Saturday, November 27, 2004

i'm under no obligation to be NICE or HAPPY.

lately i haven't really been in a good state of mind to deal with people. i try, but most often they are like the unwanted pet an ex-boyfriend leaves on your pillow in a pathetic, clueless attempt to make-up for screwing someone else. instead of healing the wounds you are left with a creature that not only needs food, shelter & attention, but is a constant reminder, even long after the bf has vacated- of how given time, people will always disappoint you.
as a result, i lead a rather nondescript life these days. i work as much as i can–even though i really don't like my current job- but it keeps my mind occupied & that is essential. an idle heather is a heather that deteriorates quickly. i know this & rather than wallow in the 'misery that is me' like some whiney teenage girl that has read too much sylvia plath, i do what i can to make things better, even if, in the end,,, there really is no distinction.
i have no tolerance for ignorance, laziness, people who are incapable of taking responsibility for their own actions & the emotionally dead. add to that: shallowness, and people with an attitude that the world owes them something... especially since more often than not- those are the people who have done nothing but TAKE from the world all their lives & never even think to give anything in return. i also, DESPISE artificial cuteness in adults & children: we're not riding on the good ship lollipop people- so shove it up your ass.
i've been through one hellish war after another... and yet, i get up in the morning, i go to work, i don't feel it is my god given right to fuck over every person that crosses my path- for sport. i don't let people take advantage of me mentally, emotionally or sexually in a confused, delusional attempt to win their admiration. i don't make promises i can't keep much less ones i have no intension of ever following through with. and like every other human in the world... i have had moments of being guilty of all of the above. but i am not afraid to admit when i have fucked up & i do what i can to make things right even if it concerns people i loathe & despise with all my heart.
i don't believe in god but i do believe there is some natural order to things: the universe isn't random & hap-hazard- there is always order to the chaos: it is just a matter of looking at it from the right distance- either close up or far away. i believe in PHI: the divine proportion- a mathematical ratio of which everything in the universe is based upon. i believe in deterministic chaos & entanglement physics. i believe that somewhere it all stems from a single pinpoint in time & space- everything in the universe IS connected. freud once described the neurotic mind as a "jurassic landscape".. a window into the beginnings of time & man. it's a perfect description of the macro-quantal events in the human brain that we all possess. however, i believe CULTURE as well as NATURE is responsible for true evolution: a path mankind seems to stumble off from time to time- because i look around & i am surrounded by uncaring, self-absorbed, self-aggrandizing, ANIMALS who have built a life around talk instead of experience because they fear failure. everyday, when i wake up all i want is to scream 'take a look around people... THIS IS TRUE FAILURE & the pain is the sort that you don't feel until it is too late- as you look back & realize you traded in your entire life for something that wasn't real rather than risk the pain & agony for that which is.'

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

the beginning of the end is near

well it is official, the votes are in & i have to say- it was a landslide. i have called every female i know & there is no way i can deny it any longer.
i am officially 'almost' middle aged.

on sunday, at 1:15 pm, i turn 33 years old.

and before you roll your eyes & say 'oh that isn't middle aged' .....

i am currently sitting in my living room completely naked except for a $500 pair of high heels & a down blanket wrapped around my torso like a toga. i have spent the entire evening pacing back and forth my apartment & then tossing myself dramatically into my sofa- languishing in the fluttering down feathers as i try to figure out my life.

i ate a piece of cake & i'm drinking a guinness- not because i WANT it... because i was too disgruntled & beat after work to go to the grocery store & have NOTHING ELSE TO DRINK.

i watched 2 episodes of sex in the city- because i needed to drown out the music coming from down stairs.... and all i gained from that experience was that i should probably get a few more down comforters because this may be as good as it gets & even in my deepest of depressions i like a change of clothing.

i think i am going to stop this now before i get bitchy.

Monday, November 15, 2004

when i grow up i want to die

this morning as i completed my obsessive compulsive morning rituals i laughed to myself as i thought 'jesus sometimes i'm such a fucking adult. next thing you know i'll be buying plaid dog beds from L.L. bean for my golden retriever'

i didn't give it much more thought & left for work.

but i think it has been festering.

this day has been one bullshit episode after another- nothing detrimental to my way of life- but none the less aggravating. just once, i would like it if everything wasn't a monumental ordeal- why does taking out the trash involve 15 extra steps, 20 min on the phone & 6 forms filled out in triplicate?

i'm so ready to just give up on everything.

i turn 33 at the end of the month. i think it is weighing heavily in my mind. i've lost pretty much everything i ever cared about- a couple times actually.. but i muddle through it- telling myself 'it has to get better eventually,,, it can't get any worse'
it's the mantra for those who have nothing left to cling too -yet are too lazy to elucidate it in anything more than meaningless hallmarkesque quips.

and while maybe it never gets truly horrible- not like the old days anyway- i keep waiting for something to really work out & it doesn't seem like that is in the plan.

i'm tired of waiting. i want to know- will i ever actually wrap my fingers around something & not have it ripped from them 5 minutes later? it doesn't seem possible, and the older i get the less i have hope.

hope is for 'fascinating' 21 year olds with pierced lips & the attention span of a cocker spaniel.
hope is for those who have nothing heavier upon their shoulders than a new haircut and avant garde bangs.

i'm not that person anymore. i don't think i ever have been.
hope ended long ago & the fascination went with it.

the very thought that made me laugh just 14 hours ago now just makes me cry.
when i grow up, i want to die.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

getting ready for a life of righthanded crime

i just grabbed onto a pan handle that had been in a 450 degree oven. the fingerprints are almost entirely gone on my right hand... it's just a shiny vibrant purply red mitt with 5 fingers that can 'sort of' wiggle. i keep swaying between 'hmm.. that feels so bad it feels sort of good' to nearly vomiting everytime i breathe too deeply & it somehow strains the muscles & skin on my throbbing hand.
but up until 10 minutes ago it had been a good day....

.... i went to the 57th st antique mall finally. i ride by it every week & think 'i should see what they have' & finally after like a year... i crossed the street & actually went in. a lot of the typical crapola- but i did find several things i intend to go back & get... riding on a bike limits what can actually be purchased.
today's bounty (soon to be anyway)

2 1950's school room globes
1 u.s. military projector from wwII
several ice pick prong thingys that were very sharp (i know this because while no one was looking i put a point to my skull...very sharp indeed)
1 stuffed beaver & an assortment of pelts
1 chromed drill bit thingy that weighed about 30 pounds
an assortment of russell wright dishes
an assortment of linens from the 50's
1 50's sugar bowl shaped like an apple (my only purchase)
a bunch of bakelite mah jong tiles from the 40's
35 vintage assorted tubes of lipstick
1 deco vanity
4 red extremely 'weathered' steel english garden chairs from the 30's
1 turkish bayonet from 1903
1 wwII german helmet
1 old 8mm projector
some small artillery shells from wwII
a bunch of gauges, meters, tools & assorted 'mechanical things' - i have no clue what they do but that has never stopped me before

all in all it was pretty cool. not a place i want to go to every week- but certainly worth a trip once a month.