Saturday, June 26, 2004

DANGER! woman trapped in drag queens body

i wonder if you are ever too old to play dress up? because if so someone really has to come over to my house, empty out my closet & remove all the judy garland & barbara streisand off my computer. hahaha.
i couldn't sleep this morning. monty kept waking me up with his meowing. the strange thing is- monty doesn't meow. he only discovered he could about 2 months ago... he did it for about a week- i think he thought it was fun & then fell back into radio silence.... he resumed 'mouthing' his pleas but never making any noise. well, that all changed this morning...starting at probably about 4am. he was making up for lost time- because he would not be quiet. i thought he might be in pain & so i was all 'ohhh pooooooor kiiiiitttttty'... and then i realized the only pain he was feeling was in his belly. the little shit was just hungry. he wasn't allowed to eat all day yesterday & it must have been more traumatic than having his ear wacked off because it had him in a total panic.
so at 7:18 i finally dragged my weary self out of bed & parked myself on the floor hand feeding him pieces of cat food because he hasn't quite figured out how to maneuver around the food bowl with his collar thingy. as i lay prostrate on my kitchen floor, deeply inhaling iams lamb dinner & watching the dust bunnies swirl in the corners i had no choice but to admit i have become a cat spinster & much to my embarrassment itunes (set on random) went from merle haggard to the aristocats soundtrack... & all i could do was shake my head in dismay & laugh at what i have become.
breakfast over, we migrated to the bathroom where i attempted to modify monty's hair cut. they left the hair long on his legs & he looks like he's wearing 1970's swedish model-chic furry disco boots. needless to say that 'shit don't fly in this house'. but he was just like 'jesus woman.. have i not gone through ENOUGH this week? MY GOD! i went 24 hours without FOOD, i have a plastic cone around my head, and i have no idea what this patchwork quilt is in place of my ear- but i want to pull it off!'...this of course i translated from a series of guttural yelps he emitted in quick procession as he squirmed from my grasp as i tried to not stab him with scissors. 'take a look at yourself woman!' he continued. and as i let him slip from my grip onto the floor i looked in the mirror. he had a point. where did that jennifer aniston hair come from? i mentioned that the dark circles were largely his fault & he shrugged slightly as if to say 'deal with it woman.. i have one ear'
itunes switched to babs.... and unable to control the gay man inside me,,, my hands slipped into the baskets of make-up & at 7:30 in the morning i perched myself on the edge of the bathroom counter, feet in the sink & began applying a brand new face to the dronings of 'my man' in the background.
i was going for 'bar harbor whore' but didn't quite pull it off. i ended up looking like 'cocktail party at the country club gone a bit crazy...but still entirely too toney to be called whore... just whispered' i think it was mostly due to my lack of brightly colored eyeshadow- which i simply don't own & it was too early to hit the mac counter. (though i have to say... i did some shoots for mac a long time ago.. & if applied by a skilled hand.. that shit looks super cool... but it just doesn't work for everyday wear.. & god knows I AM NOT a skilled hand)
anyway.... by 8 monty, tallulah & i were riffling through piles of dresses & shoes to finish off my society lady gone awry look. i gave monty a break from his collar... & wore it myself for a bit. i totally understand his annoyance now- but i still don't get his refusal to let me clip those fucking furry boots off his legs.
ended up in black suede ankle tie manolo blahnik heels, a skin tight strapless gold lame floor length tube dress (talk about 70's disco fashion!) & hair piled about 8" on top of my head (a true feat of hairspray) decorated with black feathers & about 4' of fake black pearls.
once fully outfitted there was only one thing left to do.... empty the dishwasher & then dance around the living room with monty and tallulah to showtunes & write a grocery list.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

back on the range

wow- getting here was a multi-faceted pain in my ass. i seriously think it would have been less annoying & backbreaking had i lopped off my lower extremities back in PA & dragged my bloody carcas across the country.

let's see:
drove a couple hours with dad to the airport... that was fine. we just blabbed away as usual which is always fun. get to airport, dad drives away- 10 min frantic search for driver's licence....... which i found. hang out in the airport for an hour. got sort of bored so as i rode up & down the escalators i would feign great excitement at seeing people going the opposite direction & then once realizing they weren't who i thought they were i would snub my nose in the air with a look of disgusted 'oh you aren't the right person.' as though it was their fault. childish? yes, incredibly so. fun? hell yeah. and considering the old game of racing at top speed through the airport pretending i am missing a flight is frowned upon by all the security people these days i had to sort of make do with what i could. i must say though... one of the best parts of tightened security is the opportunity to see everyone walking around the airport without their shoes. don't ask me why but it delights me. maybe it is because i have always been the ONE person who basically ended up stripped down 3 times by the time i made it through & now everyone has too- not just me. maybe it is just some strange enjoyment i get from seeing people in their socks. who knows- but if it gives me 5 minutes of personal pleasure- why complain?
so i finally get on the plane- no big deal, two flights- minniapolis was a thrill. i ate, i read, i tried to see how far down the hallways i could walk with my eyes closed without running into people...
get to sf, get my train, - all the while i am overcome with this desire to touch my boobs. i don't know what it was- but i kept seeing their reflection in the train window & thinking 'i want to touch those girls' & they were feeling kinda nice- odd considering i was on public transportation.... at any rate.. i managed to control myself with only a graze of the hand here & there... get to my second train & i have missed it so i am hanging out in the richmond station of the bart rail wondering what the fuck to do. ended up having to go back to oakland & lug my bags 7 blocks through the down town streets of oakland looking for the greyhound station.. my last hope to make it home. something about bus travel has never sat well with me. i really try not to be a total snob... but the people are just weird. and the oakland greyhound station was no exception. i was fortunate enough to be able to hang out there for 3 hours waiting for the last bus out of oakland to arrive & hoping that there would be a seat left for me. i sat there watching one jerry springer episode after another unfold before my very eyes... & realized how much it reminded me of sacramento- which just blurred the distinction between wanting to get home & wanting to die even more. what was i going home to? certainly nothing inviting. going home means going back to a place were you have been missed & at this point i wasn't even sure if my cats necessarily cared as long as they had food.
by 1am i was climbing over a sleeping man doing my best not to wake him up with my ass as i swung from the luggage rail into my window seat. i closed my eyes to the dreges of society as soon as i was settled- hoping that this was to be the end of my journey. one would think that since it was the middle of the night & all passangers were pretty much asleep the driver would have fore-gone the usual driver banter..NOOOOO.... he went on for a full 15 minutes- just as chipper & excited as could be. fists cleached, teeth gnashing i cursed him under my breath begging him to just shut the fuck up.... which he finally did.. but only after telling us that the sacramento bus station seemed to be closed for some reason & if it wasn't open by the time we got there we would be re-routed to the n.e sac station- at which point i was unable to control myself & let out an audible 'oh fucking hell- just kill me now' which brought dirty looks from the family of 27 sitting across the aisle. i closed my eyes & we rolled out of oakland. i only opened them briefly- we were barreling down the highway- a raised one with many curves & as i opened my eyes & peered out the window it looked as though we would surely topple over the side. it startled the shit out of me & i decided to just keep my eyes closed after that.
naturally, the downtown station was closed & surrounded by firetrucks & cop cars, blah blah blah. a mere 20 blocks from my house... i would have gladly lugged my bags on foot- but i knew that getting the driver to pull over & pull them out from below was NOT going to happen so i sat there pissed as hell as we got back on the highway & headed out for the other station. i was beginning to doubt i would ever get home.
cab driver showed up, and felt the need to talk non-stop the entire ride home- which i might add cost more than the bus ticket. not only did he talk, but he was a smart ass & didn't seem to pick up on the fact that i neither found him humorous or wanted to talk. apparently my comment of 'if i had a gun everyone on that bus would have been dead' didn't resonate with him as a sign that i wasn't in a chatty mood.
3:30 am... i walked through my door. cats were thrilled to see me much to my delight & we all promptly crawled into bed.
today was a total waste. i got up, i looked for a job, i ate a cinnamon roll, showered & immediately fell back asleep for about 6 hours. the only reason i even got dressed was because i went to chris' house & watched tv for about an hour & picked up some paper towel which i would have gladly done naked if it wasn't for those pesky laws forbidding such a display.
but at least i am home again. i need to take monty to the doctor on friday to have his ear wacked. need to find a real job, a place to live, a reason to live. will it happen by the 31st? oddly enough, it probably will. if not- fuck it. i really don't care any more.
this is a fucking boring ass ramble. done.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

now i recall so vividly

why i left this place.

i've been home 2 hours... (a mere 5 hours later than anticipated) & i already feel my insides quaking from the anxiety.

i was dreading coming home because my family knows my life is shite right now & i totally didn't want to go through the whole deal of trying to justify every fucked up mistake i've made..... & the half-hearted empty lies & pleas that things were going to get better when i know they never can be.

but it is much worse.... they are tip-toeing (SP?) around me like i'm a librarian in a psyche ward. words of encouragement & concern flow almost freely & they have made a point of bringing up many past triumphs that i never knew they had even paid attention enough to know about.

not only is my childhood home freshly painted & new sheets laid upon my bed... but my family seems to have been replaced by other people who don't appear to be getting some 'knew you'd finally fall flat on your face' satisfaction thinly veiled in a socially acceptable vague acknowledgement of the wildly creative, intelligent prodigy child who peeked at 4 & then proceeded to be a burdon from that point on. ("oh, betsy's happily married & has 5 wonderful waspy children! how nice for you... our daughter has squandered her life & wants to raise chickens in a junkyard far away from humanity... but she still has immaculate table manners.... so we're holding on to the hope that she won't die in a back alley."

it's unnerving & very unsettling to realize that my family who has made sticking their heads in the sand a political movement is suddenly consciencious of the fact that my life is such misery that it can neither be ignored or judged.
i feel like everyone but me has just been told i'm terminally ill & they want to make my last 15 minutes pleasant ones.
i almost liked it better when nobody gave a shit & if they did it could be directly linked to how it was affected their life.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

boys will be boys.

so i was just outside catching bugs with the next door boys (they are like 8 & their technique was all wrong) i don't even know their names.. one goes by 'bug boy' because apparently bugs are his thing... so anyway- we gathered up some nice sized roaches & beetles.. you know the usual fare... i still have packing to do so once they had gotten the routine down i left them. not five minutes later i hear firecrackers..i look out the window.... they are blowing them up. oi vey. i told them not to eat them..i should have known better & thought to mention not blowing them into little bits & pieces instead. god i love kids.

one & the same

once he said- i don't want you to forget, i want you to come back.
and then he packed his a tidy suitcase of fear & lies, turned away & disappeared forever.

Monday, June 14, 2004

able to topple over herself in a single bound

correct spelling eludes her at every turn,
happiness rears its tempting head in her direction & runs away in horror,

is she of the living!?!?!?! NO! fore she has no feelings.
is she of the dead????? NO! because she still pays taxes.

neither super nor anti hero...

she is merely a little ball of fury.


i just rode 10 miles in the sweltering heat. i think my head is going to explode & i might barf.
i tried to use the time riding wisely & figure out what to do with my life.

instead, i realized i have a lot of odd bike habits.

for instance:

i have completely done away with any attempt to hide the fact that i am in full conversation mode while riding solo down the street. in fact, i have even taken to whistling, humming & from time to time singing quietly to myself. the fact that i can in no way sing, hum or even whistle has in no way stopped me. dr. frank thinks it's great (i sense she may feel differently if she were to witness it first hand) & has even suggested i broaden my repertoire to include more than the 'annie' soundtrack. i gave it a go on my way home but all i had in my head was run-dmc & i couldn't remember the words so i improvised & ended up with 'it's a hard-knock life' & lots of strange squishy mouth noises which i can only imagine resulted in very unattractive facial expressions.
all my time bike riding & doing plies has resulted in very nice thigh muscles which i take a great deal of pleasure in watching flex as i peddle. word of caution: doing this while zipping in & out of 4 lanes of traffic is asking for trouble. side note: i have discovered that my sense of 'cutting it close but being able to make it' with on-coming traffic needs a severe overhaul. in fact, i wonder if i have lost all sense of distance & depth completely.
i don't like to use the brakes so much as make a flying, leaping dismount off my bike at the exact spot in which i hope to lock it. if i say so myself... i'm getting really good at it & could land that fucker on a dime... or at least a pile of them scattered over about 10 feet.

the list goes on & on... but i am too tired to bore myself with more.
at any rate:
i got my bridesmaid dress & it fits perfectly. i was sweating like a pig but she made me try it on anyway. as i got redressed i threw all sense of propriety out the window & didn't put my bra back on. within a few blocks on my return journey home i had won my own wet t-shirt contest several times. each reveler & whistle blower was greeted with a nod of appreciation & a weary wave of the rock-n-roll devil horns that heat exhaustion had rendered more richard nixon than brian johnson/bon scott. i do what i can for the people... but sometimes i just don't really have it in me.

i will post 'prom' pictures when i get back. should be an interesting venture. after taking a good look at myself today while riding it has become perfectly clear why at 32 i am single & destined to stay that way.

'it's a hard knock life for us' ppffffttt. pffffthhhtttt.. fffffft.. pfffft. (those are my OH-SO white girl rap noises!!! lol! god i am an idiot extrodinaire!)

Saturday, June 12, 2004

monty & the big bad hematoma

well i have spent the entire morning on either the phone with vets or the internet (the poor man's specialist) & it seems that monty has a bit more than a nasty ear infection: it is more like a hematoma. in other words, that pizza bite is actually a big ol' bag of blood... and surgery is the only way to get rid of it. it's going to be looked at monday morning- the last doctor i spoke to said he should be ok- but i need to watch him & if it bursts i need to take him to the ER immediately. i asked if he could bleed to death if i didn't get there fast enough & all she said was 'well, if it is bleeding a lot there's a chance......' & it wasn't in that 'don't worry about that tone of voice' it was the 'well i wouldn't fuck around & stop for coffee' sort of voice.
naturally, i don't drive- so i will be at the mercy of co-op cab service- which means i will be riding with a bloody dead cat in my lap. i have NO money to pay for this- i have no clue where that is going to come from.
i just can't even imagine what will go wrong next. i'm supposed to leave in a couple days for my brother's wedding- it's not like i can take him on the plane.
i just don't know what to do anymore. i feel like i'm 5. i want my sister, i want my friends back. i just want something in my life to not fucking SUCK. just for a day even. let me have 24 fucking hours without any bullshit, any drama, any fucking emergencies &/or accidents to myself or anyone else.

any vets out there?

i've been reduced to table dances for hematoma removal.

Monday, June 07, 2004

a conversation with death on my bathroom floor.

i had a brief moment early this evening when i realized that everything i have ever loved since childhood no longer exists.

it's one of those things you know on the surface but deep down can't really bring yourself to believe or admit & then suddenly it hits you: the lies clear away, foolish rationalizations fade, hope leaves and the only voice left is that knowing murmur that time & again the competative, desperate usurpers have killed what was cared about most & it will never be the same again.

what i am left with are so many unattended emotions - without the focus or nerves or will to get them out for good. i am a simmering vat of anger, grave disappointment, broken will, disgust, disbelief and most of all a deep, vomitous sadness.

it is the death that disguises itself that i hate most.
i feel it & i know it well. anyone who has touched death as many times as i have knows it wears many different cloaks & doesn't require one to cease breathing for it to have done its job. i look around & everything that mattered, the parts that made the difference between nothing special & something to care about... are dead. replaced with an army of empty, ugly faces that not only do little to hide emptier, uglier minds but revel in the squaller.

it isn't a waste, it is a way of life. & one that will never cease to exist around us all... it is foolish to think or hope otherwise. it will always be there to haunt & beckon & humiliate. what we fail to see, until it is too late, is that it always has been & always will be- a choice. only the weakest of minds tell us otherwise- because they need someone to accompany them in the gutter & make them feel better about themselves. it is a miserable, heinous part of life, but none the less, one that must be made, eventually.
every moment between now & then seems pointless, foolish & worthless. because it is.

there is a constant whisper in my ear telling me that my youth is spent but i am not yet old, i saw the world & i was never really seen;
& now i live, but it seems my life is done.

death has a sneaky way of slipping into bed long before DEATH takes his seat at the table.
but make no mistake, the latter is much less painful.

Friday, June 04, 2004

virtue flourishes by wounding

and in my end will be the beginnings of a happiness i was never allowed to know
for more than a few haphazard minutes.

i have paid, i am paying and i will pay;
but for how long?
or is my punishment to last until i stopcrying how long?