taking out the trash...
getting the mail...
waiting for a red light.
it can happen anywhere, anytime... but the end is always the same.
you come up behind me, press the cold steel against my head... and pull.
that is my dream.
but only you can make it come true.
Saturday, January 31, 2004
taking out the trash...
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
than suddenly realizing exactly what i want... and knowing i will never, ever even come close to getting it. how is it possible to miss something i have never known? yet i do & it makes me even more sad and lonely than i thought possible... having to sit back and watch with disgust...
it makes me even more dead inside.
Monday, January 19, 2004
maybe it is years of depriving myself the wonderful pleasures of food or maybe it is the simple joy of standing naked in the kitchen at 2:30 am & foraging through the refrigerator until culinary genius is achieved from nothing. who knows who cares. all i know is that i am the ruler of late night 'lunches' & i give good sandwich.
ham, chicken, horseradish, whole grain dijon mustard, mayo (don't even contemplate that 'lite' bullshit- you can't come in my house if you eat that), dark rye sliced into perfect 3/8" slices & the diameter of my lungs, thinly sliced red onion, provalone, swiss, a couple crisp pieces of mesclun mixed salad....
butter the outside of bread, grill in 7" all clad pan, put in 400 degree oven until all hot & gooey inside. remove from oven- remembering at the last second that the pan handle is VERY hot- so use an oven mit, place on shiny white porcelain plate & slice in half.
serve with chocolate egg cream.
eat in bed even if the sheets are freshly laundered & pressed. leave dirty dishes on floor beside bed until morning because you will be too full to move when you are finished.
much better if shared... but on nights when the bed is empty but for yourself & two mangy persians...let them nibble on little bits of ham & deal with the consequences in the morning.
"it's a good thing"
*borrowed with permission from 'martha stewart's guide to fine dining & attracting the right mate while in the clink"
i'm in love with this piece- i have been listening to it all night while scrubbing the bathroom on my hands & knees & washing copious amounts of laundry. how one girl, who wears essentially the same thing everyday can create so much laundry is amazing.
but back to ludwig... i grew up listening to this stuff- along with the ramones, hank williams, miles davis, etta james & johnny thunders... not a bad mix if i say so myself. i never understood people who only liked one or two kinds of music. how droll their lives must be.
but again, i digress....i like the poco sostenuto & vivace bits... but if i may be overly emotional for a second...my mind settles into a searing state of feelings & imagery with the first few notes of the allegretto. it's so somber- how you could listen to it & feel nothing escapes me.
i've never been a huge fan of the typical 'wedding' crap that most choose to play & i've always thought this would be a lovely change. my sister balked at the thought. she is an avid listener of classical music & generally of the same opinion that pachelbel's canon in d major, (or pach's canonball to the less informed) while an absolutely beautiful piece has pretty much been run into the 'wedding dirge' ground (much as monet's water lilies have become somewhat wilted with each & every application to cocktail napkins & mouse pads)
at any rate- she thought this particular piece was just a little too depressing for wedding music('nothing in d minor has any place in a wedding!'...she's such a snob..haha) and then we had a good laugh over the idea that i WOULD EVER END UP MARRIED... so i thought...well ok- funeral maybe???? she got pissed that i even brought up that event - even though it is far more likely that when i head down 'the aisle' it will be in a wooden box carried by others as opposed to being on the arm of my husband.
but she had a point. it just isn't appropriate 'here's to your happy future' music.
so,,,, being the always imaginative-must have some story line to go along with every piece of music i listen to-day dreamer... i came up with a compromise....
as soon as the allegretto begins- i find myself marrying, entirely against my will, into the romanov imperial family (it reminds me of russia's golden age & the filmy, jewel encrusted gown worn by alexandra feodorovna in one of her portraits.) the music simply becomes the soundtrack to my well scripted movie of lost hope & love (even though alexandra & nicholas were by all accounts madly in love... so obviously i am being forced to marry a creature of rasputin like qualities)... of course spectacular costumes & a tiara that would make liz taylor put down her chicken leg & take notice are a must.
yeah- i'm a loser. but damn....i love that music so much. besides- i really can't make myself sound anymore pathetic than i have in past posts... so who really cares? i revel in my ability to make a fool of myself time & time again & yet only find embarrassment in the things which shouldn't bother me at all.
Sunday, January 18, 2004
i need to do something. there is a ball of nervous tension right below my rib cage & a tingle in my fingers that won't go away. something needs to get out but i don't know how to do it.
i miss my cluttered little painting studio on houston & c. a place where i could disappear for a week and be alone while i figured things out- or at least lost myself in quiet moments of 'heather's reality' (which had very little to do with anything 'real')
some of my happiest moments have been sitting alone on that broken stool, wobbling back & forth in time to the music late at night (for some reason 'whiter shade of pale always ended up playing.)
the sticky stench of oil paint filling my lungs & coating my fingers. you have to taste it- something that smells that good can't be all that bad, right?... wrong- oils taste nasty & it's a tad poisonous too... but you just have to take a little lick to find out. sometimes more than once just to be sure. (and i wonder why i have mental problems!?)
i found a newspaper clipping of my first solo venture into 'society' the other day. i was 9 & went an 'afternoon tea for the young ladies (& their favorite doll) of west 5th ave' given by mrs. adele tranter in warren, pa. it was to celebrate the restoration of 'our' restored 2-story playhouse that was nestled in the english gardens behind her house- built at the turn of the century & complete with lattice enclosed front porch & window boxes overflowing with flowers & ivy. the fact that there were 5 or 6 big wheels parked outside everyday of the summer in no way distracted from its charm. if anything it reinforced the idea that little girls in 1976 could play in the mud, mix up poisonous concoctions to feed our little brothers & STILL wear pretty dresses & behave like ladies as we served tea to our dolls & stuffed animals.
nothing is like it used to be.
Sunday, January 11, 2004
what the fuck?! it was a restaraunt and while i suppose i had the option of ordering cake...there wasn't some big, sugary concoction already waiting. the family was super nice as always though.... as we continue the lie that i have any reason to be sitting at their table, hugging & kissing them, telling them about my life, asking about theirs.
don't feel like thinking about much of anything except lunch right now.
spent most of weekend sitting on jack's bed... in a rather 'down trodden queenly' fashion....queenly because i had the best seat in the house,,, down trodden because i hadn't anticipated seeing anyone other than jack & damon that night & i was dressed like a dirty jeff spicoli...only not as fancy. by end of it all my hair was otherworldly looking.
laughed A LOT...my cheeks are sore still. i am growing to love 'music hour' (which is usually about 10 hours) more and more & feel a definite privilage at being allowed to not only sit there during the writing of such surefire hits as 'the great white' series but to occassionaly throw in a word or two (or at least the correct spelling! hahahah) we really should just record these long periods of sitting around yapping because sometimes when we get on a roll some pretty funny shit comes out. if nothing else we would end up with great mixed tapes full of 3/4 played songs since nothing seems to stay in the cd player for more than 2.5 minutes.
Friday, January 09, 2004
instead i'm going to a birthday party for my ex-boyfriend's uncle.
how do i get myself into this shit?
but cake is good. all cake. i like cake.
aagghhhh. whatever. sick of it all
Saturday, January 03, 2004
normally i don't like to take pills unless i have to, (though not a day goes by that i don't think,,,'oh some valium would be nice...i want to sleep this week') but last night, as i lay in bed trying to 'breathe carefully' to cause as little brain pain as possible i finally just couldn't take it anymore & downed a few sleeping pills & prayed for sleep before i started to cry.
it came & with it lots of strange dreams involving driving across really steep bridges over cities i wasn't familiar with in a car that wouldn't shift above 2nd gear,,,, a little shop that sold really cute embroidered aprons.. a few of which i really wanted & then my mother peered over my shoulder & said 'they're a little uptight don't you think?' next stop... a store that sold lots of bubble baths & girly make-up crap. at one point i gazed through a glass counter top at some glitter nail polish with absolute adoration & amazement that anything could be so sparkly and pretty... and almost as quickly as i gasped at it's brilliance a voice inside of my head said 'oh, you could never pull off anything with glitter, it's just not you!' ...... it was with such conviction and vehemence that i know deep down in my psyche i was channeling miss farrell in the scene from annie where she and annie are preparing to go to the movie & annie suggests miss farrell leave her hair down rather than put it up in her usual tight ass bun... to which miss farrell gasps & exclaims 'oh NO! NO! annie, oh no! i couldn't! i just couldn't!' as though annie had suggested miss farrell attend the movie in nothing more than a leather spiked g-string & a can of spray cheese.
i think i am having some identity issues.
anyway... i haven't words to describe the rest of the nights imagery.
when i woke this morning i had vague recollections of talking on the phone for awhile...but couldn't remember who i had been talking to or what about. it bugged me for about an hour until i finally looked through the incoming calls on my phone. much to my surprise & slight embarrassment.... there were no phone calls.....just a lone text message from my jack at 4:49 am that read 'be on camel' .......???? so i think it is very possible that i had a lengthy conversation...most likely talking gibberish to a text message in the early hours of the morning. i have no idea what 'be on camel' means, probably something filthy that i just don't get.
i think in the future i will just try to stay away from the sleeping pills regardless of how much pain i am in.
i'm watching 'annie' now.....is it wrong that i like this movie???
Friday, January 02, 2004
i haven't had a cigarette in..... let me think..... about 4 days??? maybe 5? hard to imagine. damn my lungs feel lovely (i'm rubbing them right now as a matter of fact...hope nobody walks by my office)
must be a good girl, must be a good girl.
oh fuck, no need to chant empty bullshit mantras, i am a good girl. why i bother- i don't know but i suppose in the end it is a good thing. now if i could just quit smoking. eat more, smoke less. but don't eat too much...maybe looking like gollum isn't what one should strive for but nobody wants to be porky.
hmm- wow, it's 2 pm already. my how time flies when all you have to do is annoy other people. this office job bullshit is, well,,, shit. why can't i just work in a junk yard or something? or be a chicken farmer and live in an abandoned factory with a half pipe at the front door, working crane in the living room, restaurant equipped kitchen and a green glass tile bathroom? this seems to be a recurring theme with me. white picket fences hold no allure, rusted metal & broken windows make my heart flutter. however.... i could probably do without the half pipe these days ...since i am now old, frail & afraid of my skateboard...ever since i broke my (ok...cracked) jaw for the 3rd time about 6 mos ago in a rather nasty, bloody wipe out at my old job (which... i might add... was FUN: i could wear wife beaters & overalls & listen to music as loud as i want & look at porn & take naps during the day)
let's see, what can i do now???? i already made the mistake of talking to jack which inevitably brought up the subject of food (cravings- we have our own) & now i can't stop thinking about chicken broth from the 2nd ave. deli & a ham & swiss sandwich on rye.... which obviously couldn't not be purchased at 2nd ave since it is a jewish deli..... but i haven't plans to travel 3000 miles for lunch anyway...so it really doesn't matter. somebody in nyc send me some goodies. i miss mama's. i need mashed potaters, mac-n-cheese & brussel sprouts
what i really need is to get the fuck off this bloody computer & stop being a moron... had a little too much coffee this morning/afternoon...i'm twitching around like a little junkie in need of a spoon full of sugar. i hope they don't have cameras in this place. hahaha, now i'm sounding like a junkie. jesus.
ok, i'm going to caress my heater for a few minutes to try & warm up my hands & then maybe stroll downstairs & talk to the security guards for awhile- for some reason they absolutely love me & have given me the nickname "el bandito más pequeño" or 'littlest bandit'. the oddest part of that is....this is the second free-lance job i have had where they have given me that very same nickname. i totally don't get it. but it makes me laugh & i know they mean it in the kindest of ways.. because it is always followed by joyful cheers, whoops, whistles & a great deal of clapping whenever i enter or exit the building. i feel a bit like elvis.
this is ridiculous. i'm outta here. i can't even look over this pile of drivel... the humiliation would be too much.