Wednesday, October 27, 2004

scent of loneliness part:II

when i crawl into bed i find myself clasping my elbows in my hands as i nuzzle my nose into my shoulders, inhaling deeply & slipping away from an empty life into the loving embrace of someone that doesn't exist. it is the scent of loneliness but it is the only thing that is real. and it is the only constant some of us will ever know.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

sing me to sleep

don't try to wake me in the morning, because I will be gone
there is another world,

there is a better world

i spent the whole day in bed. slipping in & out of a surreal lethargy far more beautiful (& terrifying) than anything i have ever known in a conscious state.

i slept on a carpet of moss in my old factory, floated on my back in the huge beaux arts pool- staring up at the vaulted stone ceiling -the water glowing around me, wandered through a garden of discarded sinks & tubs covered with rust, plant life & time, ran through dark hallways in my barefeet- able to feel the grain of the wood on my toes- every sense was heightened so. i stared into a puddle of water in a dark stone alcove & watched an explosion of fractals & color crystalize & collapse over & over, i could taste the colors but they were always just out of reach & when my fingertips touched the puddle- bones in my body would be crushed but i didn't care, i just kept poking.
and then i was in a dirty mosaic tile hallway with a huge bronze chandelier. i was laying on a big morgue table but my upper torso, from my arm pits up was cut off & had spider like steel legs crawling over the rest of the table performing some sort of operation on my body which was cut completely open & pulled apart with rusty metal claws. old machinery ticked & whirred in the shadowed edges of the room as i dug deeper into my own body...elbow deep in my blood & guts- looking for something. i don't know what.

i don't know how to describe all that happened after that..

it was just strange. i'm tired. i need to go back to bed. i just wish it wasn't alone.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

blah, blah, blah

it's one of those days. not even sure what it is that has me feeling this way... general melancholia has pricked my skin again i guess. i need to escape.
last night was a myriad of insanely beautiful & disturbing images. i haven't the words to even begin describing the sordid opera going on inside me head... & i have a lot of words at my disposal. the senses are on hyper mode. i can smell everything- cut pine, wet leaves, yesterdays coffee cake in my trash, the ink on some fresh proofs downstairs, remnants of gain detergent on the t-shirt i have worn twice this week, i can feel my fingerprints on the keys of this gay computer,
i am going to kill the brats in my office if they don't stop bickering about the ethics of designing a logo.... oh to have a gun.

to have a gun......................

Monday, October 18, 2004

the three h's

i'm horny, hungry and have a headache. but that's just because it is monday & generally how i feel.
i actually have nothing at all to complain about.... i had a great weekend for once.... ate lots of food, played dress up & bought a prosthetic leg all while laughing almost constantly with a sweetpea of a boy/girl. it begs the question: who needs girl friends &/or boy friends when you can get the best of both in one person? i'm buying some mac eyeliner this week so next time we can whore it up like the pros. but for now i must deal with the drudgery of my work & ac that is on a tad to high. brrrr.. it is making my boobs hurt it is so cold in here.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

i'm so excited!!!! (it takes very little)

just got home from work- i was locking my bike up on the porch & i noticed all this rustling in the trees right next to me. i sort of poked around a little bit & found the cutest, fattest family of rats running around. they are so adorable- i love vermin more than i care about most people & these were some fiiiiiine specimens.
being that i am the next thing closest to snow white- they have taken to me immediately...& 3 are now sitting on the rail gorging themselves on chocolate pecan pie & sour dough bread with peanut butter (my neighborhood critters eat well)
god they are cute. so fat! they are like brown snowballs with long tails.
i wish i could make them indoor rats- but i suppose it is best not to pet them & whatnot- though i am sure i have touched much worse.

in no particular order:

• home made mac-n-chees, garlic mashed potatoes, braised brussels sprouts & a big glass of wine
• a long hot bath in a deep tub full of dead sea salts, eucalyptus & lemon verbana suds, a pile of 800 gram turkish cotton towels in a warming drawer & glenn gould playing bach off in some distant room
• full body massage
• a big soft bed with 600 count egyption cotton sateen sheets, a feather bed & duvet.
• eggs benedict and earl grey tea
• kisses
• no reason to get out of bed
• piles of french tulips, gerber daisies and peonies in totally plain, uncut, cylindrical crystal vases
• a pedicure & manicure
• someone to read to me
• a garden surrounded by high moroccan blue walls & a little fish pond with lily pads & creatures
• really big windows
• more reasons to wear dresses that swish when i walk
• huge canvases full of color & the smell of oil paint and old wood hanging in the air

Monday, October 11, 2004

i need

something to go right.

Saturday, October 09, 2004

can you say 296.42? (dsm-iv speak)

i'm so excited! i'm so depressed!! i'm so excited! i'm so depressed!! i'm so excited! i'm so depressed!!
well.......... what is it? god i am such a dork. such a mess. thrilled & excited one minute, crying like a baby the next. i think the last year has aged my face. i don't think people mistake me for a 22 year old anymore. it must be the bags under my eyes & all the nervous twitching.
for someone who is essentially a shut-in out cast... i seem to always have exciting (or exacerbating) 6 part play unfolding in my life. (& don't even get me going on the mini series that is continuously playing in my head!)
so anyway, looking forward to yet another blasé weekend alone at home... but i have plenty to keep myself busy- mentally & physically. monty is back home & recovering quite nicely. i think he was just taking advantage of 'deep sleep' nap time after his surgery when he wouldn't wake up. i told the doctor to crack open a can of cat food & he would most likely stir... but alas he woke on his own and by the following morning was more than ready to come home.
as we were riding down p street this dumb ass who was going like 40mph down 21st came to a tire screeching halt at the corner as i was crossing. it wasn't like he nearly hit me or anything- but he was obviously driving way too fucking fast & not paying attention & would have killed me if i hadn't already been mostly across the street. but i was like 'eh, whatever' & just sort of smiled & nodded at him like 'hello there... don't kill me'... but in a TOTALLY NICE, CHARMING little girl way... and the FUCKER SCREAMED at me 'FUCK YOU BITCH, RIDE SOMEWHERE ELSE'... (which basically makes no sense.. am i supposed to hover over street level or something???) i looked over my shoulder like wtf??? & gave him the finger as i continued on. and much to my surprise he stopped his car & totally started bitching me out at top volume from the window of his car.
generally i am a fairly sedate girl & deplore public scenes that make the streets sound like trailer parks- but this guy was just too fucking much & i was in sort of a pissy mood anyway... so psycho heather took over & wheeled her bike around right up to his window where she proceeded to stick her head completely into his window, yank him back against his seat with his seat belt restraint thingy over his shoulder & with a look of 'im going to fucking kill you now' scream into his face 'what's your fucking problem loser? is your yuppie bourgeois dick so small that you have to vilify complete strangers on the street for absolutely no rational reason in order to remind yourself that you are in fact a man? are you balls so fucking shriveled & tiny that you can't do it except from behind the security of the tinted windows in your economy class mercedes??? fuck you cocksucker (always a ladylike retort for public display... i could die!) don't you ever speak to me that way again or i will pull you from your poor man's luxury car & rip you to pieces with my teeth." i let go of the seat belt, moved his tie back into place & pulled my head from his window. he looked terrified & thoroughly confused. he muttered a really quiet 'i'm sorry, i didn't see you & you startled me- it was my fault i shouldn't have yelled', his girlfriend totally smacked him on the arm & called him an asshole & they drove away. monty never once stirred from his slumber.
i was so pissed off & mortified at my behavior that i couldn't eat anything & then the rest of the day at work starved to death.
but whatever, that was gay. i'm really just lucky he wasn't a demon-like guy who would have stepped out of his car & beat me until i was nothing but a bloody pile of flesh near the curb. the whole thing was stupid & considering i normally find such displays to be a job for the lower classes of 'civilized'
(snort) man i am rather ashamed at my outburst.... though, i must admit... now it totally makes me giggle. the absolute confusion on that man's face.. it was beautiful. i'm sure having some girl who looks like she just walked out of a kate spade ad totally go nuts on him was something he never expected & as a result was probably more scary than having some burly biker guy rough him up.... just goes to show you... DON'T MESS WITH GIRLS WHO WEAR SHOES THAT MATCH THEIR HANDBAG!!!!
so, that was my wily excitement for yesterday. i'm hoping to have a more sedentary weekend. in fact, as soon as i can muster the energy to go bathe & shave & all that fun stuff i am going shopping. do i have money for such frivolities??? not especially... but i did get a bonus check from work for being the 'apple of their eye(s)' (PUKE) & i have vowed that it will be spent on no one but myself for once.
in the past month i have had one pet die, i've had surgery & the whole nasty c-word ordeal, $1000's in vet & hospital bills, & i have had to finally say goodbye to the one person i care about most... and all of this i have had to do almost entirely on my own (the exception being a few immensely appreciated moments spent in discussion with really good people) all this time has been spent constantly thinking of others instead of myself & it has had serious side effects on my overall outlook. i deserve an afternoon of unadulterated ME time. i just wish that 'me' time didn't have to mean 'me' in the solitary sense- but i guess that is just how it was meant to be.
ME! ME! ME!... god that sounds so lonely... not nearly as deviously self-centered & fun as it is supposed to when used in jest.

Sunday, October 03, 2004

god i really am a crazy old lady


ahhh... i'm tired. it's been a long weekend. friday was horrible. when i got home i was supposed to be dead to the world until the next day... or so they promised. no such luck. my naturally nervous, jittery, high strung personality stayed in bed for about a half hour before i found myself scrubbing the bathroom, the refrigerator, grocery shopping... i came home & crumbled into bed a physical & mental mess. they said rest, don't move, have someone take care of you. i lied to them & said such a person existed. instead i cleaned parts of my apartment that have never seen the light of day trying to forget that i am so completely alone in this shitty life.
at any rate as a result of my inability to sit still for 5 minutes......... i don't recall much of friday night or saturday. i know i was awake at some point because a load of laundry was done & i think i threw away some bandages because when i got home they were on my counter & now they are gone????
today i walked the farmers market to get tomatoes & potatoes & then braved the sun & heat to drop off some papers. the heat was unbearable swathed in what amounts to a bullet proof bandage & support system holding my engorged boobies in & keeping them from sprouting a bloody gooey leak. can't wait until the doctor calls this week to tell me that they actually DO have to get sawed off & that this little stint was just a warm up.
so anyway, today i learned that the sac wildlife assoc has a program where you can take care of baby squirrels in your house. i'm thinking about doing it if they will let me with a cat (seems unlikely though)... blah blah blah.... i had to go back out today & while i was i decided to buy some new jeans. depression seems to have gone straight to my ass & squeezing it into a size 4 has become more than i can physically muster in the morning.
it was the shittiest afternoon i've had in days. standing in my poorly lit fitting room wrangling myself into 4000 different pairs of size 6 jeans- it's so confusing.... stretch, no stretch, long, regular, low- waist, extremely low waist..... basically what it amounts to is that they are all too fucking long- even in 4" heels (& i'm 5'8" for christ's sake!?!!?), my very tiny underwear are highly visible in all of them regardless of how XTREME the low waist is (it was then that i realized i am buying clothing marketed to a different generation) & regardless of stretch or no stretch... they gape where they should not gape & are like sausage casings in all the other spots....
and god forbid you ask one of the 25 year old mastermind/fashion mavens for help....

"i'm sorry, did my shopping in your fucking store interrupt the think-tank consortium debating the virtues of yellow & blue eye shadow worn with mesh shirts & ruffled micro minis???
did my inability to find a pair of jeans in the color coded maze of cubicles interfere with your in depth discussion on how to keep from puking while deep throating after too many hot pink colored rum drinks?...
& while we're at it.... don't fucking look at me like I'M the one dressed like a fucking freak..... if ever there was a campaign for LESS BOOSE, MORE COCAINE & well made clothing that didn't come out of a teen porn shop.... you'd be the fucking poster children."

since when did looking like a deeply tanned, cheaply made up drag queen become the fashion? if i have to see one more fucking fat roll jiggle over a ratty g-string with every sigh & irritated roll of the eyes from some dim wit sales girl who looks like she was raised in the back of a bar room while mommy danced.... i simply cannot be held accountable for the violence that will ensue.

it was a horrid experience. i found myself thinking is my body truly that disfigured??????
when did i become such a misshapen, unelegante Hausfrau? it wasn't always this way. how did i go from sitting at a table with andy warhol as he giggled & told me how beautiful i was, runways, kevin aucoin DOING my makeup, a muse to designers, painters & photographers... to this????
completely alone & insignificant to practically everyone, especially those who have reason to care most, fretting over a size six, still dizzy from the anesthesia & the crying... a 32 years old surrogate mother to abandoned squirrels.... and nothing else.