Monday, August 15, 2011

odd things i think about when i can't sleep

switching to the right side of the bed has been sweeping LA in recent weeks.
we caught up with hershel jones—LA's fayest hound and lifestyle guru to the stars—and asked if he thought it was just another passing phase or if shifting to the right was here to stay.

H: "well it's certainly NOT a trend! my partner hedley and i made the switch weeks ago have been sleeping like pups ever since. it's simply fabulous. the right side is DEFINITELY the new "left side of the bed" for the fashionably forward sleep set. we wouldn't dream of sleeping anywhere else!"

how are your owners taking the change? are they for it, or do they feel left out & literally 'pushed aside' like so many others who have been down-graded to a less favorable address in the bedroom?

H: "oh they've been champs through the entire change-over. i don't think they've slept in days but they are clinging to the left side like middle america clings to their knock-off louis vuittons from 4 seasons ago. they simply refuse to give in and move to the living room. it's commendable really. sad, but commendable.

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

random phone calls

i haven't been here much—i don't know that anyone is out there anymore. but i got a call today from an old friend named phil who found me on 4q and gave me a call. it i was so happy to hear from him and that he is doing well and that in turn made me think of ye ol blog. i thought it might be time for an update... and possibly a good deal of deleting.

i look back (or at least think- i'm too tired to actually browse through my months of depression on here) and see a very different woman. man i was a mess. i am delighted beyond words to say, that woman has gone away—forever i hope. i've had two glasses of wine at this point, so i can't promise eloquence (like you'd expect it) but let me just say this—no matter how shitty things are, they do get better. and my how they have.

for starters, i had a wonderful group of friends—both known and unknown—who crawled out of the wood-work to remind me that i was loved. it was a start. i muddled my way through therapy—found a great one, so actually i can't say muddled—he whipped my ass into shape—and before you knew it i was looking back on the year past thinking 'why?'.... and was eager to move on.

shortly after that & yet much sooner than i anticipated i met a wonderful man—or rather, re-met him. it happened on my 38th birthday and he changed my course forever. we had worked together in the past, lost contact and then out of nowhere—there he was.

just over a year later, we are married. i have never been happier in my life or closer to anyone—EVER. it's a strange, wonderful feeling. and a feeling i have never felt the need to question once. that is what makes it so surreal to me. i don't really know what else to write at the moment so i won't force it. but maybe i will come back here more often and try something new—writing about the contentment and feeling of finally making out of that deep, dark hole i feel. it seems like that deserves so many words than any of the i have endured.

thank you donald for completely changing my life.

and thank you phil for calling me out of the blue and reminding me this place existed.

heather

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

smoke, drink, lay

last night i began what i like to call my 'no pore left untouched' experiment. during my journey of self-awareness i saw no exotic scenery, there were no copious platters of pasta to be had & my great moment of zen did not involve discovering that i no longer fit into my size 2 jeans. no, my big a-ha moment was discovering a few random old lady hairs on my face. there was no glorious feeling of liberation, just a slight pause in which i looked back on my decades-long love of dirt and motorcycles and tools and guns & wondered if maybe in fact i had a bit too much testosterone surging through my veins. had it finally broken free from the confines of my ever expanding flesh in the form of itty bitty man hairs on my nose & chin? maybe i was more man than woman? but then, how could i account for my deep passion of all things robin's egg blue, men's wieners (one in particular) and 50's era couture?

and then the world clicked.

the obvious conclusion to that moment of wonderment was naturally that i must be a gay man stuck in a woman's body. how else could i explain the melancholy days and nights of listening to judy garland's 'the man that got away' on repeat, a preference for french service at all meals and gruff manly men who often have dirt under their nails but clean up nicely & know how to say 'please' & 'thank you'? the whole 'men's wieners' thing even fit snuggly into the picture.

this is all just speculation of course. i have no hard data to prove that i am indeed a gay man trapped in a woman's body... and as for those couple scattered hairs... they are long gone.

like any gay man, i know the importance of good grooming.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

a much better use of my time


i've been trying to occupy my days in such a way as to not be bored out of my mind by 10 a.m. about a week ago i woke up in the morning & thought "i'm going to make austin & addy costumes." a trip to the garment district, a good amount of digging through random boxes in my closests & 48 hours later they were done. i don't ever recall having that much follow-through but i suspect telling both my brother & my sister-in-law that costumes for the kiddies would soon be on the way had something to do with it. one does not promise princess & green beast costumes to a 2 & 5 year old respectively without making damn sure you've got a princess & green beast costume readily available.

so i busied myself & quite frankly had more fun hanging out alone in my apartment while don was working than i have in some time. and it was surprisingly easy considering i completeley winged it. no patterns, no real plan—i just sat down & did it. i think all things considered–they turned out pretty good.








Monday, March 29, 2010

hello lucky... and everyone else.

i'm here—just taking a break.
you can visit me on facebook if you want—though i'm not much more exciting over there. i'll be back soon.

http://www.facebook.com/iamacatrancher

Monday, December 07, 2009

make that a couple months of solitude

i found something much, much better.