Friday, January 02, 2004

ahhh breathing & idiotic banter, opus 9 (& i use opus with a great deal of sarcasm)

i haven't had a cigarette in..... let me think..... about 4 days??? maybe 5? hard to imagine. damn my lungs feel lovely (i'm rubbing them right now as a matter of fact...hope nobody walks by my office)

i don't even know why i smoke. it's gross,..... i'm a nervous person? too fidgety for my own good, can't sit still,,, maybe i need some valium... actually, no even that doesn't really help & the last thing i need is to start taking pills.
must be a good girl, must be a good girl.
oh fuck, no need to chant empty bullshit mantras, i am a good girl. why i bother- i don't know but i suppose in the end it is a good thing. now if i could just quit smoking. eat more, smoke less. but don't eat too much...maybe looking like gollum isn't what one should strive for but nobody wants to be porky.
hmm- wow, it's 2 pm already. my how time flies when all you have to do is annoy other people. this office job bullshit is, well,,, shit. why can't i just work in a junk yard or something? or be a chicken farmer and live in an abandoned factory with a half pipe at the front door, working crane in the living room, restaurant equipped kitchen and a green glass tile bathroom? this seems to be a recurring theme with me. white picket fences hold no allure, rusted metal & broken windows make my heart flutter. however.... i could probably do without the half pipe these days ...since i am now old, frail & afraid of my skateboard...ever since i broke my (ok...cracked) jaw for the 3rd time about 6 mos ago in a rather nasty, bloody wipe out at my old job (which... i might add... was FUN: i could wear wife beaters & overalls & listen to music as loud as i want & look at porn & take naps during the day)
let's see, what can i do now???? i already made the mistake of talking to jack which inevitably brought up the subject of food (cravings- we have our own) & now i can't stop thinking about chicken broth from the 2nd ave. deli & a ham & swiss sandwich on rye.... which obviously couldn't not be purchased at 2nd ave since it is a jewish deli..... but i haven't plans to travel 3000 miles for lunch it really doesn't matter. somebody in nyc send me some goodies. i miss mama's. i need mashed potaters, mac-n-cheese & brussel sprouts
what i really need is to get the fuck off this bloody computer & stop being a moron... had a little too much coffee this morning/afternoon...i'm twitching around like a little junkie in need of a spoon full of sugar. i hope they don't have cameras in this place. hahaha, now i'm sounding like a junkie. jesus.
ok, i'm going to caress my heater for a few minutes to try & warm up my hands & then maybe stroll downstairs & talk to the security guards for awhile- for some reason they absolutely love me & have given me the nickname "el bandito más pequeño" or 'littlest bandit'. the oddest part of that is....this is the second free-lance job i have had where they have given me that very same nickname. i totally don't get it. but it makes me laugh & i know they mean it in the kindest of ways.. because it is always followed by joyful cheers, whoops, whistles & a great deal of clapping whenever i enter or exit the building. i feel a bit like elvis.
this is ridiculous. i'm outta here. i can't even look over this pile of drivel... the humiliation would be too much.

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