and meaningful...
and they are always the ones who have never thought once
of being deep, prophetic or meaningful.

if for even a second you feel that what you have to say
is something profound or enlightening, or has pertinence to anyone other than yourself:
put down the pencil, turn off the computer, fold up your soap box
& do the world a true intellectual justice...

with your silence.

no need to ask, even less reason to speak.

sometimes i have nothing to say.
other times i just know when to keep my mouth shut & hope for the best...
even as i watch it turn & walk out the door

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

splendorific barf-o-rama

i really should have reconsidered my breakfast this morning. i've been picking at a piece of chocolate cake from yesterday... & while it tastes pretty good, i think the 4" of chocolate ganache may have been a bit much this early & on an empty stomach.
i feel as though i may never stop vomiting... and as proof that i am not just being dramatic.... i just sneezed & i swear i thought i was going to horf all over my monitors.

how's that for a hot image?

my office is tundra like. i have this big sky light above me- which was cool over the summer because the pigeons like to climb all over it & look down at me & i always had these weird bird shadows all around me & the scratching of little bird feet... during the winter however- not so great. my fingers are so cold they hurt & i think i have pulled muscles just from being so tense & hunched up trying to stay warm. i really thought california winters were all about bikinis & high heels. this has been such a disappointment.