Monday, May 31, 2004

challenge accepted

a very statuesque lawn ornament has challenged me to a bet. and since i am a sucker for taking on quests i am hopelessly destined to fail.... i have accepted.

the mission: throw down the bitch fest & feign happiness for a week.
::::
to my opponent:
i've already started humming 'i feel pretty' from west side story, bitch.....so get ready..... let the cheer begin.
to the rest of you.....
this should prove nauseating for all involved- so be fore warned....the country club charm has been set free.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

2 hours later:
i lost, i cannot do it. it isn't in me- even to pretend

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

scent of loneliness (a how to guide for the socially disenfranchised)

i have a rather rigorous bathing regime. i'm compulsive to the point of needing medication- but at least i am always clean & generally speaking, pleasant to the touch & smell- though not many do.

i don't like heavy & sweet. i like crisp, clean, light scents. nothing overbearing or cheap. nothing that makes one wonder what sort of odors linger beneath the wearer's mushroom cloud of pungent perfume.

sometimes, when a certain melancholy mood slinks into my mind i pull down from my overflowing bathroom shelves a little collection i have gathered & refined over the years. together these elixirs provide an olfactory sense of both comfort & sadness.

the recipe:
head to toe body exfoliation: a personal mix of dead sea salts, grape seed oil, eucalyptus, lemon & bergamot oils.
lather: i like triple milled claus porto soap in citron verbena or bigelow chemists lemon-grass/orange exfoliating soap
soak: acqua di parma foaming bath & scented cubes.
moisturize: kitpo (greek) citrus body milk
powder: acqua di parma traditional talc

the end result is a divinely smooth & silky body, lightly enveloped in the citrusy scent of a distinguished man. acqua di parma is traditionally a man's scent- a mix of sicilian citrus, bulgarian rose, verbena and lavender- a long time favorite of both the duke & duchess of windsor, cary grant & grace kelly... who's devotion kept it from falling into extinction nearly 50 years ago.

when i crawl into bed i find myself clasping my elbows in my hands as i nuzzle my nose into my shoulders, inhaling deeply & slipping away from an empty life into the loving embrace of someone that doesn't exist. it is the scent of loneliness but it is the only thing that is real. and it is the only constant some of us will ever know.

Monday, May 24, 2004

odiate et aspetate (pas deux)

faithful and true, leal to the core of my intrepid heart...
there are those around me who would expel their last breath saying this is not so-
that i am not who or what i say i am...
that i am just another manipulative sycophant meddling in the lives of those around me like it was a game.
::
when the day reveals that such thoughts have proved to be nothing more than an excuse to push me from conscience & sight.... & have proven to be the ruination of something that was once real & good- it will be too late. i will be gone. and once lost i look back never.
::
regret is a heavy burden.
& no matter what you try to wash it down with...the acrid taste of fear & weakness never disappears from the throats of those who choose an empty, shallow, lie of a life.
i'm tired of being accused of dishonesty by people who have struggled to make it through an honest day in their life, i'm tired of the projected psychosis & empty proclamations of 'i don't give a fuck' from people who actually do- but don't know how to show it.
i'm tired of anger & hatred & vile words strung together in idle threats.
more than anything: i'm tired of this life... but i am here... and i will be until i'm gone by someone else's hand.
that is my curse.
one of my favorite writers once wrote:
there is birth and there is death. everything in between is just maintenance.
::
i think it's time for a tune up.
i've wasted time, emotions & feelings on a world of people who could give a fuck if i died in my sleep tonight.
::
i have had good friends in my life time. but they have always been like an alternating pattern
making up the fabric of life:
friend, traitor, friend, traitor, friend, traitor...
until i am left alone, in a world where even those i care about most feel the need to lie to me-
until it comes time to tell me how much they don't & never will care.
this does not make a material one wraps around oneself for comfort.
the traitors and their daggers prick the skin.
::
i have never felt so much disappointment in my life as i have these past few months & it has made me a changed person. one i am neither especially proud of nor eager to share with others.
all that is left is to leave this place & try to forget what a fool i have been, what a mess i have made & get used to a feeling i have never let myself feel before: regret.

Saturday, May 22, 2004

make my heart stop- because it is full of HATE

i can't even begin to express the hatred & sadness i feel right now. i am so sick of stupid, ugly whores & low life scums fucking with my life. fuck everyone. fuck all of you. i have never hated so much in my life. i've put so much trust & caring into people who are incapable of giving a shit about anything or anyone else.

....demon, you are THE most repulsive, manipulative, WEAK, ignorant, abusive, emotionally, socially & mentally inept, pathetic, psychotic mother fucker i have ever met. you physically make me ILL. i hate you so much i PUKED after i spoke to you. i know you won't ever see this but i am so filled with venom i can't stop shaking & i have NO one else in the world to say this to. i have never despised anyone the way i hate you to the core. i honestly wish you & every back alley tramp you have ever screwed would all finally give something back to a society you have done nothing but take from all your lives... do everyone a favor & just fucking DIE. go smoke some more crack, while you fuck your stupid sluts & die.

i never thought i would REALLY feel this way about another human... but there are some people who just take too too much & look only to drag everyone into the gutter with them- because they are too SPINELESS to do it alone. i have never met anyone who can so easily blame everyone else in the world for EVERYTHING that has ever gone wrong in his life. i am so filled with shame, disgust & complete repulsion at having ever known him much less called him my friend - i don't know that i will EVER get over the anger i feel when i think of his name..... or the hatred i feel towards myself at knowing part of my own unhappiness is a direct result of my own WEAKNESS & PATHETICNESS at having ever let him into my life when every thing inside of me told me to keep him as far from me as possible.


ahh, so much better

Friday, May 21, 2004

cat fancy

earlier tonight i was in bed reading & i heard the high pitched whine of a baby kitten (redundant?) outside my bedroom window.. got a flashlight, opened the window & scanned the ground below... sure enough i saw two beady little eyes glowing in the corner where a wood fence meets the side of the building. even though i don't WANT another cat i was skipping like a little kid through my bedroom while i put on a pair of pants & sneakers... chanting 'oooooooo a kitty!'
once i got down there i found the teeny tiniest little black kitten. not even thinking about the fact that the eyes i saw from my window could not have possibly been from this tiny cat i assumed it had been abandoned & without thinking picked it up (it was cold & drizzling out...it seemed the natural thing to do).... of course i no more had it all cuddled up in my hands & boobs to keep it dry & momma cat darted out of a dark corner & up into a tree... hissing very angrily & NOT at all happy that i was cuddling her only baby. i was like 'oh fuck' because if you pick them up when they are too young the mom abandons them. so i thought about catching momma cat & bringing them BOTH inside.... but 15 minutes of getting tangled in a very prickly tree, in the dark, cold & rain... as mom jumped from branch to branch... left me with the feeling that i was going to have to come up with another plan. so i put baby cat back into the little nest of leaves where i had found it (it had the CUTEST little brussels sprout head!) & ran back up to my apt to find some sort of box or something to make a little makeshift 'cat shack', some food & a soft towel... hoping that maybe an upgrade in accommodations would lure momma back to babe.

i fixed up the box rather nicely if i say so myself, cut out a little hole & wedged the corner under an electrical box firmly so it won't blow away with the first good gust... lined the leafy bed with one of my softest kitchen towels & laid out a nice spread of iam's for what was sure to be a famished cat when she finally returned home.... if she did. & why shouldn't she... she has the nicest 'pre-fab' in sacto.

were i ever to be a mother - in- law... i can tell i would be one of those that nightmares are made of.... back up in bed i could barely concentrate on my book (about mary queen of scotland) every noise i heard below sent me hoping out of bed, yanking up the already trashed blinds, cranking open the window & spying down into the forlorn corner with my flashlight (instead of just leaving them alone)... and i swear- 3 of the 5 times that poor little momma was just about to go into her new home & i scared the bejesus out of her & sent her running.
the 4th time i looked down & it was just the baby.. all alone in the overturned box- cum-condo crying out. i wanted to go down & get it - but figured if i butted out & gave the mom a chance she might come back & i knew i couldn't take care of it. i crawled back into bed crying because i figured i had just essentially killed the cute little kitten by not leaving it alone.

the final screech of kitty commotion came just a few minutes ago.... feisty downstairs cat was back there scraping with mom (who knew we had a cat trailer park behind the apartment!) much to my delight... mom- kicked his ass, sent him packing & without hesitation made a bee-line for her swank new digs... within seconds baby cats cries were quiet & i heard the tell-tale munching of cat food.

i may suck at life
i may suck at people
but i am mother fucking snow white of the animal kingdom.

Monday, May 17, 2004

no cleaning detail on deathwatch- not a bad deal

well today actually turned out not so bad. my family is still all bugged out. i'm on like 24 hour deathwatch... which is funny because i have been laughing & being my usual obnoxious smart ass non-stop. it's just strange to be watched so much. at any rate i didn't have to clean any of the copper or silver today in preparation of the party they are having for my brother's wedding.. so that rules. basically all i have to do is iron a bunch of table cloths..which my mom saved just for me because she knows i like to iron when i am in a 'mood'.. hahaha... i've already picked out what dress i am going to wear while i do them too! i will look divine.. & my family can say & think what they want... at least the one benefit to having a mentally unstrung daughter is that i'm the best dressed hired help they have ever had! AND THEY HAVE A GREAT RECORD COLLECTION..... so i will have all sorts of good music to iron too!!!!


anyway.... no cleaning.. just sat in the kitchen drinking coffee telling stories non-stop while everyone else putzed around.. HUGE thunderstorm... this big old house went totally black it was so dark outside. i have to say- it has been sort of nice seeing the house again... i haven't been here since xmas 2002... & while it is always AMAZING looking at holiday time.... summer time has its good points. for one thing.. with all the rain they have been getting.... the yard & wooded hills in the back are LUSH. my sister & i were on the front veranda watching the rain & i was like 'holy shit... look at the backyard where it meets the woods!' the trees are all in bloom & have vines growing all over them, there are big beds of lilies, weeping willow trees & two bubbling rocky streams that come down either side of the property... it looks like a bloody rainforest it is just so green & overwhelming. we were both like 'DAMN!!!'.. at any rate.. it all looks really cool.

once the storm was over we went up to my brother's house & the 3 of us went out on his boat- sun came out, we drank a bunch of beer- had diving contests off the back.. even a peeing contest to see who had the biggest bladder... ahhh yeah... good clean family fun!!! the lake was empty though so it was a total free for all.. & we took full advantage of being able to all regress to the ages of 8 again. nobody even got hurt for once!

i am totally beat though.. this is good. the time change is killing me & the next few days will be non-stop. i think i am going to go to bed now- beer, sun & playing tuckers a little girl out!

i think tomorrow will be a day of girly appointments too... hair, blah blah blah... but i am thrilled. my hair looks like i bought a really cheap jeff spicolli wig & then have spent the past 2 months totally neglecting it. god knows i could use a little pampering anyway.
i say, if you can't get those you love to love you back & make you feel good..... get strangers to do it! hahaha. god i can't wait to have my feet rubbed.

Friday, May 14, 2004

things i love:

800 gram turkish cotton towels : russell wright dishes : metal lab & doctor's office furniture : mama's restaurant : real mac-n-cheese : dirty shops : the smell of attics : drinking a beer on the roof or fire escape with someone i really like : eucalyptus soaps & lotions from the thymes : playing dress up in isaac's atlier : baking cakes : dancing to etta james with my cats : eggs benedict & bloody marys in the garden : midnight french films at the angelica : beat up vans & converse : bernadaud galerie royale & raynaud christobal dinnerware : taxidermy : eloise : nyc museums : jeans that fit : high heels : pearl necklaces : topiary gardens : apothecary cabinets & jars : kravet fabrics : deep green & blue glass bisazza tiles : venetian glass chandeliers : dliappidated brick warehouses with HUGE windows : dirty mechanic suits (AND THE MEN INSIDE!) : jadite : gerber daisies & peonies : paris patisseries : egg cups : staying in bed reading to my dearest love : hot baths with lots of bubbles : bikram yoga : johnny thunders, hank williams & judy garland : mashed potatoes : chocolate malts : deep candy & flake paints that make me drool : ironing : skirts that swish & rustle when i walk : luis bunuel : mark rothko : christian dior : old triumph motorcycles : architecture architecture architecture! : duane michaels : my first skate board: an old wood deck powell : kiehls : barneys, bergdorfs & bendels : mrs john l strong stationary : latex hot pants : asparagus : miles davis : hello kitty : portraits taken by friends : being painted : the smell of oil paint : mercer street : the brooklyn bridge : the aristocats & parent trap (originial) : armistead maupin : sweat inducing nuzzles : chickens : welding : junk yards : mussels : designers guild : traulson refridgeration 'systems' : acqua di parma : manolo blahnik : turner classic movies : paul rand : bigelow chemists on madison : alexander calder : tom robbins : tom waits : jackson pollock : bill hines : frederick law olmstead : nuetra : hand embroidery : vintage aprons & cocktail dresses : nest : the long hot summer : grace kelly : cooking magazines & books : color color color : globes that light up : andreas serrano : mike & doug starn : isaac mizrahi : vodka tonics :

to be continued............

Sunday, May 09, 2004

dear mr balanchine

i know you are dead but you would have been so proud of me this weekend. 5 hours yesterday & 6 today. back straight, stomach in, butt in, shoulders back, neck up, arms graceful... all without a single shout, bellow, scold or smack from your nasty little stick.
my legs burn, my stomach & ass are killing me but i couldn't stop. to stop was to find myself sitting on the floor thinking & i can't do that... and so i did my leg/bar stretches until i have thighs & an ass that would make any stripper or ballerina very, very proud.... dare i say even you - you mean, demanding yet wonderful man.
i miss new york these days, i miss my classes way up on the 4th floor & your constant battery of judment. i will never be able to eat like a normal human being thanks to you. hahaha.
i must get back to it. my sweaty skin is beginning to stick to my chair, my broken toe is beginning to swell & make my toe shoes uncomfortable... i am dying for a cigerette.....i miss my true friends all dead & gone. i hate myself tonight i wish i was just dead. no fan fare - just gone like everyone else. instead i will do what you taught me oh so well... make it hurt enough... & eventually i will just go numb. see you someday.. promise to keep my ass tucked in you hard sonofabitch
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
i proceeded to vomit for about 2 hours after... i think it was a combination of dehydration, physical exhaustion & a bad combo of tomato soup & grapefruit juice.
RAD....LOVE MY LIFE. IT FUCKING RULES!

Saturday, May 08, 2004

who broke down the walls around the trailor park?

and let out all the losers??

wow- there's just no end to the repulsion- everyday.. SOMETHING NEW & REPUGNANT!
i thought garbage day was on wednesday so why are the streets full all week long? since when did being a dazed & confused whore/pig and a symbol of urban mediocrity gone sour become chic?
so NOT impressed. i think i need to throw all my visual aids & contact to the outside world around me out the fucking window- because every time i open my eyes all i want to do is puke.

go back to your 3rd class planned communities... i think your kids have been left to sit in their own shit long enough while you dirty the air with your foul smoke, desperate minds & pathetic existances.

Thursday, May 06, 2004

cake for one

tonight i made a cake... dutch chocolate with a thick layer of chocolate ganache poured over top.
bought a stack of architecture, design & fashion magazines & a copy of 'a heartbreaking work of staggering genius."..... prepped for another solitary week of emptiness until i can leave this place...

and it occurred to me, as i scraped the last dollop of batter from my vintage pyrex mixing bowl & licked the $15 spatula... that this might be it.
i'm 32, a plethora of mismanaged emotions & quirks, i'm certainly not getting any cuter as i get older & i'm not inclined to love easily...
what are the chances that i will ever find myself taking my 5 year old child to the hospital with salmonella poisoning because i let him/her lick the spatula covered with cake batter made with raw eggs?

i try to be optimistic. but sometimes, at the oddest moments, reality strikes me a bit harder.
i would give anything to have a baby (babies!?!) & someone to wrangle my posse with....but there have only been a handful of people in my life that i can tolerate for more than a few hours at a time. even fewer who have managed to remain alive or part of my life for any extended period. optimism that someday i will actually have those little babies running around is a foolish daydream that will never come true.

i hate cake

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Entrecote à la bordelaise... Grilled Rats Bordeaux Style

as i mentioned the other day... i have had the STRANGEST craving for small vermin lately. i cannot explain it.. as i have never actually snacked on mice before....but for some reason... they sound rather appealing as of late.
so i was poking around on the internet for recipes (snacky's idea!) & believe it or not... i came across several! the best part is.... the first one is from the larousse gastronomique which i actually have around here somewhere.. i just need to find it. shit... who knew i ALREADY HAD cookbooks with mouse recipes in them! (should have known the french would though!.... i knew there was a reason i adore them so!)
so here you go...i will share my mouse & rat recipes with the world.... & i will certainly let you all know how things turn out! now i just need to find a good 'mouse supplier' hahahha.... that should make for an interesting conversation at the market!


"Brown rats and roof rats were eaten openly on a large scale in Paris when the city was under siege during the Franco-Prussian War. Observers likened their taste to both partridges and pork. And, according to the Larousse Gastronomique, rats are still eaten in some parts of France. In fact, this recipe appears in that famous tome.

Grilled Rats Bordeaux Style (Entrecote à la bordelaise)
Alcoholic rats inhabiting wine cellars are skinned and eviscerated, brushed with a thick sauce of olive oil and crushed shallots, and grilled over a fire of broken wine barrels.


Stewed Cane Rat
Skin and eviscerate the rat and split it lengthwise. Fry until brown in a mixture of butter and peanut oil. Cover with water, add tomatoes or tomato purée, hot red peppers, and salt. Simmer the rat until tender and serve with rice.

Stuffed Dormice / Ancient Rome
Prepare a stuffing of dormouse meat or pork, pepper, pine nuts, broth, asafoetida, and some garum (substitute anchovy paste.) Stuff the mice and sew them up. Bake them in an oven on a tile.

Roasted Field Mice (Raton de campo asado) / Mexico
Skin and eviscerate field mice. Skewer them and roast over an open fire or coals. These are probably great as hors d'oeuvres with margaritas or "salty dogs."

Mice in Cream (Souris à la crème)
Skin, gut and wash some fat mice without removing their heads. Cover them in a pot with ethyl alcohol and marinate 2 hours. Cut a piece of salt pork or sowbelly into small dice and cook it slowly to extract the fat. Drain the mice, dredge them thoroughly in a mixture of flour, pepper, and salt, and fry slowly in the rendered fat for about 5 minutes. Add a cup of alcohol and 6 to 8 cloves, cover and simmer for 15 minutes. Prepare a cream sauce, transfer the sautéed mice to it, and warm them in it for about 10 minutes before serving.

faithful and true, leal to the core of my intrepid heart...

1:09 AM - faithful and true, leal to the core of my intrepid heart...

there are those around me who would expel their last breath saying this is not so-
that i am not who or what i say i am...
that i am just another manipulative sycophant meddling in the lives of those around me like it was a game.

when the day reveals that such thoughts have proved to be nothing more than an excuse to push me away- from a guilty conscience, from the fear of having an REAL emotion: good or bad, from the inability to deal with me like a civil human being....
& as a result have proven to be the ruination of something that was once real & good-
it will be too late. i will be gone. and once lost, i never look back.

regret is a heavy burden.
& no matter what you try to wash it down with...the acrid taste of fear & weakness never disappears from the throats of those who choose an empty, shallow, life of falsehoods.
i'm tired of being accused of dishonesty by people who have struggled to make it through an honest day in their life, i'm tired of the projected psychosis & empty proclamations of 'i don't give a fuck' from people who actually do- but don't know how to care even for themselves.
i'm tired of anger & hatred & vile words strung together in idle threats.
more than anything: i'm tired of this life... but i am here...
and i will be until i'm gone by someone else's hand. that is my curse.

there is birth and there is death. everything in between is just maintenance.
i've wasted time, emotions & feelings on a world of people who could give a fuck if i died in my sleep tonight.

Sunday, May 02, 2004

It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood,,,,,

just woke up from the MOST BIZARRE sex dream.

every detail goes against even a perverts standard of good taste...
and it makes me wonder if my desire to be a mother has hit DANGEROUS levels.

i won't go into the nitty gritty details- because quite honestly, nobody needs to hear the "in's & out's" of my sexual deviance's'... especially since they don't really differ from the nocturnal to the waking world.

let me just say this.... my bedroom was in the back parking lot of crescent beer distributer in my hometown. actually it was a much more 'finished' version of my current bedroom.... sans actual bedroom walls..... we were just in the parking lot & it never phased me that it was an odd place to be until a few minutes after i woke up.

but even that isn't were it gets weird.....

it's the fact that i was thoroughly 'snuggling' with none other than pbs' very own........ MISTER FRED ROGERS.... you know the old guy in the cardigan who hangs out with A frightening looking, posse of royal puppets.....

what's really scary though... is that now i'm seeING fred in a whole different light... not that i want to DATE him mind you,,, he is dead after all.. . but.... as far as dream sex goes.... he really wasn't bad.

hahhahhahahhahhahah. god i'm glad i'm in therapy. obviously i need it!

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

I've always wanted to have a neighbor just like you.
I've always wanted to live in a neighborhood with you.

So, let's make the most of this beautiful day.
Since we're together we might as well say:
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
Won't you be my neighbor?
Won't you please,
Won't you please?
Please won't you be my neighbor?